上篇 极品醉爱
1.Marry Penguin
A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate."I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities."
Back came the answer."Marry penguin."
娶企鹅
一个单身汉想在电脑上找一个完美伴侣。“我要找一个娇小可爱、喜欢水上运动和集体活动的伴。”
回答是：“娶企。”
2.Reason
The couple I know were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. William was annoyed at Mary'.indifference to what he felt was a poor job."The problem is that I'.a perfectionist and you'.e not."he finally said to her.
"Exactly."she replied."That'.why you married me and I married you."
原因
我认识的一对夫妻正在讨论刚刚挂上的壁纸。威廉觉得壁纸挂得不好，玛丽却漠不关心，威尔对此感到气恼。“问题就是我是个完美主义者，而你不。”他最后对她说。
“说得。”她答道，“这就是你娶了我，我嫁给你的原。”
3.I Don't Know Her
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that."said the wife.
"Honey,"replied her husband."I don't even know that woman."
我还不认识她呢
一对夫妇在公园里散步，发现一对年轻的男女坐在一条长凳上，动情地接吻。
“你为什么不那么做。”妻子说。
“亲爱。”丈夫回答说，“我还不认识那个女人。”
4.My Husband
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
"Who was it."he asked.
"My husband."she replied.
"I better be going."he said."Where was he."
"Relax. He'.downtown playing poker with you."
我丈夫
电话铃响时，她留他一个人坐在沙发上，不一会儿又回到了他身边。
“是。”他问。
“我的丈。”她答道。
“我最好还是走。”他说，“他在哪。”
“放松，他正在闹市区和你打扑克。”
5.The Poor Husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife."the man complained to his friend."She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explains to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong."
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道有多么。”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错。”
6.You'.e Already Heard It
Arriving at home, I was about to show my husband my newly done hair. Hearing my footsteps, he called out."I'.going to tell you a joke that'.going to make your hair curl."
He turned around, took a look at me and added."Oh, you'.e already heard it."
你已经听过了
回到家，我打算给丈夫看我新做的头发。听到我的脚步声，丈夫喊道：“给你讲个笑话，它会让你笑得头发卷起。”
他转过身，看了我一眼，补充道：“哦，原来你已经听过。”
7.Send for the Fire Brigade
One'.wife could not read the thermometer, but she took her husband's temperature with it and gave a call to the doctor."Dear doctor, please come at once. My husband's temperature is 53.
The doctor replied."Dear madam, I can do nothing. Send for the fire brigade."
叫消防队
一个人的妻子不会看体温计。她用体温计给丈夫量过体温后，给医生打了个电话：“尊敬的医生，请马上来吧。我丈夫的体温到了五十三。”
医生回答说：“亲爱的夫人，我无能为力，快去叫消防队。”
8.Who Is This Speaking
She answered the phone to hear a repentant voice."I'.sorry, darling,"he said."I have thought things over and you can have the Rolls‐Royce as a wedding present, we will move to the Gold Coast, and your mother can stay with us. Now will you marry me."
"Of course I will."she said."And who is this speaking."
你是谁
她接电话时听到一个忏悔的声音说：“对不起，亲爱的，我已经想过了，你可以拥有劳斯莱斯作为结婚礼物，我们将搬到黄金海岸，你母亲可以和我们一块儿住。现在你愿意嫁给我。”
“我当然愿。”她说，“可你是谁。”
9.Want Her to Go Nuts
Mrs. Henry decided to have her portrait painted.She told the artist,"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you'.e not wearing any of those things."
"I know."said Mrs. Henry."It'.in case I should die before my husband. I'.sure he'.remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
我要让她发疯
亨利夫人想让人给她画幅肖像画。她告诉那位画家说：“把我画成戴着钻石耳环、钻石项链、祖母绿手镯还有红宝石垂饰的样。”
“可这些东西您一样也没戴。”
“我知。”亨利夫人说，“我是想着万一我比我丈夫先死去，他肯定会很快再婚。我要让那个女人为寻找这些珠宝而发。”
10.Domestic Thief
"Well, my dear."he said, as he was dressing."I suppose you were right when you told me last night that there was a burglar in the house."
"Why."
"Because all the money that was in my pockets when I went to bed is gone."
"Well, if you'.been brave and got up to shoot the wretch, you'.have had your money this morning."
"Possibly, but then I would have been a widower."
She gave him back half the money.
家贼
“哦，亲爱。”男人穿衣服的时候说，“我想你昨晚告诉我说屋里有个贼是对。”
“为什。”
“因为我昨天上床睡觉的时候还在我口袋里的钱现在全都不见。”
“呃，如果你勇敢点并且起来向那个卑鄙的人开枪的话，你今天早上就能拿回你的。”
“也许吧，但是我就会成为一名鳏夫。”
她把一半的钱还给了他。
11.It Was Too Late
Although I had never met him, I knew that my grandfather had been five feet and five inches tall, while my stately grandmother stood five feet and eleven inches. As a teenager leafing through old photographs with grandma, I finally realized how unusual they must have looked together.
"Grandma."I asked."how could you have fallen in love with a man six inches shorter than you."
She turned to me."Honey." she said."we fell in love sitting down, and when I stood up, it was late."
为时已晚
尽管我未见过祖父，不过我知道他身高只有五英尺五英寸，而我高贵典雅的祖母身高却有五英尺十一英寸。我十几岁的时候，和祖母一起翻看着老照片，我觉得他们在一起看起来很别扭。
“奶。”我问道，“你怎么会爱上一个比你矮六英寸的人。”
她转向我说道：“宝贝，我们相爱的时候是坐着的，而当我站起来的时候，已经晚。”
12.Questions and Answer
1. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first？ The dog of course, at least he'.l shut up after you let him in!
2. What'.the difference between a boyfriend and a husband？
About 20 pounds.
3. How do most men define marriage？
A very expensive way to get your laundry done.
4. What'.the difference between marriage and death？
Dead people are free.
巧问妙答
1. 如果你的狗正在后门叫，而你妻子正在前门吵，你先给谁开门？
当然先给狗开门，至少你让它进来后，它就闭嘴了。
2. 男朋友和丈夫有什么差别？
大概相差二十磅。
3. 大多数男人怎么定义婚姻？
一种价格昂贵的洗衣方法。
4. 婚姻和死亡有什么差别？
死人是自由的。
13.You Look Like An Old Gentleman
I think women'.role will always be accentuated if they adorn life with their beautiful hairdos.
"I no longer look like an old lady."said Sophia to her husband now busy solving a cross‐word puzzle by the fire.
She had just been to her hairdresser and looked quite a different person.
The fellow lifted his head and muttered under his breath：
"That'.quite time, darling. You don't look like an old lady at all."
"And what do I look like."insisted the lady blushing prettily.
