For my grandmother and staunchest supporter, Leokadjia "Lillian" B. Kelley, whose indomitable strength came at such a high cost
taking the medicine
Jael Thompson looks at her reflection in the bathroom mirror and frowns. She pushes back her curly black hair and stares into her green eyes so hard that the rest of her features blur.
"You know what I heard?" she says. "That what you see in the mirror isn't what you really look like. That since mirrors flip everything, you're looking at a flipped version of your face. Like, the exact opposite."
"What?" says her best friend, Brittany Brougher. She walks into the bathroom armed with several bottles of hair product, plastic gloves, and a towel. "Where do you get this stuff, J?"
Jael shrugs, pushing the tip of her nose to one side, then the other.
"Some NPR show," she says.
"Seriously," says Britt. She elbows Jael away from the mirror and lines up the bottles on the sink. "Your dad needs to get you guys a TV."
"Right, like that'll happen," says Jael. "He won't even get me leave-in conditioner."
"And so, my gift to you," says Britt, spreading her hands to present the bottles. "Happy early birthday!"
"Thanks, Britt," says Jael, turning the bottles so that she can examine the labels.
"Well, honestly, I hope this is the right stuff," says Britt. She takes a moment to adjust her own perfectly styled honey-blond hair. "I tried to describe your hair to the lady at the store, and she was all, 'So is she black or mixed?' Which I thought was kind of a lame thing to say. Mixed."
"What did you tell her?" asks Jael.
"I said I didn't think you were black, but maybe like Middle Eastern or something, but I didn't really know for sure. And she was all, 'What do you mean, you don't know?' and I said you didn't really know either and why's she so hung up on the labels anyway and she just kind of gave up and shoved this stuff at me."
"Yeah, well, it definitely can't make things worse." Jael grabs a fistful of her hair. "I can't even run a comb through this anymore. It's like a giant black cotton ball on my head."
"So did you really ask your dad to get you something and he said no?"
"Yep," says Jael. "He gave me this look, you know, like I was asking for some bizarre extravagance."
"Oh my God, I can totally see it," says Britt. She scrunches her face into a frown and glares at herself in the mirror. "Jael…," she says, in a pretty good imitation of Jael's father's flat, gruff voice. "Jael, money is tight. Do you really need these things?"
"No, you're right, Dad," says Jael in a chipper, squeaky voice. "It's actually really convenient that I can store all my pens and pencils in my hair. In fact, you know what? I'll just grow my hair a little longer so you don't even have to get me folders this year!"
Britt breaks into a laugh. "I would pay you so much money to say that to him!"
"Oh yeah, 'cause that would go over really well," Jael says.
"Who cares," says Britt, turning away from the mirror to look at her friend directly. "What's he going to do, take away your allowance?"
"Ha, what allowance?"
"Exactly! So stand up to him for once."
"It's just…" Jael stops and looks down at her hands, opening and closing them. "Whatever. It's no big deal…."
Britt raises an eyebrow. "It's just what? You're scared of him."
"No!" says Jael. "I mean, sort of. Look, he's all I've ever had, you know? And when I piss him off, he totally shuts down on me. And it's… it's really lonely."
"You know I get that, J," says Britt. She sits Jael down on the toilet seat and begins to work the conditioner into her hair. "I feel the same way about my mom. It's always just been me and her against the world. But that was when I was a helpless little kid. Then I started growing up and we went through this bad period where we were always fighting. But we got through it, and now we have respect for each other, you know?"
"My dad actually respecting me?" says Jael. She winces as Britt's fingers catch a snarl. "I'm pretty sure that's never going to happen."
? ? ?
The next morning is October 16th, Jael Thompson's sixteenth birthday. She climbs out of bed and nearly trips over the pile of clothes on her floor. Not that she has many clothes. Not that she has much floor. In fact, between the twin bed, the dresser, and the desk with her ancient computer, there's just enough room to turn around.
