前天晚上我亦不知怎样写的那封信,我真是没有心的人了,我心里为难,我亦不管你受得受不得,我竟糊里糊涂的写了那封信,我这才受悔呢,还来得及么?你骂我亦好,怨我亦该,我没有再说话的权了,我忍心么?我爱!你是不会怨我的,亦决不骂我,我知道的!可是,我自己明白了自己的错,比你骂我还难受呢!我现在已拿回那信了,你饶我罢,忘记了那封被一时情感激出来的满无诚意的信罢!实在是因为我那天晚上叫娘哭得我心灰意懒的,仿忽〔佛〕我那时间犯了多大的罪似的,恨不能在上帝前洗了我的罪,立刻死去。现在我再亦不信我会写那样的信给你了的呀,(只爱你)就算是你疑我,我亦不怨你,不过摩呀,我的心——你相信我爱你的诚心,你要我用笔形容出去,是十支笔都写不出来的,摩呀!你要是亦疑心我或是想我是个□□□□。那我真连死都没有清白的路了,摩呀,今天先生说些话,使我心痛的利〔厉〕害,咳,难道说我这几个朋友还疑心我,还看不起我么?可是我近来自己亦好怕我自己,我不如先的活了,有时我竟觉着我心冷的如死一样,对于无论何事都没有希望,只想每天胡乱的过去,精乏力尽后倒床就睡,我前个的样子又慢慢的回来了,我自己的本性又渐的躲起来了,他人所见的我——不是我本来的我了,摩呀——我本来的我,恐怕只有你一个能得到——享受,或是永不再见人。前天下午你走的时候我心里乱极了,我要你——近我——近了我——又怕娘见着骂——你走了,我心如失,摩呀。
I have you alone, you can never doubt me any more, if you do I will kill myself.The last few days,my mind was so confused that I did.I know what I was doing.I want you near me, yet when you were near, I always get nervous.As for other friend, they are merely friends, they are quite different.We gee was wrong in saying that, I do not blame him for he don't understand me at all.I treat H.H as a brother careful, I don't think he can rape me, Mother is still going with me.I really don't know what will happen where we go to Shanghai.You better not come to see me the station, as soon as I arrive Shanghai, I will try to let you knowthe best ways is try to pretend to be a friend of fore day's so we can be more convenient.
Darling, we can write each other always, suppose if we can be to gether always when I go to Shanghai, don't be Grosse and unhappy, only remember I am always with you.
Today is father's birthday, every body has gone now, nearly three o'clock, only□先生、H.H、三舅母、三太太are still plying or do.I am here writing to you, but I am tired to death, I wrote in such haste be cause I want you to be happy believe me.I love you going ask to send this letter for me.Trust your poor miserable, she is always yours.
I promised him to be a loving sister to him always and beside he knows we love each other, he understand me, he is treating me quite right only he comes too often as to start people suspicious.But when he gets jobs he will be busy.All these are small affairs.You mustn't ever thinking otherwise.Do you think I am coquette?Told you to prepare for the worst will be my death nothing more.If I can't get myself free, I will die for you, dearest, oh Mon.,the last two nights, I have been crying for you, don't you know?How could say that your absence may make me happier, oh!Your heart less boy, if you know how I pass these days, you would have fitted me, I am sure.Yesterday I almost died梦绿got so frightened that she want to call mother back.I was smiling andtalking as usually, but my heart was cutting.They understand me, they tried to cheer me.老张united me to Peking Hotel, on the roof.Oh!Dear me.Awful moonlight.Thinking you left on moon full day again.It seems as we can never be“fulfil”at all.Since we love each other we have never spend 15th together.The other night in all my mind was so confused oh daring I would if you could ever forgive for what I have done.Oh!If we could only be alone, free, under the moon light, then you will see a different mignon too.Daring, I was so frightened, so nervous, jumping up for anything.Oh!If I having on like this, I am sure I will go mad.