"You look like an old gentleman."
你看起来像个老绅士
我认为女性如果用漂亮的发型来装点生活，她们的性别会更突出。
“我看起来不再像个老太太。”索菲亚对她正在火炉前玩填字游戏的丈夫说。
她刚去过美发店，现在看起来完全像变了一个人。
那个老家伙抬起头嘟囔着说：
“一点儿不错，亲爱的，你看起来一点都不像个老妇。”
“那我看起来像什么。”这位女士害羞地问道。
“你看起来像个老绅。”
14.Notes
A friend was going into hospital for an operation so she spent the morning writing short notes which she left round the house for her husband to find. One note on the kitchen door said."Eat three times a day."Another note on the bedside table wished him pleasant dreams.A third note on the side of the bath read."Please clean me after use."Every room had a message of some sort but the funniest of all was pinned to his best suit in the wardrobe. It said," Just where do you think you'.e going tonight to need this."
便条
一个朋友打算去医院做手术，于是她花了一早上的时间写了些便条，并把它们放在了家里的各个地方，以便她的丈夫可以找到。在厨房的门上有一张便条写道：“一天吃三顿。”
床头桌子旁的便条是希望他做好梦。
浴缸旁的便条写着：“用完后将我洗干。”每个房间都有各种提示，而最有意思的是，衣橱里，她丈夫最好的那身衣服上贴着的便条写道：“今晚你需要穿它去什么地。”
15.Who'.in Heaven
An olderly gentleman had passed away. His grief‐stricken widow missed him so much that she could not sleep a wink for days.
On one sleepless night, she heard a voice and immediately inquired."Is that you, dear."
"Yes, it'.me."
"How are you doing."
"I'.fine."
The concerned wife inquired further."Are you happy now."
"Yes, I'.happy now."
"Are you happier now than when you were with me."
"Yes, much happier."
Assuming that her husband was enjoying the heavenly bliss, with curiosity in her voice, the lady asked."Tell me dear, what'.heaven like."
"Who'.in heaven."
谁在天堂
一位老人去世了，他妻子很想念他，伤心不已，夜不能寐。
又是一个不眠之夜，妻子听到有什么声音，便立即问道：“是你吗，亲爱。”
“是的，是。”
“你现在过得好。”
“我过得很。”
妻子又关切地问道：“你现在幸福。”
“嗯，挺幸福。”
“比我们在一起时还幸福。”
“是的，幸福多。”
得知丈夫在天堂很快乐，妻子又好奇地问道：
“亲爱的，跟我说说，天堂什么样。”
“谁在天堂。”
16.Flatterer
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the way.
Mabel, a friend of mine, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying th."miracl."
products, she asks her husband."Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am."
Looking over her carefully, he replied."Judging from your skin, twenty；your hair, eighteen；and your body, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer."She gushed. Just as she was about to tell him his reward, he stops her saying.
"Wow, hold on there sweety."he interrupted."I haven't added them up yet."
马屁精
有些人优雅地变老，还有一些人为变老而挣扎、抓狂。
梅布尔是我的朋友，她拒绝变老的容颜，就出门买了一套新出的化妆品，可不便宜，但能让她看起来年轻很多岁。
梅布尔在镜子前涂抹这个“。”化妆品涂了很久，她问老公：“亲爱的，老实说，如果你不认识我，你觉得我有多大。”
梅布尔的老公仔细看了看，回答：“看皮肤是二十，看头发是十八，看身材是二十。”
“哦，你这个马屁。”梅布尔脱口而出。正当梅布尔准备告诉老公得到什么奖励时，老公没有让她说下去。
“哇，亲爱的，等。”他说，“我还没有加起来。”
17.Knocked the Door
Mr. and Mrs. John lived in a small house near London with their child. Sometimes Mr. John came back from work very late, when his wife and child were asleep, he opened the front door of his house with the key and came in very quietly.
But one night he came home late and lost his key, so when he reached his house, he rang the bell. Nothing happened. He rang it again. Again nothing happened-nobody moved inside the house. Mr. John knocked at the bedroom window and shouted, but his wife didn't wake up. At last he stopped and thought for a few seconds. Then he began to speak like a little child."Mama, I wanna pee."He spoke in a low voice but at once Mrs. John woke up.
叫门
约翰夫妇和孩子住在伦敦附近的一座小房子里。有时，约翰先生很晚才下班回家。当妻子和孩子已经睡着时，他就用钥匙打开前门，轻轻走进屋里。
但有一天夜里，他很晚才回家，钥匙也丢了，所以，到家门口时，他只好按门铃。没有动静。他又按了一次门铃。还是没有动静——屋里没有人动。约翰先生敲了敲卧室窗户，大声喊叫，但他的妻子还是没有醒。最后，他停下来想了一会儿，然后像小孩子那样说道：“妈妈，我要尿。”他说话声很低，但约翰太太马上就醒了。
18.Jimmy and Linda
Jimmy and Linda are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Linda'.in the bathroom, as Jimmy'.getting undressed he says to himself."How am I going to tell her？ How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet."Then he throws his socks under the bed.
Linda walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and he goes into the bathroom. Linda sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself."How am I going to tell him？ How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath？ I'.e got to tell him."Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom.
Linda runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says."Honey, I'.e got to tell you something."Jimmy says.
"Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."
吉米和琳达
吉米和琳达在他们的新婚之夜住进了蜜月套房，琳达正在浴室里。吉米一边脱衣服一边自言自语：“我该怎样告诉她呢？我该怎样告诉我的新婚妻子我有世界上最臭的脚。”于是他把他的袜子扔到了床底。
琳达从浴室里走了出来，吉米因为太不好意思面对她，赶紧从她身边跑过去，进了浴室。琳达坐在床边自言自语：“我该怎样告诉他呢？我该怎样告诉我的新婚丈夫我有世界上最臭的嘴呢？我一定得告诉。”
正在这时吉米从浴室里走了出来。琳达朝他跑了过去，给了他一个长长的热吻，把他拉回床边说道：“亲爱的，我一定要告诉你一件。”吉米答道：“啊，我知道了，你刚才吃了我的袜。”
19.Give up Smoking
Lucy looked at her husband scornfully and said."Didn't your doctor tell you to give up smoking."
"He did,"answered Dick who seemed to be ashamed of himself."and.
"And yet you insist on smoking like a chimney,"continued Lucy."you smoke at least 40 cigarettes a day."
"Er...well,"answered Dick who seemed under his wife'.thumb."I suppose I'.better cut it down for a time. I don't think I could actually do without a cigarette all day long."
"And where is your strong willpower."asked Lucy."You should break the habit at once."
Dick had always been as meek as a mouse but this time he felt he could not give way.
"You could think as you like, darling, but I just can't do it."