She pulls out her school uniform from the pile of clean clothes: white blouse, a navy-blue plaid skirt, and these godawful knee-high navy-blue socks. She's supposed to pull the socks all the way up, but that itchy feeling on her shins drives her nuts, so she only does it when she has to. She's gone to Catholic schools all her life and she knows how to play the game.
She heads down the narrow metal spiral staircase to the bathroom on the main floor. The house used to be a one-bedroom ranch with a storage attic, but at some point the landlord converted the attic to a second bedroom. Her room is tiny and drafty, and it sucks to go down the twisting staircase in the middle of the night to pee, but she loves it anyway. Because when they moved to this house two years ago, she and her dad each got their own room for the first time.
Downstairs she checks her hair in the hallway mirror. The conditioning treatment Britt put in seemed to work last night, but her hair rallied overnight and came back crazier than ever this morning. She gives it a few halfhearted scrunches, then sighs and heads for the kitchen.
She pours herself a bowl of generic cereal. Her dad is convinced that it tastes as good as the brand-name stuff. Of course, he doesn't eat it. He's already at school, contemplating how best to bore the students of Our Lady of Mercy High School with obscure points of Church history. Next year, Jael will have to take his class, and she really can't imagine anything worse than that-except sharing a bedroom with him again. But the only reason she can afford to go to Mercy is because the children of faculty members don't pay tuition.
She sits down at the kitchen table and starts to slurp up the cereal, which has already turned to mush. Then she notices a yellow Post-it note stuck to the center of the table. In her dad's blocky, all-caps handwriting it reads COME HOME RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL. WE HAVE TO TALK.
Jael peels the note off the table and stares at it for a moment, fighting the hot, heavy feeling it creates in her stomach. She'll be damned if she's going to let this rattle her, today of all days.
"Oh yeah, and happy friggin' birthday, daughter," she says aloud. Then she crumples up the note, drops it into her soggy cereal, and dumps the whole mess into the sink.
? ? ?
Our Lady of Mercy High School looks like it belongs in some grimy, low-income neighborhood in New York or Boston rather than next to the cute, craftsman-style houses of northwest Seattle. Jael finds that kind of endearing. She doesn't really fit in either.
She crosses the school parking lot and weaves her way through the brand-new SUVs and sports cars owned by unappreciative, overprivileged students who will probably wreck their vehicles before they graduate. She pulls up the hood on her red sweatshirt and jams her hands into her pockets as a prickle of jealousy climbs up her throat. She turns sixteen today, and whatever the "We Have to Talk" note that her dad left is about, she's positive it's not "Let's Talk About Getting You a Car!"
Jael hops up the front steps and through the main doors. Then she hears "Miss Thompson!"
It's Father Aaron, the dean of discipline. He stands just inside the front door, where he stands every morning so he can glare at every student as they arrive at school. He's committed like that. The harsh fluorescent lights glare off his bald head. He takes a slow bite of an apple. As Jael listens to the crunching sounds, she notices little white flecks of apple bits trapped in his walrus mustache.
"Socks, Miss Thompson," he says.
"Yes, Father." She drops her bag on the floor and yanks up her socks to her knees with both hands.
"We want to present a ladylike appearance, don't we, Miss Thompson?" A few flecks of apple land on the floor next to Jael's black leather buckle shoes.
"You bet, Father," she says. "I strive for ladylike at all costs."
Father Aaron munches his apple and frowns at her for a moment, like he's debating whether to nail her for her snarky tone. He is not a fan of sarcasm. But then he just shakes his head and says, "Get to class."
"Yes, Father."
She picks up her bag and walks down the hallway past a long line of dark mahogany doors with frosted windows until she gets to her homeroom. Most of the students are already in their seats, scrambling to finish last night's homework, chatting with neighbors, or texting on their cell phones. Ms. Spielman, the geometry teacher, sits at her desk at the front of the class, shuffling through some quiz papers. Her long brown hair is shot through with streaks of gray, and she wears flowy earth-tone cottons and a bright purple scarf. It's that Earth Mother look that's so popular in Seattle. It can look frumpy, but Ms. Spielman somehow pulls it off.
