Berin felt the ache of longing as he trekked along the route home to Delos, the only thing keeping him going, thoughts of his family-of Ceres. The thought of returning to his daughter was enough to make him press on, even though he'd found the days of walking tough, the roads beneath his feet rough with ruts and stones. His bones were not getting any younger, and already he could feel his knee aching from the journey, adding to the pains that came from a life of hammering and heating metal.
It was all worth it, though, to see home again, though. To see his family. All the time he'd been away, it was all Berin had wanted. He could picture it now. Marita would be cooking in the back of the humble wooden home, the scent of it wafting out past the front door. Sartes would be playing somewhere around the back, probably with Nasos watching him, even if his older son would be pretending that he wasn't.
And then there would be Ceres. He loved all his children, but with Ceres there had always been that extra connection. She had been the one to help out around his forge, the one who had taken after him most, and who seemed the most likely to follow in his footsteps. Leaving Marita and the boys had been a painful duty, necessary if he was to provide for his family. Leaving Ceres behind had felt as though he'd abandoned some part of himself when he left.
Now it was time to reclaim it.
Berin only wished he brought happier news. He walked along the gravel track that led back to their house, and he frowned; it wasn't winter yet, but it would be soon enough. The plan had been for him to leave and find work. Lords always needed bladesmiths to provide weapons for their guards, their wars, their Killings. Yet it turned out that they didn't need him. They had their own men. Younger, stronger men. Even the king who had seemed to want his work had turned out to want Berin as he had been ten years ago.
The thought hurt, yet he knew he should have guessed that they would have no need for a man with more gray in his beard than black.
It would have hurt more if it hadn't meant that he got to go home. Home was the thing that mattered for Berin, even when it was little more than a square of rough-sawn wooden walls, topped with a turf roof. Home was about the people waiting there, and the thought of them was enough to make him quicken his steps.
As he crested a hill, though, and the first view of it came, Bering knew that something was wrong. His stomach plunged. Berin knew what home felt like. For all the barrenness of the surrounding land, home was a place filled with life. There was always noise there, whether it was joyful or argumentative. At this time of year too, there would always have been at least a few crops growing in the plot around it, vegetables and small berry bushes, hardy things that always produced at least something to feed them.
That was not what he saw before him.
Berin broke into as much of a run then as he could manage after so long a walk, the sense of something wrong gnawing away at him, feeling like one of his vises clamped around his heart.
He reached the door and threw it wide. Maybe, he thought, everything would be all right. Maybe they had spotted him and were all just ensuring that his arrival would be a surprise.
It was dim inside, the windows crusted with grime. And there, a presence.
Marita stood in the main room, stirring a pot that smelled too sour to Berin. She turned toward him as he burst in, and as she did, Berin knew he'd been right. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.
"Marita?" he began.
"Husband." Even the flat way she said that told him that nothing was as it should be. Any other time he'd been away, Marita had thrown her arms around him as he'd come in the door. She'd always seemed full of life. Now, she seemed…empty.
"What's going on here?" Berin asked.
"I don't know what you mean." Again, there was less emotion than there should have been, as though something in his wife had broken, letting all the joy out of her.
"Why is everything around here so…so still?" Berin demanded. "Where are our children?"
"They aren't here right now," Marita said. She moved back to the pot as though everything was perfectly normal.
"Where are they, then?" Berin wasn't going to let it go. He could believe that the boys might have run down to the nearest stream or had errands to run, but one of his children at least would have seen him coming home and been there to meet him. "Where is Ceres?"
"Oh yes," Marita said, and Berin could hear the bitterness there now. "Of course you would ask after her. Not how things are with me. Not your sons. Her."
Berin had never heard his wife sound quite like this before. Oh, he'd always known there was something hard in Marita, more concerned for herself than for the rest of the world, but now it sounded as though her heart was ashes.
Marita seemed to calm down then, and the sheer speed with which she did it made it suspicious to Berin.
"You want to know what your precious daughter did?" she said. "She ran away."
Berin's apprehension deepened. He shook his head. "I don't believe that."
Marita kept going. "She ran away. Didn't say where she was going, just stole what she could from us when she left."
"We have no money to steal," Berin said. "And Ceres would never do that."
"Of course you'll take her side," Marita said. "But she took…things from around here, possessions. Anything she thought she could sell in the next town, knowing that girl. She abandoned us."