"What？ Can't do it."exclaimed Lucy."Look at your friend Bill! He'.given up smoking successfully over ten times."
戒烟
露茜轻蔑地看着丈夫说：“医生不是让你戒烟。”
“是。”迪克难为情地说，“可是。”
“可你还是像烟囱似的抽个不。”露茜继续说道，“你一天至少抽四十支。”
“呃……。”好像有“妻。”的迪克回答说，“我想我最好一次减少一点。我想整天不抽我可受不。”
“你的坚强毅力到哪里去。”露茜问，“你应该马上改掉这个习。”
迪克总是言听计从，但这次他觉得不能让步。
“亲爱的，你爱怎么想就怎么想，可我真的做不。”
“什么？做不。”露茜大声喊道，“瞧瞧你的朋友比尔，他已经成功地戒了十多次。”
20.It'.Rather Unusual
A honeymoon couple checked into the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D. C.
That night, as the husband was about to turn off the light, his bride asked."Do you think this room is bugged."
"That was a long time ago, sweetheart."he reassured her.
"But what if there'.a microphone somewhere？ I'.be so embarrassed."
So the groom searched under the tables and behind the pictures. Then he turned back the rug. Sure enough, there was a funny‐looking gizmo in the floor. He took out the screws, got rid of the hardware, and climbed into bed.
The next morning the hotel manager asked the newly‐weds,"How was your room？ How was the service？ How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel."
"Why are you asking me all of these questions."the groom says.
"It'.rather unusual."the manager answered."Last night the couple in the room below yours had a chandelier fall on them."
不寻常
一对度蜜月的新人住进了华盛顿特区水门旅馆。
当天夜里，丈夫关灯时，新娘问：“你认为这个房间会被窃听。”
“那是很久以前的事儿了，亲爱。”他安慰新娘说。
“但如果某个地方有话筒怎么办？我会很难为情。”
新郎检查了桌子下面和画像背后，然后又翻过地毯，发现地板上有个样子奇特的螺母，就拧下螺母，拆掉零件，然后便钻进了被窝。
第二天早上，旅馆经理问这对新婚夫妇：“你们的房间还好吗？我们的服务怎么样？你们在水门旅馆住得怎么。”
新郎反问道：“你为什么要问我这些问。”
“太不寻常。”旅馆经理回答说，“昨晚你们这个房间下层的枝形吊灯掉到了你们下面那个房间的夫妇身。”
21.It'.Unnecessary to See God with a Present
There was once a stingy and narrow‐minded man, who was ready to get angry about trifles.
One day he took a matter to heart and hit upon the idea of taking his own life. That day, to find a chance of suicide, he went out with his wife on the excuse of driving away his cares.
When they came to a river, he took off his clothes when his wife took no notice. Then he jumped into the river.
All of a sudden, he raised his head out of the water, shouting to his wife."Farewell, my dear! Don't forget to take my clothes home." On seeing this, the passengers on the bank all asked to rescue the man from danger.
But his wife said in no hurry."You needn't save him. I can get him out of the water by himseif."With this words, she took her husband's wallet and threw it into the river.
The husband, who was taking his own life, caught hold of the wallet all at once.
And then, he quickly swam to the bank. He rushed to his wife in an angry way, shouting."Are you crazy？ It'.unnecessary to see God with a present."
见上帝没必要带礼物
有一个人很吝啬并且思想狭隘，他经常为一些琐事发火。
一天，他突然犯了心脏病，于是他起了轻生的念头。那天，他为了寻找一个自杀的机会，就借口出去散散心，与妻子一起外出。
当他们来到一条河边时，他趁妻子不注意，脱下衣服，然后跳入河中。
他立刻又从水中探出头冲他妻子喊：“别了！亲爱的！别忘了把我的衣服带回。”岸上的游客看到这一幕，都去找人救他。
但他妻子急忙制止说：“你们不用救他，我能让他自己上。”正说着，她从丈夫的衣服里拿出钱包，扔进了河里。
那个正在自杀的男人立刻抓住了他的钱包，然后迅速向岸边游来。他非常气愤地冲到妻子面前，大吼道：“你疯了吗？去见上帝不用带礼物。”
22.Women
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you make romance, you are a."experenced ma."
If you don't, you are half a man
lf you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it'.bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
It you are a minute late, she complains it'.hard to wait
If she is late, she says that'.a girl'.way
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel
If she is visited by another,"Oh it'.natural, we are girl."
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her to many, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it'.just one of the man'.tactics
If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
Oh God! You created those creature calle."WOMA."
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
"O LORD, tell me what to do. AME."
女人
亲吻不是君子
不吻不是汉子
夸赞视作谎言
不夸视作傻蛋
依她就会耍性
不依不解风情
浪漫不是处子
呆板不是男子
常见变得乏味
少见被指虚伪
打扮就是花心
邋遢就是无心
吃醋不够大方
不吃怀疑不爱
求欢意味失礼
老实没有爱意
迟到抱怨难等
等待女孩应该
访友被指乱混
女孩聚会自然
少吻责怪冷漠
多吻大叫色狼
忽视过街缺德
照顾只是计策
盯人被指放浪
瞧她就是欣赏
说话时应倾听
倾听时应说话
哦上帝！你造出了“。”
如此简单又如此复杂
如此弱小又如此强大
如此费解又如此心仪
“哦主啊，我该怎么办？。”
23.The perfect husband
There are sevenral men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a mobile telephone that is on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues.
"Hello."
"Honey, it'.me. Are you at the club."
"Yes."
"Great！I am at the mall two blooks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat...it is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I bay it."
"What'.the price."
"Only $2500
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2015 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year."
"What price did he quote you."
"Only $60 000."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the potions."
"Great！Before we hang up, something else."
"What."
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It'.on sale!! Remember？ The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
"How much are they asking."
"Only $500 000...a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420 000. OK."
"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'.l see you later!! I love you!"
"Bye...I do too."
The man hangs up, closes the phone'.flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present."Does anyone know who this phone belongs to."
