"If any lady should speak to me in this way I should resent it.But no lady would so far forget herself.And I overlook your rudeness on the ground that you do not know better than to use of such expressions."This capped the climax! She declared that she had never been told before that she was no and did not know how to behave, and gave warning at once.
I wish I could help running to tell Ernest all -these annoyances.It does no good, and only worries him.But how much of a woman's life is made up of such trials and provocations! and how easy is when on one's knees to bear them aright, and how far easier to bear them wrong when one finds the coal going too fast, the butter out just as sitting down to breakfast, the potatoes watery and the bread sour or heavy! And then when one is well nigh desperate, does one's husband fail to say, in bland tones:
"My dear, if you would just speak to Bridget, I am sure she would improve."Oh, that there were indeed magic in a spoken word!
And do what I can, the money Ernest gives me will not hold out.He knows absolutely nothing about that hydra-headed monster, a household.I, have had to go back to sewing as furiously as ever.And with the sewing the old pain in the side has come back, and the sharp, quick speech that I hate, and, that Ernest hates, and that everybody hates.I groan, being burdened, and am almost weary of my life.And my prayers are all mixed up with worldly thoughts and cares.I am appalled at all the things that have got to be done before winter, and am tempted to cut short my devotions in order to have more time to accomplish what I must accomplish.
How have I got into this slough? When was it that I came down from the Mount where I had seen the Lord, and came back to make these miserable, petty things as much my business as ever? Oh, these fluctuations in my religious life amaze me! I cannot, doubt that I am really God's child; it would be dishonor to Him to doubt it.I cannot doubt that I have held as real communion with Him as with any earthly friend-and oh, it has been far sweeter!
OCT.20.-I made a parting visit to Mrs.Campbell to day, and, as usual, have come away strengthened and refreshed.She said all sorts of kind things to cheer and encourage me, and stimulated me to take up the burden of life cheerfully and patiently, just as it comes.She assures me that these fluctuations of feeling will by degrees give place to a calmer life, especially if I avoid, so far as I can do it, all unnecessary work, distraction and hurry.And a few quiet, resting words from her have given me courage to press on toward perfection, no matter how much imperfection I see in myself and others.And now Iam waiting for my Father's next gift, and the new cares and labors it will bring with it.I am glad it is not left for me to decide my own lot.I am afraid I should never see precisely the right moment for welcoming a new bird into my nest, dearly as I love the rustle of their wings and the sound of their voices when they do come.And surely He knows the right moments who knows all my struggles with a certain sort of poverty, poor health and domestic care.If I could feel that all the time, as I do at this moment, how happy I should always be!
JANUARY 16, 1847.-This is the tenth anniversary of our wedding day, and it has been a delightful one.If I were called upon to declare what has been the chief element of my happiness, I should say it was not Ernest's love to me or mine to him, or that I am once more the mother of three children, or that my own dear mother still lives, though I revel in each and all of these.But underneath them all, deeper, stronger than all, lies a peace with God that I can compare to no other joy, which I guard as I would guard hid treasure, and which must abide if all things else pass away.
My baby is two months old, and her name is Ethel.The three children together form a beautiful picture which I am never tired of admiring.
But they will not give me much time for writing.This little new comer takes all there, is of me.Mother brings me pleasant reports of Miss Clifford, who under her gentle, wise influence is becoming an earnest Christian, already rejoicing in the Providence that arrested her where it did, and forced her to reflection.Mother says we ought to study God's providence more than we do since He has a meaning and a purpose in everything He does.Sometimes I can do this and find it a source of great happiness.Then worldly cares seem mere worldly cares, and I forget that His wise, kind hand is in every one of them.
FEBRUARY.-Helen has been spending the whole day with me, as she often does, helping me with her skillful needle, and with the children, in a very sweet way.I am almost ashamed to indulge in writing down how dearly she seems to love me, and how disposed she is to sit at my feet as a learner at the very moment I am longing to possess her sweet, gentle temper.But one thing puzzles me, in her, and that is the difficulty she finds in getting hold of these simple truths her father used to grope after but never found till just as he was passing out of the world.It seems as if God had compensated such turbulent, fiery natures as mine, by revealing Himself to them, for the terrible hours of shame and sorrow through which their sins and follies cause them to pass.I suffer far more than Helen does, suffer bitterly, painfully, but I enjoy tenfold more.For I know whom I have believed, and I cannot doubt that I am truly united to Him.Helen is naturally very reserved, but by degrees she has come talk with me quite frankly.To-day as we sat together in the nursery, little Raymond snatched a toy from Una, who, as usual, yielded to him without a frown.I called him to me; he came reluctantly.
"Raymond, dear," I said, "did you ever see papa snatch anything from me?"He smiled, and shook his head.