I missed you terribly.Daring, Mon.,oh!Mon.don't you hear me calling you?I love you so, yet I can't break mother's heart.Just image my feelings.Do you think I could sacrifice you?My hope!But when ever mother pray me and crying, I always get more and think of searcri ficing ever think even my own life.There are reasons.1st, Dr Klieg told me mother has only few years to live, she may died at any moment for one of her lungs is always dried.It hurt me so much to hear this, I want to please and very duty to her during her short days.Otherwise I will re gret afterwards.No, I don't regret I how loved you so much, I only beat myself to bring unhappiness to you.But remembers!Daring, I will always suffer with you.Now dear!Be patient, the thing will turn out soon er or larder, only love me and trust me I will always be yours and yours forever.During my confused moment I may say unreasonable saying, don't ever believe it, wait for me daring, if I couldn't be yours in name, I am your in name of however.Help me to be a good girl dearest, help me to be dutiful daughter.I will promise you to change myself.I will see no friends, accept not waitation if you wish, I will do any thing, will prom ise anything, if you promise to take good care of yourself, put yourself to work and wait for Heaven's callings.Some day God will pity us.As for staying with greedy, that I can promise you, dear,I will be.
我只有你,你再也不要怀疑我。如果你怀疑,我会杀了我自己。前些天,我心乱如麻,就像我表现出的那样。我知道自己在干什么。我想要你亲近我,但当你真这么做了,我又慌乱不安。至于其他朋友,他们仅限于朋友而已,他们跟你是完全不同的。魏说的是不对的,我不怪他,因为他根本不了解我。H.H对我来说就像一个细心的哥哥,但我依然心存戒备,我想他不会对我施暴。母亲依然陪伴在我左右。我真不知道我们到了上海会遇到什么情况。我一到上海,你最好不要来车站接我,我想让你明白,现在最好的办法就是佯装一个故友,这样我们才能更方便些。
亲爱的!我们可以常常互相通信。我在上海时或许我们还能常常一起,不要反感或不快。只要记住,我的心永远和你在一起。
今天是父亲的生日,现在大概是三点钟左右,大家都走了,只有X先生、H.H、三舅母和三太太仍然在玩或做事情。而我在给你写信,但我好累,我写得匆忙是想让你高兴。相信我,我永远爱你,爱你到死。他们即将为我送信去了。请相信你可怜的小东西,她永远爱你。
我答应他要永远做他的一个可爱的妹妹,但他清楚我们是相爱的。他了解我,对我也很正常,只是他来得如此频繁以至于引起别人猜疑;但如果他有一份工作,他就会没时间了。所有这些都是小事情,你不必老是放在心上;否则你会把我想成一个轻佻的女子!你做好最坏的准备,最坏的也就是我死了。如果我不能自由,那我愿意为你而死。最亲爱的!啊!摩!知道吗?前两天晚上我为你哭红了眼。你怎么能说你以后不可能再开心了呢?啊!你这没良心的,如果你知道这几天我是怎么度过的,我敢肯定,你会可怜我的。昨天,我跟死了没两样,把梦绿吓坏了,急得要把母亲叫回。