完美丈夫
几个男人在一家私人俱乐部健身锻炼之后，正在更衣室里换衣服。突然，长凳上的一部移动电话响了起来。一个人接起电话，就产生了下面的一系列对话：
“你。”
“亲爱的，是我。你还在俱乐部。”
“是。”
“太好啦！我就在离你两个街区的商场呢。我看中了一件特别漂亮的貂皮大衣……它看起来华丽至极，我可以买下来。”
“多少钱。”
“只要2 500美。”
“好吧，既然你那么喜欢就买。”
“嗯，我还在梅赛德斯。奔驰代理店里看见了2015年的新款。我看中了一个特别喜欢的车型。我跟售货员聊了一会儿，他给了我一个很公道的价格……再说，去年的宝马车我们也该换换。”
“那他告诉你多少钱。”
“只要6万美元。”
“好吧，不过鉴于那么高的价格，我希望它的功能很齐全。”
“太好啦！不过咱俩挂电话之前，还有点儿事儿。”
“什么事儿。”
“这个听起来可能有点儿多，不过我已经查过你的账户了……我今早在房产代理处看到我们去年看中的那套房子正在拍卖！你还记得吧？就是那栋在滨海地区的，有游泳池，英式花园，停车场的那个。”
“他们要价多少。”
“只要50万美元……多好的价钱啊，我看咱们银行里的钱也很充裕。”
“好吧，那就买了吧，不过一定要还价到42万美元，怎么。”
“嗯，亲爱的……谢谢你！待会见啦！！我爱你！。”
“拜拜，我也是。”
那个男人挂了电话，合上手机，对所有在场的人说：“有谁知道这个手机是谁的。”
24.I Am Not Able to Take Care of Three Wives
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,"Why are you crying."
The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water,and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe."the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied,"No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe."the lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied."No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe."the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied."Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man'.honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,"Why are you crying."
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water."
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Martha.
"Is this your wife."the Lord asked.
"Yes."cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious."You lied! That is an untruth."
The woodcutter replied."Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said'no'.o Martha, you would have come up with Polly. Then if I said'no'.o her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said'yes,'you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of three wives, so that'.why I said yes to Martha."
三个老婆
一天，一位樵夫在岸边砍柴，斧头掉到水里了，他大哭了起来。这时候上帝出现了，问他：“你为什么哭。”
樵夫说他的斧头掉水里了，可他要靠斧头维持生计。
上帝潜到水里，拿着一把金斧头露出水面。
“这是你的。”上帝问道。
樵夫回答说：“不。”
上帝又潜到水里，拿出一把银斧头：“这是你的。”上帝问道。
樵夫又回答说：“不。”
上帝又潜到水底，拿出一把铁斧头。
“这是你的。”上帝问道。
樵夫回答道：“是。”
上帝对樵夫的诚实感到很满意，于是把三把斧头都给了他，樵夫高兴地回家了。
过了一段时间，樵夫和妻子在河边散步，他的妻子一下掉进了河里。
正在他大哭的时候，上帝又出现了，问他：“你为什么哭。”
“啊，上帝，我老婆掉进水里。”
上帝潜到水底，带出了玛莎。
“这是你的妻子。”上帝问道。
“是。”樵夫大叫道。
上帝很生气：“你撒谎，这不是事。”
樵夫回答道：“哦，宽恕我吧上帝，这是个误会。如果我说不是，你又会带出波莉；如果我再说不是，你才会捞出我的妻子；如果那时我再说是，你会把三个都给我。我的上帝，我是个穷人，养不起三个老婆，所以我才承认玛莎是我老。”
25.Husbands Said
1. My wife and I are both happy for twenty something years, then we met.
2. A good wife always forgives her husband when she'.wrong.
3. I haven't spoken to my wife for months. I don't like to interrupt her.
4. I married Miss."Righ.".I just didn't know her first name was."alway.".
5. It'.not true that married men live longer than single men.It only seems longer.
6. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
7. Losing a wife can be hard.In my case, it was nearly impossible.
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
9. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, th."becomes silent.
10. A husband said to his wife."No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother‐in‐law better than mine."
11. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he'.finished.
12. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.
13. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
14. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
15. Any married man should forget his mistakes—there'.no use in two people remembering the same thing.
16. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
17. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
18. To keep your marriage brimming with love in the marriage cup—Whenever you'.e wrong, admit it.
Whenever you'.e right, shut up.
19. My opinions are my wife'., and she says I'.lucky to have them.
20. When a man holds a woman'.hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self‐defense.
21. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking: the husband gives and the wife takes.
22. Marriage is not just having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
23. It'.true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married.
24. A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
丈夫如是说
1. 我和我妻子都各自幸福地生活了二十几年，然后我们相遇了。
2. 好妻子总是会原谅丈夫，当她自己做错事的时候。
3. 我已经好几个月没和妻子说话了，我可不想打扰她。
4. 我娶到了“正。”女人，只是不知道她的姓是“。”。
5. 说已婚男人比单身汉活得更久是不对的，其实只是看起来更久。
6. 已婚男人比单身汉长寿，不过他们更愿意早死。
7. 失去老婆会很难，但对我来说，这根本不可能。
8. 男女平等是不可能的，除非她们能秃着头在大街上走还觉得自己很好看。
9. 结婚前，男人为他所爱的女人痴迷。结婚后，就只剩为她赚钱了。
10. 丈夫对妻子说：“不，我并不是讨厌你的亲戚，只是比起我的丈母娘来，我更喜欢你的婆。”
11. 没结婚的男人是不完整的，结婚后他就完整（完蛋）了。
12. 结婚之前我不知道什么是真正的幸福，而等我知道的时候后，一切都已经太晚了。
13. 一个男人主动为妻子打开车门，可以肯定：要么车是新的，要么妻子是新的。
14. 婚姻就是你的妻子逐渐发现自己想要什么样的男人的过程。
15. 所有已婚男人都应该忘掉自己的错误——两个人都记着同样的事其实没什么意义。
16. 男人要想维持幸福婚姻就应该学会把嘴巴闭上，把钱包打开。
17. 如果别的男人偷走了你老婆，最好的报复方式就是让他把她留着。
18. 想让你的婚姻充满爱，就要——你犯错的时候，承认错误。你没错的时候，闭上嘴巴。
19. 我的想法正好与妻子一样，她说我很幸运。
20. 结婚前一个男人握住女人的手是因为爱情，结婚之后就是出于自卫了。
21. 幸福的婚姻就是给予和索取：给予的是丈夫，索取的是妻子。
22. 结婚并不仅仅是有了妻子，还有随之而来的无尽的烦恼。
23. 每个人生来都是平等自由的，但是他们中的一些人结婚了。
24. 绅士就是从来不当着女士的面骂自己妻子的人。
26.What If...
"Dear,"said the wife."what would you do if I died."
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset."said the husband."Why do you ask such a question."
"Would you remarry."persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear."said the husband.
"Don't you like being married."said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear."he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry."
"Alright."said the husband."I'.remarry."
"You would."said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes."said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed."said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would."replied the husband.
"I see."said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes."
"I suppose, if she wanted to."
"Really."said the wife icily."And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her."
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so."said the wife, leaping to her feet."And I suppose you'.let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear."said the husband,"She'.left‐handed."