Jael makes her way to her desk at the back of the classroom. As she sits down, she hears "Hey, Betty."
Rob McKinley has called her "Betty" practically since they met. He claims it's a term of endearment that skaters give girls.
"Hey, Rob," she says.
"Happy b-day," he says, giving her that crooked grin he does so well.
"Thanks." She almost mentions that he's the first person to wish her a happy birthday today, but decides that makes her sound truly pathetic.
"So," he says, "are you doing anything cool for your b-day?"
"Oh yeah," says Jael. "I'm having a pizza party. There will be a sack race, a water-balloon toss, and fabulous door prizes. Wanna come?"
"Uh…," he says, giving her a slightly baffled look. Rob is a total airhead skater boy, complete with blond bangs and an effortless sunny smile. In Jael's experience, those types are usually incapable of talking about anything other than sports or video games. But Rob is also some kind of math and science genius, and she hasn't figured out yet how skater boy and math wiz fit together.
"Joking, Rob," she says. "Just joking."
"I knew that," he says, a little defensively. "So what are you doing?"
"Nothing."
The PA system crackles.
"Good morning, students," Principal Dawson's voice announces over the speaker. Everyone calls him Principal Oz because the only time students see him is at graduation. The rest of the year he's just a scratchy, metallic voice over the PA. "Please stand and join me in prayer. Our Father, who art in Heaven…"
He drones on with the Our Father while everyone gets to their feet. His voice is barely audible over the squeak and groan of chairs, and he goes so fast that he's done by the time most people fold their hands. Everyone then switches to the Pledge of Allegiance.
"One reminder," the PA says after the Pledge is finished. "Don't forget that fifth period will be canceled tomorrow for All-School Mass. That is all. Thank you and have a good day."
Chairs and desks squeak and clank as everyone sits back down.
"Really, Bets," says Rob. "You should do something for your b-day."
Jael thinks about the "We Have to Talk" note again.
"Trust me," she says. "Doing nothing on my birthday is way better than some of the alternatives."
"Like?" he challenges.
"Like on my eighth birthday, when my dad put me in the car and told me we were moving from Tucson, Arizona, to Buffalo, New York. Immediately."
"Buffalo? Is that where you lived before you moved to Seattle?"
"No, I lived in London before I moved here."
"Got it. So were you born in Arizona, then?"
"No, I was born in Siberia."
"Okay, wait," says Rob. "So you were born in Siberia? And then you moved to Tucson, and then-"
"No, I lived a few other places before we moved to Tucson."
"A few?" Rob squints at her, like he just can't even conceive of it. "How many places have you lived?"
"You know," says Jael, "I've never really counted."
"Why did you move so much? Was your dad military or something?"
"He was a monk," Jael says.
"Um…" Rob rubs his temples. "I'm totally lost now."
"That's okay," says Jael. "I've pretty much been lost my whole life."
Rob grins at her. "So, okay, let me see if I've got this right. First, you-"
A voice cuts in. "Miss Thompson and Mr. McKinley." It's Ms. Spielman. "Whenever you're ready, we can begin geometry class."
"Sorry, Ms. Spielman," says Rob. "I got it. Lock and load."
And just like that, Rob is completely engrossed in the wonders of geometry. Like someone flipped the switch from chatty skater boy to math geek and now nothing exists but angles and algebra. Jael is always amazed at how he can change focus like that. It's irritating, sure, but there's something about it that she also finds impressive.
? ? ?
The buzzing fluorescent lights work their drowsy magic on Jael as Monsignor Francis Locke drones on about the life and times of Jesus. The Mons, as students refer to him, is a sweet old guy, more or less the exact opposite of Father Aaron. Jael isn't sure what someone has to do to go from "Father" to "Monsignor." She just knows it's some kind of honorary thing that the pope gives out. But even though the Mons is so nice and so holy, or maybe because he's so nice and holy, Jael also finds him incredibly boring.
