This gave me some uneasiness, and put me more upon my guard.I removed my papers from the alcove to my chamber, and dropped my acquaintance with these people, having learned they had shown in several houses the first volume of Emilius, which I had been imprudent enough to lend them.Although they continued until my departure to be my neighbors, Inever, after my first suspicions, had the least communication with them.The Contrat Social appeared a month or two before Emile.Rey, whom I had desired never secretly to introduced into France any of my books, applied to the magistrate for leave to send this book by Rouen, to which place he sent his package by sea.He received no answer, and his bales, after remaining at Rouen several months, were returned to him, but not until an attempt had been made to confiscate them; this, probably, would have been done had not he made a great clamor.Several persons, whose curiosity the work had excited, sent to Amsterdam for copies, which were circulated without being much noticed.Maulion, who had heard of this, and had, Ibelieve, seen the work, spoke to me on the subject with an air of mystery which surprised me, and would likewise have made me uneasy if, certain of having conformed to every rule, I had not by virtue of my grand maxim, kept my mind calm.I moreover had no doubt but M.de Choiseul, already well disposed towards me, and sensible of the eulogium of his administration, which my esteem for him had induced me to make in the work, would support me against the malevolence of Madam de Pompadour.
I certainly had then as much reason as ever to hope for the goodness of M.de Luxembourg, and even for his assistance in case of need;for he never at any time had given me more frequent or more pointed marks of his friendship.At the journey of Easter, my melancholy state no longer permitting me to go to the castle, he never suffered a day to pass without coming to see me, and at length, perceiving my sufferings to be incessant, he prevailed upon me to determine to see Friar Come.He immediately sent for him, came with him, and had the courage, uncommon in a man of his rank, to remain with me during the operation which was cruel and tedious.Upon the first examination, Come thought he found a great stone, and told me so; at the second, he could not find it again.After having made a third attempt with so much care and circumspection that I thought the time long, he declared there was no stone, but that the prostate gland was schirrous and considerably thickened.He besides added, that I had a great deal to suffer, and should live a long time.Should the second prediction be as fully accomplished as the first, my sufferings are far from being at an end.
It was thus I learned, after having been so many years treated for disorders which I never had, that my incurable disease, without being mortal, would last as long as myself.My imagination, repressed by this information, no longer presented to me in perspective a cruel death in the agonies of the stone.
Delivered from imaginary evils, more cruel to me than those which were real, I more patiently suffered the latter.It is certain Ihave since suffered less from my disorder than I had done before, and every time I recollect that I owe this alleviation to M.de Luxembourg, his memory becomes more dear to me.
Restored, as I may say, to life, and more than ever occupied with the plan according to which I was determined to pass the rest of my days, all the obstacle to the immediate execution of my design was the publication of Emile.I thought of Touraine where I had already been and which pleased me much, as well on account of the mildness of the climate, as on that of the character of the inhabitants.
La terra molle lieta e dilettosa Simile a se gli abitator produce.
I had already spoken of my project to M.de Luxembourg, who endeavored to dissuade me from it; I mentioned it to him a second time as a thing resolved upon.He then offered me the castle of Merlou, fifteen leagues from Paris, as an asylum which might be agreeable to me, and where he and Madam de Luxembourg would have a real pleasure in seeing me settled.The proposition made a pleasing impression on my mind.But the first thing necessary was to see the place, and we agreed upon a day when the marechal was to send his valet de chamber with a carriage to take me to it.On the day appointed, I was much indisposed; the journey was postponed, and different circumstances prevented me from ever making it.I have since learned the estate of Merlou did not belong to the marechal but to his lady, on which account I was the less sorry I had not gone to live there.
Emile was at length given to the public, without my having heard further of retrenchments or difficulties.Previous to the publication, the marechal asked me for all the letters M.de Malesherbes had written to me on the subject of the work.My great confidence in both, and the perfect security in which I felt myself, prevented me from reflecting upon this extraordinary and even alarming request.Ireturned all the letters, excepting one or two which, from inattention, were left between the leaves of a book.A little time before this, M.de Malesherbes told me he should withdraw the letters I had written to Duchesne during my alarm relative to the Jesuits, and, it must be confessed, these letters did no great honor to my reason.But in my answer I assured him I would not in anything pass for being better than I was, and that he might have the letters where they were.I know not what he resolved upon.