要是……
“亲爱。”妻子说，“要是我死了，你怎么。”
“怎么啦，亲爱的，我会很伤。”丈夫说，“你干吗问这样的问。”
“你会再婚。”做妻子的毫不放松。
“不会，当然不会，亲爱。”丈夫说。
“你不喜欢结。”妻子说。
“当然喜欢，亲爱。”他说。
“那么你为什么不再。”
“好。”丈夫说，“我再婚就是。”
“你。”妻子说，看来有点受伤的样子。
“是。”丈夫说。
“你会和她睡在这张床上。”妻子沉默了好一会儿问道。
“唔，是的吧，我想会。”丈夫回答。
“明白。”妻子恼怒地说，“你会让她穿我的衣服。”
“会吧，如果她想穿的。”丈夫说。
“是。”妻子冷冰冰地说，“你会把我的照片换成她的。”
“会的，我想那样做是对。”
“是。”妻子跳起来，“那你也会让她用我的高尔夫球杆。”
“当然不会，亲爱。”丈夫说，“她是个左撇。”
下篇 奇葩囧语
1.Send the Bill to My Father
Doctor: I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary.
Patient: Then send the bill to my father, please.
把账单给我父亲
医生：“对你的病痛我无能为力。那是遗传。”
病人：“那请你把账单给我父亲。”
2.How about That
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read."Here lies Alva, a lawyer and an honest man."
"How about that."he exclaimed."They'.e got three people buried in one grave."
怎么回事
一个上坟的人看到一块墓碑上写着：“这里躺着阿尔瓦里，一个律师和一个诚实的。”
“这是怎么回。”他大声说道，“他们把三个人合葬在了同一座墓。”
3.I'.e Got the Wrong Room
"A beautiful woman appeared in the doorway of my hotel room and said, 'Oh, no, I'.e got the wrong room.'.Henry relates.
"But I told,'You'.e got the right room—you'.e just 20 years too late!'.
走错了房间
“一个美女出现在我旅馆房间的门口说：‘噢，不，我走错了房间。’亨利叙述说。
“但我说：‘你走对了——只是迟到了二十年！’
4.You'.e Facing the Wrong Way
In a cinema, a lady turned round and said to the giggling school girls behind her."Do you mind, I'.trying to watch the film."
"In that case,"said one of them."you'.e facing the wrong way."
你看错方向了
剧院里，一位女士回头对后面正在说笑的一群女学生说：“不好意思，我想好好看会儿电。”
“既然这。”其中一个女孩子说，“您现在可是看错方向。”
5.How Do I Breathe
A friend of mine explained how his eyes had watered when he sliced onions.Trying to be helpful, I told him his eyes wouldn't tear if he cut the onions under water.
"Well, yes,"he said,"but how do I breathe."
我怎么呼吸
我的一位朋友向我解释说，他在切洋葱时总是眼泪直流。为了帮他，我告诉他在水下切洋葱就不会流泪。
“噢，是。”他说，“可我怎么呼吸。”
6.Protest
A drunk stands up in a bar and shouts."All Lawyers are scumbags."
Another drunk stands up and yells."Hey, I resent that remark."
The first drunk yells."Why, are you a lawyer."
"No,"said the second drunk."I'.a scumbag."
抗议
一喝醉了的人在一酒吧大叫：“所有的律师都是无。”
另外的一个喝醉了的人站起来同样大叫：“嗨，我不同意你那么。”
那个喝醉了的人大叫：“为什么？你是一位律。”
“。”第二个喝醉了的说，“我是一个无。”
7.Beat Your Son
Mr. Blake was watching TV when his seven‐year‐old son came into the room crying."Daddy, my grandpa slapped me in the face."
Hearing that, Mr. Blake became so angry that he suddenly boxed his own ears heavily and said."You beat my son and I dare to beat yours."
打你儿子
布莱克先生在房间里看电视，他七岁的儿子走进来哭道：“爸爸，爷爷刚才打了我一巴。”
布莱克先生听了非常生气，突然重重地打了自己一个耳光，说：“你打我儿子，我也敢打你儿。”
8.I Thought You Were Landing
A small plane with an instructor and student on board hit the runway and bounced repeatedly until it came to a stop.
The instructor turned to the student and said."That was a very bad landing you just made."
"Me."replied the student."I thought you were landing."
我以为你在降落
一架载着一名飞行教练和一名学员的小型飞机撞在跑道上，颠簸了一阵才停下来。教练转过身对学员说：“你这次降落得真是太糟。”
“。”学员回答说，“我还以为是你在降落。”
9.Where Am I
An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw a farmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer."Excuse me, can you tell me where I am."
"Yes,"the farmer looked at him strangely and said."you are in your car, sir."
我在哪儿
一个英国人在乡下开车时迷了路，他看见一个农民正在附近的地里干活。于是他就把车开过去问那位农民：“劳驾，您能告诉我我现在在哪儿。”
“可。”农夫奇怪地看了看他后说，“你现在在你的车子里，先。”
10.Go Home for My Pyjamas
Mr. Billy had spent the evening visiting his old friend Mr. Moore, but when the time came for him to leave there was a sudden thunderstorm and the rain began to fall in torrents.
"You'.better stay the night."said Mr. Moore.
"Thanks, I will."said Mr. Billy."I'.l just go home for my pyjamas."
拿睡衣
一天晚上，比利万先生去拜访老朋友莫尔先生。正当他要起身告辞时，突然下起了雷阵雨，大雨倾盆而下。
“你最好在这里过。”莫尔先生说。
“谢谢，我会。”比利万先生说，“但我要先跑回家去拿睡衣。”
11.Keep Feeding
A mother saw her three‐year‐old son put a nickel in his mouth and swallowed. She immediately picked him up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside."Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes! What shall I do."
Yelled back the father."Keep feeding him nickels."
继续喂
母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去，她立刻将他抱起，头朝下不停地拍打他的后背，他咳出了两枚一角的硬币，她发狂似地朝正在外面的孩子父亲喊道：“你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币，可咳出两枚一角的硬币！我该怎么办。”
孩子他爸大声回答道：“再喂他几枚五分镍。”
12.Lawyer and Engineer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer, said."I'.here because my house burned down, and then insurance company paid for everything.""That'.quite a coincidence,"said the engineer."I'.here because my house destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer lookd somewhat confused."How do you start a flood."he asked.
律师与工程师
一个律师与一个工程师在加勒比海边钓鱼，律师说：“我到这里是因为我的房子被大火烧了，保险公司赔偿了我所有的损。”“这太巧。”工程师说，“我是因为房子被洪水冲垮了，保险公司也赔偿了所有的损。”
律师看起来有些困惑。“你是怎么引起洪水。”他不解地问。
13.I'.a Grandfather
I was elated when my son called me from Japan with the wonderful news of my grandson'.birth. I took down all an the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co‐workers."I'.a grandfather."I declared."It'.a baby boy, and he weighs seven pounds.""When was he born."someone asked. Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar and said in amazement."Tomorrow."