"For Jesus had said to him," the Mons reads from the Bible, "'Come out of this man, you impure spirit!' Then Jesus asked him, 'What is your name?' "The Mons looks around the class with a slight smile on his face, as if to say, Oh boy, here comes my favorite part! Then he continues.
"'My name is Legion,' he replied, 'for we are many.' And he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.
"A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. The demons begged Jesus, 'Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them.' He gave them permission, and the impure spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned."
Jael keeps her face neutral, but internally she cringes. She'd rather listen to Ms. Spielman ramble on about the Pythagorean theorem or Ms. Randolph drone on about the periodic table than sit through this Bible stuff. Geometry and chemistry are kind of boring, but the religious stuff gets way too personal, especially passages like the one the Mons just read. She's begged her dad a bunch of times to let her go to public school. Seattle Public isn't that bad, and some of the magnet schools are really great. But he says she needs to be in an environment like this. Like taking medicine to prevent seizures. He's never said what he's afraid would happen if she didn't go to Catholic school. She's never had the guts to ask.
"Miss Thompson." The Mons's gentle voice breaks into her thoughts. "Why do you suppose that Jesus cast the demon into a herd of swine?"
"Uh… because the Jews don't eat pork anyway, so it wasn't really a waste for them?"
"Is that a question or a statement, my child?"
"It's a statement," she says.
"Then believe in what you say," he says. "Make it sound like a statement."
"Okay, Monsignor."
"And, as always, Miss Thompson, your answer is extremely insightful. The Jews do regard pigs as unclean animals. But when we discuss demons, the answers inevitably reach deeper than we first think. Consider this: We know by the name 'Legion' that there are many demons within this man. So the evil in a single human being fills two thousand of the most unclean animal. What might this suggest? Mr. Buchanan?"
"That a man is more evil than a pig?" asks Seamus Buchanan. Seamus looks like the ultimate redheaded Irish Catholic boy. He claims that he wants to be a priest someday. Jael can't understand why someone would tell people that, even if it's true.
"Indeed," says the Mons. "You are on the right track. Perhaps you are all too young to truly grasp this idea. During my time as a missionary in Peru, I often came face-to-face with the true darkness that lies within humanity. I had a small parish in a tiny neighborhood in Iquitos called Belen. An interesting place. Tropical storms caused the area to flood so frequently that the natives built their tiny houses on stilts. Half the year I had to use a rowboat to get to my home. But they were thankful for the flooding when it prevented the the Shining Path, a murderous band of the communist guerrillas, from reaching their homes during a raid."
He looks at them with his gentle gray eyes and it's the kind of sad wisdom that Jael has only seen before in movies.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Shining Path did terrible things to the people of Iquitos. Things no human should be capable of."
Jael tries to hold back. Her father has told her over and over again that she can't draw attention to herself like this. But…
"Monsignor, I don't get it," she blurts out. "Are you saying that the communist army was possessed by demons?"
"Very astute, Miss Thompson," says the Mons with a gentle smile. But then his face grows serious again. "Yes, I'm afraid it was nothing less than corruption from those most base and vile creatures." He scans the room gravely for a moment, then his smile breaks through again. "But take heart. The miracle of this passage in the Bible, and what I want to impress most upon you, is that with God's will, we can exorcise those horrible demons and send them back to the darkness from which they came."
It's hard to hear the sweet old Mons go on about this kind of stuff. But of course, like most people, he doesn't know the truth.
Jael's mother was a demon.
The Mons turns his kind old eyes back to Jael. "Does that make sense, Miss Thompson? Do you understand?"
"Yes, Monsignor," says Jael, putting on the poker face she's had eight years to perfect. "Demons are bad. Everybody knows that."
