I have experienced two kinds of love, equally real, which have scarce any affinity, yet each differing materially from tender friendship.My whole life has been divided between these affections, and I have frequently felt the power of both at the same instant.
For example, at the very time I so publicly and tyrannically claimed Miss Vulson, that I could not suffer any other of my sex to approach her, I had short, but passionate, assignations with a Miss Goton, who thought proper to act the schoolmistress with me.Our meetings, though absolutely childish, afforded me the height of happiness.Ifelt the whole charm of mystery, and repaid Miss Vulson in kind, when she least expected it, the use she made of me in concealing her amours.To my great mortification, this secret was soon discovered, and I presently lost my young schoolmistress.
Miss Goton was, in fact, a singular personage.She was not handsome, yet there was a certain something in her figure which could not easily be forgotten, and this for an old fool, I am too often convinced of.
Her eyes, in particular, neither corresponded with her age, her height, nor her manner; she had a lofty imposing air which agreed extremely well with the character she assumed, but the most extraordinary part of her composition was a mixture of forwardness and reserve difficult to be conceived; and while she took the greatest liberties with me, would never permit any to be taken with her in return, treating me precisely like a child.This makes me suppose she had either ceased herself to be one, or was yet sufficiently so to behold us play the danger to which this folly exposed her.
I was so absolutely in the power of both these mistresses, that when in the presence of either, I never thought of her who was absent; in other respects, the effects they produced on me bore no affinity.Icould have passed my whole life with Miss Vulson, without forming a wish to quit her; but then, my satisfaction was attended with a pleasing serenity; and, in numerous companies, I was particularly charmed with her.The sprightly sallies of her wit, the arch glance of her eye, even jealousy itself, strengthened my attachment, and Itriumphed in the preference she seemed to bestow on me, while addressed by more powerful rivals; applause, encouragement, and smiles, gave animation to my happiness.Surrounded by a throng of observers, I felt the whole force of love- I was passionate, transported; in a tete-a-tete, I should have been constrained, thoughtful, perhaps unhappy.If Miss Vulson was ill, I suffered with her; would willingly have given up my own health to establish hers (and, observe, I knew the want of it from experience); if absent, she employed my thoughts, I felt the want of her; when present, her caresses came with warmth and rapture to my heart, though my senses were unaffected.The familiarities she bestowed on me I could not have supported the idea of her granting to another; I loved her with a brother's affection only, but experienced all the jealousy of a lover.
With Miss Goton this passion might have acquired a degree of fury; Ishould have been a Turk, a tiger, had I once imagined she bestowed her favors on any but myself.The pleasure I felt on approaching Miss Vulson was sufficiently ardent, though unattended with uneasy sensations; but at sight of Miss Goton, I felt myself bewildered-every sense was absorbed in ecstasy.I believe it would have been impossible to have remained long with her; I must have been suffocated with the violence of my palpitations.I equally dreaded giving either of them displeasure; with one I was more complaisant; with the other, more submissive.I would not have offended Miss Vulson for the world; but if Miss Goton had commanded me to throw myself into the flames, I think I should have instantly obeyed her.Happily, both for her and myself, our amours, or rather rendezvous, were not of long duration: and though my connection with Miss Vulson was less dangerous, after a continuance of some greater length, that likewise had its catastrophe; indeed the termination of a love affair is good for nothing, unless it partakes of the romantic, and can furnish out at least an exclamation.
Though my correspondence with Miss Vulson was less animated, it was perhaps more endearing; we never separated without tears, and it can hardly be conceived what a void I felt in my heart.I could neither think nor speak of anything but her.These romantic sorrows were not affected, though I am inclined to believe they did not absolutely center in her, for I am persuaded (though I did not perceive it at that time) being deprived of amusement bore a considerable share in them.
To soften the rigor of absence, we agreed to correspond with each other, and the pathetic expressions these letters contained were sufficient to have split a rock.In a word, I had the honor of her not being able to endure the pain of separation.She came to see me at Geneva.
My head was now completely turned; and during the two days she remained here, I was intoxicated with delight.At her departure, Iwould have thrown myself into the water after her, and absolutely rent the air with my cries.The week following she sent me sweetmeats, gloves, etc.This certainly would have appeared extremely gallant, had I not been informed of her marriage at the same instant, and that the journey I had thought proper to give myself the honor of, was only to buy her wedding suit.