我当爷爷了
当我儿子从日本打电话来告诉我一个好消息，说我的孙子出生了的时候，我兴奋极了。我把所有的情况都记下来，转述给我的同事们。我宣布说：“我当爷爷了！是个男孩，重七磅。”“什么时候出生的。”有人问道。我看着儿子告诉我的日期，突然顿住了，再看了看日历，我惊讶地说：“明。”
14.A Burglar Can't Find Me Either
My brother got a call from a security firm that offered him a promotional burglar alarm at no charge. Happy to get something for free, he gave the caller directions to his farm. But no one showed up. The next morning the supplier called him to say that he was lost."I'.l try again to find you."he said."Never mind."said my brother."If you can't find me, I don't expect a burglar can either."
贼也找不到我
我弟弟接到保安公司的促销电话，说要免费给他提供防盗警报器。他听说能免费得到东西，就很高兴地告诉了那个人怎么走到他的农场。但却没有人来。第二天早上，那人打电话说他头一天迷路了。“我会再找一次。”他说。我弟弟却说：“没关系，如果你都找不到我，那我想贼也不会找到。”
15.Use a Pencil
A lady got her doctor on the phone.
"Come quick, doc."she cried."My one‐year‐old boy just swallowed my fountain pen."
"I'.l come over as soon as possible,"sald the doctor."but there are several patients in my off ice now and you may not see me for two or three hours."
"Two or three hours."cried the lady."What shall I do in themeantime."
"Sorry, madam,"said the doctor."I am afraid you will have to use a pencil."
用铅笔
一位女士给医生打电话。
“大夫，快过。”她喊道，“我一岁的儿子刚才把我的自来水笔吞下去。”
“我会尽快赶过去。”医生说，“但现在诊所里还有几个病人，你再等两三个小时。”
“两三个小。”那位女士大声喊道，“这段时间我该怎么。”
“对不起，太。”医生说，“恐怕你只能用铅笔。”
16.They Are Directly from America
Not long after an old Asian woman came back to Asia from her visit to her daughter in the States. She went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering:
"Trust me, sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
从美国直接带来的
一位亚洲老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。这种做法让.老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：
“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来。”
17.Why Is She Screaming
Once a music teacher took her class to enjoy the first‐grand opera. The lights began to dim, the conductor began waving his baton, and the soprano started singing.
After a while, one of the students asked the teacher."Why does the conductor keep waving his stick at the woman？ What has she done."
So the teacher said."Oh. don't worry. It'.just the way it is. He won't hit her! Don't worry."
And so the student asked."Then why is she screaming."
她为何尖叫
一位音乐老师带学生去欣赏一流的大型歌剧。当灯光暗下来之后，歌剧指挥开始挥动他的指挥棒，女高音的歌声随之而响。
过了一会儿，一位学生问老师：“为什么指挥先生一直朝那位女士挥棒子呢？她做错了什么事。”
老师回答：“噢！不要担心，歌剧的演唱方式就是这样，他不会打她的，你不要担。”
学生又问：“那为什么她要这样大声尖叫。”
18.How Much do You Figure I Owe You
When a time operator found that his office safe had jammed, hecalled the nearby state prison asked whether any of the inmates mightknow how to open it.
Soon, a convict and a prison guard showed up at the office. The inmate spun the dials, listened intently and calmly opened the safedoor.
"I'.much obliged."said the mine operator."How much doyou figure I owe you."
"Well,"said the prisoner."the last time I opened a safe I got＄35, 00."
付多少钱
一名矿主发现办公室的保险箱卡住了，就给附近的州监狱打去了电话，问是否有囚犯知道怎样打开保险箱。
不久，一名囚犯和监狱看守就来到了他的办公室。那个囚犯扭动号码，仔细听了听，然后平静地打开了保险箱门。
“非常感。”矿主说，“我要付给你多少。”
“。”那个囚犯说，“上次我打开一个保险箱，得到三万五千美。”
19.I'.l Go There Myself in A Few Minutes
There was once a landlord who always pretended he was knowledgeable though he was completely unable to read or write.
One day when the landlord was chatting with his guests, a servant came in and gave him a letter that asked him to lend a cow.The landlord was afraid that his guests would know he was unable to read and write, so he opened the envelope and glanced over the words.Then he said to the servant,"OK, please tell him I'.l go there myself in a few minutes."
等会儿我自己过去
从前有一个地主既不会读也不会写，偏要装作很有学问。
一天，地主正在和宾客们聊天，一个仆人走进来递给他一封信，信上请他出借一头牛。地主害怕客人们知道他是个文盲，就打开信封，瞧了一眼信上的文字，然后对仆人说：“好吧，请告诉他，我等会儿自己过。”
20.Bad News
A man walked into a bar and asked for five shots of vodka. The bartender said."Five shots？ What'.wrong."
"I found out my older brother is a gay."replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for five shots of vodka."What now."asked the bartender.
"I found out my younger brother is a gay."replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for five shots of vodka."Buddy, does anybody in your family like women."asked the bartender.
The man replied."Yeah, my wife does."
坏消息
一个男人走进一家酒吧，要了五杯伏特加酒。侍者说：“五杯？出什么事。”
“我发现我哥哥是同性。”男人回答。
第二天晚上，他又走进这家酒吧，又叫了五杯伏特加。“又怎么。”侍者问。
“我发现我弟弟是同性。”男人回答。
第三天晚上，男人再次走进酒吧要了五杯伏特加。“老兄，难道你家里就没人喜欢女人。”侍者问。
男人回道：“有，我妻。”
21.Logic Reasoning
A fifrth‐grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation."she said."A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank."
A girl raised her hand and asked."To draw out all of his savings."
逻辑推理
小学五年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：“有样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什。”
一个女生举手答道：“是不是去取他的存。”
22.That Was before I Tried It
A guy comes into the circus office and says."I can climb up the center tent pole, dive off with no tent, land on my head in the middle of the ring, stand up and take a bow—all for ＄30."
"I don't know,"says the ringmaster."I'.have to see it first."
So the guy climbs up, jumps, lands on his head, stands up and bows.
"Okay."shouts the ringmaster."You'.e hired for＄30."
"Not ＄300,"says the guy,"＄50."
"I thought you just said ＄30."complains the ringmaster.
The guy says."That was before I tried it."
试前价
一个人走进马戏团办公室说：“我可以爬到中场帐篷的支柱上，从帐篷的支柱上往下跳，头朝下在表演场中央落地，站起来，鞠躬——全部费用是三百美。”
“我不知道行不。”马戏团领班说，“我得先看看再。”
于是，那人爬上去，向下跳，头先落地，站起来，鞠躬。
“。”马戏团领班大声说道，“三百美元雇佣你。”
“不是三百美。”那人说，“是五百美。”
“我想你刚才是说三百美元。”领班抱怨说。
那人说：“那是我的试前。”
23.Goldberg
A teacher was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up. He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the student wouldn't point this out to him.
