As a rule,his method is this,he reads very little,but all that he reads is BAD.The feeblest articles in the weakliest magazines,the very mildest and most conventional novels appear to be the only studies of the majority.Apparently the would-be contributor says to himself,or herself,"well,_I_can do something almost on the level of this or that maudlin and invertebrate novel."Then he deliberately sits down to rival the most tame,dull,and illiterate compositions that get into print.In this way bad authors become the literary parents of worse authors.Nobody but a reader of MSS.knows what myriads of fiction are written without one single new situation,original character,or fresh thought.The most out-worn ideas:sudden loss of fortune;struggles;faithlessness of First Lover;noble conduct of Second Lover:frivolity of younger sister;excellence of mother:naughtiness of one son,virtue of another,these are habitually served up again and again.On the sprained ankles,the mad bulls,the fires,and other simple devices for doing without an introduction between hero and heroine I need not dwell.
The very youngest of us is acquainted with these expedients,which,by this time of day,will spell failure.
The common novels of Governess life,the daughters and granddaughters of Jane Eyre,still run riot among the rejected manus.The lively large family,all very untidy and humorous,all wearing each other's boots and gloves,and making their dresses out of bedroom curtains and marrying rich men,still rushes down the easy descent to failure.The sceptical curate is at large,and is disbelieving in everything except the virtues of the young woman who "has a history."Mr.Swinburne hopes that one day the last unbelieving clergyman will disappear in the embrace of the last immaculate Magdalen,as the Princess and the Geni burn each other to nothingness,in the Arabian Nights.On that happy day there will be one less of the roads leading to failure.If the pair can carry with them the self-sacrificing characters who take the blame of all the felonies that they did not do,and the nice girl who is jilted by the poet,and finds that the squire was the person whom she REALLY loved,so much the better.If not only Monte Carlo,but the inevitable scene in the Rooms there can be abolished;if the Riviera,and Italy can be removed from the map of Europe as used by novelists,so much the better.But failure will always be secured,while the huge majority of authors do not aim high,but aim at being a little lower than the last domestic drivel which came out in three volumes,or the last analysis of the inmost self of some introspective young girl which crossed the water from the States.
These are general counsels,and apply to the production of books.
But,when you have done your book,you may play a number of silly tricks with your manu.I have already advised you to make only one copy,a rough one,as that secures negligence in your work,and also disgusts an editor or reader.It has another advantage,you may lose your copy altogether,and,as you have not another,no failure can be more complete.The best way of losing it,I think and the safest,is to give it to somebody you know who has once met some man or woman of letters.This somebody must be instructed to ask that busy and perhaps casual and untidy person to read your manu,and "place"it,that is,induce some poor publisher or editor to pay for and publish it.Now the man,or woman of letters,will use violent language on receiving your clumsy brown paper parcel of illegible wares,because he or she has no more to do with the matter than the crossing sweeper.The MS.will either be put away so carefully that it can never be found again,or will be left lying about so that the housemaid may use it for her own domestic purposes,like Betty Barnes,the cook of Mr.Warburton,who seems to have burned several plays of Shakespeare.
The MS.in short will go where the old moons go.
And all dead days drift thither,And all disastrous things.
Not only can you secure failure thus yourself,but you can so worry and badger your luckless victim,that he too will be unable to write well till he has forgotten you and your novel,and all the annoyance and anxiety you have given him.Much may be done by asking him for "introductions"to an editor or publisher.These gentry don't want introductions,they want good books,and very seldom get them.If you behave thus,the man whom you are boring will write to his publisher:
Dear Brown,A wretched creature,who knows my great aunt,asks me to recommend his rubbish to you.I send it by today's post,and I wish you joy of it.
This kind of introduction will do you excellent service in smoothing the path to failure.You can arrive at similar results by sending your MS.NOT to the editor of this or that magazine,but to some one who,as you have been told by some nincompoop,is the editor,and who is NOT.He MAY lose your book,or he may let it lie about for months,or he may send it on at once to the real editor with his bitter malison.The utmost possible vexation is thus inflicted on every hand,and a prejudice is established against you which the nature of your work is very unlikely to overcome.By all means bore many literary strangers with correspondence,this will give them a lively recollection of your name,and an intense desire to do you a bad turn if opportunity arises.
{6}If your book does,in spite of all,get itself published,send it with your compliments to critics and ask them for favourable reviews.
It is the publisher's business to send out books to the editors of critical papers,but never mind THAT.Go on telling critics that you know praise is only given by favour,that they are all more or less venal and corrupt and members of the Something Club,add that YOU are no member of a coterie nor clique,but that you hope an exception will be made,and that your volume will be applauded on its merits.
