Times were changed; but I was still the same man.I did not choose to be sent to dine in the servants' hall, and was but little desirous of appearing at the table of the great; I should have been much better pleased had they left me as I was, without caressing me and rendering me ridiculous.I answered politely and respectfully to Monsieur and Madam de Luxembourg, but I did not accept their offers, and my indisposition and timidity, with my embarrassment in speaking, making me tremble at the idea alone of appearing in an assembly of people of the court.I did not even go to the castle to pay a visit of thanks, although I sufficiently comprehended this was all they desired, and that their eager politeness was rather a matter of curiosity than benevolence.
However, advances still were made, and even became more pressing.
The Comtesse de Boufflers, who was very intimate with the lady of the marechal, sent to inquire after my health, and to beg I would go and see her.I returned her a proper answer, but did not stir from my house.At the journey of Easter, the year following, 1759, the Chevalier de Lorenzy, who belonged to the court of the Prince of Conti, and was intimate with Madam de Luxembourg, came several times to see me, and we became acquainted; he pressed me to go to the castle, but I refused to comply.At length, one afternoon, when Ileast expected anything of the kind, I saw coming up to the house the Marechal de Luxembourg, followed by five or six persons.There was now no longer any means of defense; and I could not, without being arrogant and unmannerly, do otherwise than return this visit, and make my court to Madam la Marechale, from whom the marshall had been the bearer of the most obliging compliments to me.Thus, under unfortunate auspices, began the connections from which I could no longer preserve myself, although a too well-founded foresight made me afraid of them until they were made.
I was excessively afraid of Madam de Luxembourg.I knew she was amiable as to manner.I had seen her several times at the theater, and with the Duchess of Boufflers, and in the bloom of her beauty; but she was said to be malignant; and this in a woman of her rank made me tremble.I had scarcely seen her before I was subjugated.I thought her charming with that charm proof against time and which had the most powerful action upon my heart.I expected to find her conversation satirical and full of pleasantries and points.It was not so; it was much better.The conversation of Madam de Luxembourg is not remarkably full of wit; it has no sallies, nor even finesse; it is exquisitely delicate, never striking, but always pleasing.Her flattery is the more intoxicating as it is natural; it seems to escape her involuntarily, and her heart to overflow because it is too full.Ithought I perceived, on my first visit, that notwithstanding my awkward manner and embarrassed expression, I was not displeasing to her.All the women of the court know how to persuade us of this when they please, whether it be true or not, but they do not all, like Madam de Luxembourg, possess the art of rendering that persuasion so agreeable that we are no longer disposed ever to have a doubt remaining.From the first day my confidence in her would have been as full as it soon afterwards became, had not the Duchess of Montmorency, her daughter-in-law, young, giddy, and malicious also, taken it into her head to attack me, and in the midst of the eulogiums of her mamma, and feigned allurements on her own account, made me suspect I was only considered by them as a subject of ridicule.
It would perhaps have been difficult to relieve me from this fear with these two ladies had not the extreme goodness of the marechal confirmed me in the belief that theirs was not real.Nothing is more surprising, considering my timidity, than the promptitude with which Itook him at his word on the footing of equality to which he would absolutely reduce himself with me, except it be that with which he took me at mine with respect to the absolute independence in which Iwas determined to live.Both persuaded I had reason to be content with my situation, and that I was unwilling to change it, neither he nor Madam de Luxembourg seemed to think a moment of my purse or fortune;although I can have no doubt of the tender concern they had for me, they never proposed to me a place nor offered me their interest, except it were once, when Madam de Luxembourg seemed to wish me to become a member of the French Academy.I alleged my religion; this she told me was no obstacle, or if it was one she engaged to remove it.
I answered, that however great the honor of becoming a member of so illustrious a body might be, having refused M.de Tressan, and, in some measure, the King of Poland, to become a member of the Academy at Nancy, I could not with propriety enter into any other.Madam de Luxembourg did not insist, and nothing more was said upon the subject.
This simplicity of intercourse with persons of such rank, and who had the power of doing anything in my favor, M.de Luxembourg being, and highly deserving to be, the particular friend of the king, affords a singular contrast with the continual cares, equally importunate and officious, of the friends and protectors from whom I had just separated, and who endeavored less to serve me than to render me contemptible.