After being called on five days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends.
The next day when the teacher said."Goldberg,translate and explain."
Goldberg replied."Goldberg is absent today."
"All right."said the teacher."You translate and explain."
戈德堡
一位老师讲课时总是非常投入，从不抬头，经常让一个学生翻译解释，而且日复一日都叫同一个学生。出于尊敬，那个学生并没有给他指出这一点。
一个叫戈德堡的学生被一连叫了五天后，向朋友们请教办法。
第二天，这位老师又说：“戈德堡，翻译解。”
戈德堡回答说：“戈德堡今天没。”
“好。”老师说，“你来翻译解。”
24.An Unusual Way
A teacherof English had an unusual way to in struct com position. Once, as he called his class in order, the classroom burst open and in came a very attractive dark‐haired girl.
"Mary,"the teacher cried, leaping up from the desk."Mary,darling."
Then as a discussion started up in the classroom, he led the young girl to the door and closed it behind him.
A few seconds later he came in alone."That'.the end of the story."he announced."Now for our composition today. I want you to write the beginning and the middle."
不同寻常的方式
一名英语教师经常用不同寻常的方式教授作文。有一次，他刚整顿好课堂秩序，教室门突然开了，随后走进来一位非常迷人的黑发女孩。
“玛。”那位老师从桌边一跃而起，大声叫道，“玛丽，亲爱。”
这时，教室里响起了议论声，那位老师将年轻女孩领出门，在身后关上了门。
过了一会儿，他独自走进教室。“这是故事的结。”他宣布说，“今天的作文，我要你们写出故事开头和中间部。”
25.Grass Eater
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass."he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food."the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house."
"But sir, I have a wife and four children."
"Bring them along."the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said."Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied."No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall."
吃草的人
一个男人坐在豪华轿车后座上，他看到路旁有人在吃草，于是让司机停车，待他下车探个究竟。
“你为什么吃草。”他问那个男的。
“我没钱买吃。”那个穷人回答。
“哦，请来我家。”
“但是先生，我还有妻子和四个孩子。”
“把他们都带过来。”富人说。
他们都上了豪华轿车。开车后，那个穷人说：“先生，您太好了，谢谢您把我们全家都带上。”
富人回答说：“不，你没搞明白。我家的草都三英尺多高。”
26.How Did You Know He Was a Bandit
A woman went into a butcher shop one evening to buy some meat. A strange man followed her into the store and stood about while she was at the counter. Suddenly she screamed, and the man turned and ran out of the store, and fight into the arms of a passing patrolman. On searching him he was found to be armed. Later he was identified as a notorious hold‐up man.
"Mrs. Albert, if you hadn't screamed I would certainly have been robbed."declared the butcher gratefully.
"But how did you know he was a bandit."
"I didn't know,"protested Mrs. Albert."I screamed when you told me what the roast was going to cost me."
你怎么知道他是个强盗
一天晚上，一位女士到肉店买肉。一个奇怪的男人跟着她进了店，当她站在柜台旁时，他也站在那里。突然她尖叫起来，这个男人转身跑出了肉店，正好碰到了一个路过的巡警。经过一番检查，巡警发现他持有武器。然后他又被指认是一名臭名昭著的抢劫犯。
“艾伯特太太，要不是你尖叫我一定就被偷。”屠户感激地说道，“不过你怎么知道他是个强盗。”
“我不知。”艾伯特太太说，“你告诉我烤肉要花多少钱我才尖叫。”
27.Isn't It Quite Clear
One day his friend asked him."Why do people go hither and thither in all directions at dawn."
"Oh, isn't it a pity how foolish you are."was his reply.
"Isn't it quite clear？If all the people go in the same direction, won't the earth tilt on that side."
显而易见
一天，朋友问他：“为什么天一亮人们就纷纷向不同方向走。”
“噢，你怎么这么。”他回答说，“这不是显而易见的吗？如果所有的人都往同一个方向走去，那地球不是要倾向一边了。”
28.Americans and Japanese
When two Americans put a bunch of flowers on a friend's grave, they saw a Japanese laid a bowl of rice on the grave.
One American asked."When do you expect your friend to come and eat the rice."
The Japanese answered."When your friend comes to smell the flowers."
美国人和日本人
两个美国人在一个朋友的墓前献上了一束鲜花，这时他们看到一个日本人在朋友的墓前摆放了一碗米饭。一个美国人问道：“你觉得你的朋友什么时候能来吃米饭。”
日本人回答说：“当你的朋友来闻这些花香。”
29.I Can Turn Him off Whenever I Please
After earning my degree in broadcast journalism, I was fortunate to land a job as a disc jockey at a top‐rated local radio station. One day before work, I stopped by my parents'.ouse, where my mother was chatting with some friends. She introduced me to everyone and proudly mentioned that I had my own radio show. How is it having a son who'.a popular radio personality."asked one friend."It'.worderful."mom replied with glee."For the first time in his life, I can turn him off whenever I please."
我可以随意把他给关掉
在拿到广播新闻学位后，我很幸运地在当地一家最好的广播电台里找到了音乐节目主持人的工作。有一天上班前，我顺便去了我爸妈家，我妈妈正跟她的朋友们聊天。她把我介绍给每一个人，还骄傲地说我有自己的广播节目。她的一个朋友问：“有个受欢迎的电台主持人儿子，感觉怎么样。”我妈妈高兴地说：“非常棒！自他出生以来，我头一次可以随意把他给关。”
30.Don't Let Him in
Brad was sitting by a window in his house one day in the middle of winter, when he heard women outside crying. He put his head out of the window and saw a lot of people coming towards his house. They were carrying a dead man, and the women were crying."Oh, why are you leaving us to go a place without light and without fire and without food？ It will be dark there, and you will be cold and hungry. Nobody will look after you, nobody will be kind to you, and nobody will love you there."
"My God."said Brad to his wife."They are talking about our house. They are bringing the dead man here! Quick, lock the door! Don't let him in."
别让他进来
隆冬的一天，布拉德坐在自家屋子的窗边。这时，他听到外面有几个女人在哭。他把头探出窗户，看见好多人正朝他家走来。他们抬着一个死人，那几个女人就一直在哭喊着：“噢，你为什么要抛下我们，到一个没有光，没有炉火也没有食物的地方去？那里黑漆漆的，你会又冷又饿。那儿没人会照顾你，没人会对你好，也没人会爱你。”
“天。”布拉德对他的妻子说，“他们在说我们家呢，他们要把死人抬到这里来了！快，把门锁上！别让他进。”
31.Who Is Shakespeare
Two businessmen were invited to dinner at the home of a college professor. One of the men did not have much education and was worried that he might make a fool of himself, but his friend said."Don't worry. Just do what I do, and don't talk about that you don't really understand."