If that was what Marita thought, then Berin was sure she'd never really known her daughter. Or him, if she thought he would believe such an obvious lie. He took her shoulders in his hands, and even though he didn't possess all the strength he'd once had, Berin was still strong enough so that his wife felt fragile by comparison.
"Tell me the truth, Marita! What's happened here?" Berin shook her, as if somehow that might jolt the old version of her back into being, and she might suddenly return to being the Marita he'd married all those years before. All it did was make her pull away.
"Your boys are dead!" Marita yelled back. The words filled the small space of their home, coming out in a snarl. Her voice dropped. "That's what's happened. Our sons are dead."
The words hit Berin like a kick from a horse that didn't want shoeing. "No," he said. "It's another lie. It has to be."
He couldn't think of another thing Marita could have said that would have hurt as much. She had to be just saying this to hurt him.
"When did you decide that you hated me so much?" Berin asked, because that was the only reason he could think of that his wife would throw something so vile at him, using the idea of their sons' deaths as a weapon.
Now Berin could see tears in Marita's eyes. There hadn't been any when she'd been talking about their daughter supposedly running away.
"When you decided to abandon us," his wife snapped back. "When I had to watch Nasos die!"
"Just Nasos?" Berin said.
"Isn't that enough?" Marita shouted back. "Or don't you care about your sons?"
"A moment ago you said that Sartes was dead too," Berin said. "Stop lying to me, Marita!"
"Sartes is dead too," his wife insisted. "Soldiers came and took him. They dragged him off to be a part of the Empire's army, and he's just a boy. How long do you think he will survive as a part of that? No, both of my boys are gone, while Ceres…"
"What?" Berin demanded.
Marita just shook her head. "If you'd been here, it might not even have happened."
"You were here," Berin spat back, trembling all over. "That had been the point. You think I wanted to go? You were meant to look after them while I found the money for us to eat."
Despair gripped Berin then, and he could feel himself starting to weep, as he hadn't wept since he was a child. His oldest son was dead. For all the other lies Marita had come out with, that sounded like the truth. The loss left a hole that seemed to be impossible to fill, even with the grief and anger that were welling up inside him. He forced himself to focus on the others, because it seemed like the only way to stop it from overwhelming him.
"Soldiers took Sartes?" he asked. "Imperial soldiers?"
"You think I'm lying to you about that?" Marita asked.
"I don't know what to believe anymore," Berin replied. "You didn't even try to stop them?"
"They held a knife to my throat," Marita said. "I had to."
"You had to do what?" Berin asked.
Marita shook her head. "I had to call him outside. They would have killed me."
"So you gave him to them instead?"
"What do you think I could do?" Marita demanded. "You weren't here."
And Berin would probably feel guilty about that for as long as he lived. Marita was right. Maybe if he had been here, this wouldn't have happened. He'd gone off, looking to keep his family from starving, and while he'd been away, things had fallen apart. Feeling guilty didn't replace the grief or the anger, though. It only added to it. It bubbled inside Berin, feeling like something alive and fighting to get out.
"What about Ceres?" he demanded. He shook Marita again. "Tell me! The truth this time. What did you do?"
Marita just pulled away again though, and this time she sank down on her haunches on the floor, curling up and not even looking at him. "Find out for yourself. I've been the one who's had to live with this. Me, not you."
There was a part of Berin that wanted to keep shaking her until she gave him an answer. That wanted to force the truth from her, whatever it took. Yet he wasn't that kind of man, and knew he never could be. Even the thought of it disgusted him.
He didn't take anything from the house when he left. There wasn't anything he wanted there. As he looked back at Marita, so totally wrapped up in her own bitterness that she'd given up her son, tried to disguise what had happened to their children, it was hard to believe that there had ever been.
Berin stepped out into the open air, blinking away what was left of his tears. It was only when the brightness of the sun hit him that he realized he had no idea what he was going to do next. What could he do? There was no helping his oldest son, not now, while the others could be anywhere.
"That doesn't matter," Berin told himself. He could feel the determination within him turning into something like the iron he worked. "It won't stop me."
Perhaps someone nearby would have seen where they had gone. Certainly, someone would know where the army was, and Berin knew as well as anyone that a man who made blades could always find a way to get closer to the army.
As for Ceres…there would be something. She must be somewhere. Because the alternative was unthinkable.
Berin looked out over the countryside surrounding his home. Ceres was out there somewhere. So was Sartes. He said the next words aloud, because doing that seemed to turn it into a promise, to himself, to the world, to his children.
"I'll find you both," he vowed. "Whatever it takes."