我微笑着谈吐如常,但我的心如刀绞。他们看在眼里,试图让我开心起来,老张拉我去北京饭店的顶层,啊!天啊!那讨人厌的月光。它让我想起你在月圆之时的再次离开,我们似乎永远不可能“达到目的”了。自打我们相爱以来,从未一起度过中秋,而其他日子的晚上,心又是那么烦闷。啊!亲爱的!但愿你能原谅我所做的一切。啊!如果我们能在这样的月光下自在独处,你将看到一个完全不同的小姑娘。亲爱的,我如此地惊恐与不安,一点小事就能让我惊吓地跳起。
啊!再这样下去,我一定会疯的。
我好怕失去你,亲爱的,摩,啊!摩!能听到我的呼唤吗?我好爱你;但我不能伤了母亲的心。请换位思考一下我的感情,你觉得我能没有你么?你是我的梦想。但当母亲哭着求我,理由是:克利医生告诉我,母亲活不了几年了,她随时可能死去,因为她的一叶肺已经干涸。听到这个消息我真的很伤心,我想在她短暂的日子里让她开心,而且我要很本分,否则我会抱憾终身。不!我不遗憾,我是多么爱你。我只能欺骗我自己,我不能给你幸福。但亲爱的你要记住,我愿意永远和你同甘共苦。现在,亲爱的,我们要忍耐,终会有转机的,只有你依然爱我并相信我,我永远属于你。当我心烦意乱时,我可能说了过分的话,请你不要相信。等着我,亲爱的,如果我不能在名义上属于你,那之于任何名义而言,我都可以属于你。我最亲爱的,请帮助我做一个好女孩,一个尽责的女儿。我愿为你改变自己。如果你不想我见朋友,我会毫不犹豫地接受,不再见他们。为你我甘愿做任何事情,我愿答应你任何事情,如果你也答应我保重自己,把精力投入到工作上,并等待上天安排。终有一天,上帝会怜悯我们的。至于等待心情急切,我也答应你,亲爱的,我会的。
(二)
摩:
顷接信,袍子是娘亲手放于箱中,在最上面。想是又被人偷去了。家中是都已寻到,一件也没有。你也须察看一下问一问才是,不要只说家中人乱,须知你比谁都乱呢。现在家中也没有甚么衣服了,你东放两件西放两件,你还是自己记记清,不要到时来怪旁人。我是自幼不会理家的,家里也一向没有干净过,可是倒也不见得怎样住不惯。像我这样的太太要能同胡太太那样能料理老爷是恐怕有些难罢,天下实在很难有完美的事呢。
玉器少带两件也好,你看着办罢。
现在我有一事求你,龙龙(我的大侄儿)今夏在大同中学毕业了,实因家贫再没有能进大学的力量了,可是孩子自己十分的好学,上海大学是跟不起,北京一年也须三四百元,可否能请你在北京无论哪处报馆或其他晚间作〔做〕工的地方给他寻寻小事,(三四十元)让他日读夜工,以成其志,不知此事能办否?请速进行,早复回音为盼。
既无钱回家何必拼命呢,飞机还是不坐为好。北京人多朋友多,玩处多,当然爱住;上海房子小又乱,地方又下流,人又不可取,还有何可留恋呢!来去请便罢,浊地本留不得雅士,夫复何言!此请暑安。
(三)
爱夫:
秋雨连绵,闺中人平添不少惘怅,国事又如斯,南北相隔数日未得音问,真闷死矣。虽然吾夫客中相慰有人,然车若中断,交通不便,又须多待归期,何如,何如!
近日不知何故心神不快之至,终日无事可博我一笑。前数日因近代名人展览约我出画,故连画三张,彼等不问竟将我名列入现代名人之中,彼等作品皆数年苦功得来,我是初出茅庐之人,真令我羞杀〔煞〕矣。又加一月来破月经事,始〔使〕我每日精神疲乏,提笔即头痛眼酸,故甚少习练,今日才觉人生健康为最要紧之事矣。惜我连年多病,至今尚不能见天日,每念及我运途之不幸,令我恨不能速寻归路。
昨日去一品香访吴,彼因家中病人故避了旅舍,长谈三小时,回来已深夜,故未修书,虞裳可恶,屡次去催不见送钱来,你名下不知尚有多少。我这月中用钱又甚多,看病,药引数日无,又因过节时多用了二百金,今不能补,尚有志七款虽未付去,然彼因无钱买衣,小鹣等又不能付,故在我处取去五十元,若长此穷困,不知如何是好!百里处家如何?你可早回否?
天津出事北京不妨否?令我急杀〔煞〕,你不早来。近日甚少接家书,想必是侍候她人格外忙了,故盼行动少自尊重,勿叫人取笑为是。
如果多写家书则幸甚,车如何?最少也须一百零七两一修,盼即覆,好动工。回来时好坐,无车甚感不便。明日而口。
十一月十一日
(四)
摩:
你来不来,今天还不见来电,我看事情是非你回来不成,你不是为钱,多坐回火车罢。况且这种钱不伤风化的,少蝶不也是如此起家的吗?摩,你不要乱想,来罢。大雨信转交,我到现在才覆。也许此信不达你了。
陆小曼致胡适书信六封。从内容上看,第一封信应为1931年徐志摩遇难后,是陆小曼致胡适的第一封信,时间当在11月底至12月初。第二封信与上一封内容相连,是陆小曼接胡适回信后的第二封致信,时间当在1931年12月。第三封信与上两封信内容相连,写于1932年年初。第四封信从内容上看与上几封信相连,应作于1932年3、4月间。第五封信从内容上看应在上一封信两个月之后。最后一封写作时间不详。