The first man managed to get through the dinner successfully, but by the end of the evening he had had a lot of drink, and began to get careless.
A guest asked him whether he liked Shakespeare, and he answered confidently."It'.very pleasant, but I prefer Scotch."
There was an uncomfortable silence in the room, and soon people began to leave.
When the two friends were out of the house, the second man said to his friend."You certainly made fool of yourself making that silly remark about Scotch."
"What do you mean."asked the other man."What was wrong with it."
"Everybody knows that Shakespeare isn't a drink,"his friend replied."It'.a kind of cheese."
莎士比亚是谁
两个商人被一名大学教授邀请到家里吃晚饭。其中的一个商人文化水平不高，因此他担心自己会做出蠢事，但是他的朋友说：“别担心，我做什么你就做什么，并且不要谈论一些你根本不懂的东。”
这个商人成功地度过了晚餐时间，但到最后他喝了很多的酒，就开始大意了。
一位客人问他是否喜欢莎士比亚，他很自信地回答：“它很好，但是我更喜欢苏格兰威士。”屋子里一阵令人尴尬的沉默之后，人们纷纷离开了。
当这两位朋友离开房子之后，另一个商人对他的朋友说：“你的确犯傻了，你说苏格兰威士忌干。”
“什么意。”另一个男人问道，“这有什么问题。”
“所有人都知道莎士比亚不是一种饮。”他的朋友回答，“它是一种奶。”
32.The Young Archer
A duke is hunting in a forest with his men‐at‐arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow."Who is this incredibly fine archer."cries the duke."I must find him."
After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow.
Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows that the duke saw embedded in the centre of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you."asks the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing."says the duke."I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well,"said the boy."I'.e been doing it the same way since I was a very small lad. First I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."
年轻射手
一个公爵正在和他的武装属下及仆人在森林里打猎，这时他碰到一棵树，上面画满了箭靶，每一个箭靶的正中心都插着一支箭。“谁有这么好的箭。”公爵叫道，“我必须找到。”
继续穿越了一片森林后，他看见了一个拿着弓和箭的小男孩。
最后那个男孩承认公爵看见的所有射中靶心的箭都是他射的。
“你不是走上去把箭插进靶心的。”公爵闷闷不乐地问。
“不，阁下，我以我圣洁的灵魂发誓，我是从100步外射中靶子。”
“这实在太让人吃惊。”公爵说，“我将许你为我服务，但我有一个要求：必须告诉我你是如何练出这么好的箭法。”
“好。”男孩说，“从很小的时候我就是这样做的：首先我把箭射在树上，接着我在它周围画上靶。”
34.I'.e Got the Airbag!
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 50 mph.The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,"Honey, I know we'.e been married for 10 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says,"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I'.e been having an affair with your best friend, and he'.a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says."I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says."I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he'.up to 80 mph.
She says."I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says."Is there anything you want."
The husband says."No, I'.e got everything I need right here."
She asks."What'.that."
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph."I'.e got the airbag."
我有气袋
一对夫妻正以每小时五十迈的速度驱车在州际公路上。丈夫在开车，妻子看着他跟他说：“亲爱的，我知道我们结婚十年了，但是，我想离。”
丈夫什么也没说，只是慢慢把车速加到六十迈。
妻子接着说：“我是不会改变主意的，因为我和你最好的朋友相爱了，他是一个比你好的爱。”
丈夫还是没有开口，只是握紧方向盘让车加速。
妻子又说：“我想要房。”
丈夫又提速了，现在开到七十迈。
妻子说：“我还想要孩。”
丈夫只是一味加速，直到八十迈。
妻子说：“我要车、存折，还有所有信用。”
丈夫慢慢把车转向立交桥的桥基，妻子说：“你想要什。”
丈夫说：“没有，我想要的东西恰巧都。”
妻子问：“想要什。”
就在车以九十迈的速度撞上桥基时，丈夫回答：“我有气。”
35.Still a Bum
Brian was a light‐hearted, happy‐go‐lucky youth. He refused to take things seriously and used to laugh at the drop of a hat. His father, who had high hopes for him, ordered him out of the house."You are a bum. You will never amount to anything. Get out of my house. I don't want to waste my money on you. You are a bum, that'.what you are. Do you hear me."
So young Brian said goodbye to his family, and stepped into the cold world trying to make a living on his own. Fortunately, Brian had a beautiful tenor voice. After a couple of years'.ard work with a concert, he became a famous opera star. When his company in his hometown, the neighbors all advised his father to go and hear his son sing.
"Brian, an opera star？ Don't make me laugh. He is a bum and will remain one."was the old man'.reaction. But acting upon the repeated urging of his neighbors, he finally bought a ticket for the opening performance.
It so happened Pagliacci was on the bill, and Brian was playing the leading role, the clown. With a booming voice, he began the recitative to the famous aria vesti La Giuba.
"Recitar! Mentre preso...sforzati! Buh! Sei tu...Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah."Here, with sadness in his heart and tears in his eyes as the role calles for it, the poor little clown laughed bitterly. On hearing this, the old man got up and walked out muttering."See what I told you？ He laughs on such a solemn occasion. He'.no good. He'.still a bum."
仍是个混混
布莱恩是个无忧无虑的年轻人。他对任何事都漫不经心，整天嘻嘻哈哈的。布莱恩父亲曾经对他寄予厚望，一怒之下将他赶出了家门：“你整天游手好闲，成不了大器，滚出去！我不想在你身上浪费钱。你是个懒鬼，你这个混混，听到了。”
于是布莱恩离开了家，踏入了这个冷酷的社会，靠自己养活自己。幸运的是，他有一副男高音的嗓子。跟随一位音乐大师刻苦地学习了几年之后，他成了有名的歌剧明星。一次回家乡演出时，邻居们都劝父亲去听听儿子的演唱。
“布莱恩，歌剧明星？别开玩笑了，他是个懒鬼，永远都。”这就是这位老人的反应。可是，在邻居的劝说下，他还是买了张首映演出的票。
那天演出的是《丑角》，布莱恩出演主角，扮演一个小丑，他激昂地唱着著名的独唱曲《穿上彩衣》。
“大声喊吧！粉末登场，你也是人吗？你是小丑……哈哈。”此时由于角色的要求，他满眼都是悲伤的泪水，表现出小丑的痛苦，这个可怜的小丑痛苦地大笑着。听到这里，老人站起来，走出去，咕哝道：“看吧，我说什么啦？他都能在这种严肃的场合笑出来，他丝毫没有长进，他还是个混。”
