CLUB SNOBS
The misfortune which befell the simple and good-natured young Sackville, arose entirely from that abominable 'Sarcophagus Club;' and that he ever entered it was partly the fault of the present writer.
For seeing Mrs.Chuff, his mother-in-law, had a taste for the genteel--(indeed, her talk was all about Lord Collingwood, Lord Gambier, Sir Jahaleel Brenton, and the Gosport and Plymouth balls)--Wagley and I, according to our wont, trumped her conversation, and talked about Lords, Dukes, Marquises, and Baronets, as if those dignitaries were our familiar friends.
'Lord Sextonbury,' says I, 'seems to have recovered her ladyship's death.He and the Duke were very jolly over their wine at the "Sarcophagus" last night; weren't they, Wagley?'
'Good fellow, the Duke,' Wagley replied.'Pray, ma'am'
(to Mrs.Chuff), 'you who know the world and etiquette, will you tell me what a man ought to do in my case? Last June, his Grace, his son Lord Castlerampant, Tom Smith, and myself were dining at the Club, when I offered the odds against DADDYLONGLEGS for the Derby--forty to one, in sovereigns only.His Grace took the bet, and of course I won.He has never paid me.Now, can I ask such a great man for a sovereign?--One more lump of sugar, if you please, my dear madam.'
It was lucky Wagley gave her this opportunity to elude the question, for it prostrated the whole worthy family among whom we were.They telegraphed each other with wondering eyes.Mrs.Chuff's stories about the naval nobility grew quite faint and kind little Mrs.Sackville became uneasy, and went upstairs to look at the children--not at that young monster, Nelson Collingwood, who was sleeping off the whisky-and-water--but at a couple of little ones who had made their appearance at dessert, and of whom she and Sackville were the happy parents.
The end of this and subsequent meetings with Mr.Maine was, that we proposed and got him elected as a member of the 'Sarcophagus Club.'
It was not done without a deal of opposition--the secret having been whispered that the candidate was a coal-merchant.You may be sure some of the proud people and most of the parvenus of the Club were ready to blackball him.We combated this opposition sucessfully, however.
We pointed out to the parvenus that the Lambtons and the Stuarts sold coals: we mollified the proud by accounts of his good birth, good nature, and good behaviour; and Wagley went about on the day of election, describing with great eloquence, the action between the 'Pitchfork' and the 'Furibonde,' and the valour of Captain Maine, our friend's father.There was a slight mistake in the narrative; but we carried our man, with only a trifling sprinkling of black beans in the boxes: Byles's, of course, who blackballs everybody: and Bung's, who looks down upon a coal-merchant, having himself lately retired from the wine-trade.
Some fortnight afterwards I saw Sackville Maine under the following circumstances:--He was showing the Club to his family.He had 'brought them thither in the light-blue fly, waiting at the Club door; with Mrs.Chuff's hobbadehoy footboy on the box, by the side of the flyman, in a sham livery.Nelson Collingwood; pretty Mrs.Sackville; Mrs.Captain Chuff (Mrs.Commodore Chuff we call her), were all there; the latter, of course, in the vermilion tabinet, which, splendid as it is, is nothing in comparison to the splendour of the 'Sarcophagus.' The delighted Sackville Maine was pointing out the beauties of the place to them.
It seemed as beautiful as Paradise to that little party.
The 'Sarcophagus' displays every known variety of architecture and decoration.The great library is Elizabethan; the small library is pointed Gothic; the dining-room is severe Doric; the strangers' room has an Egyptian look; the drawing-rooms are Louis Quatorze (so called because the hideous ornanents displayed were used in the time of Louis Quinze); the CORTILE, or hall, is Morisco-Italian.It is all over marble, maplewood, looking-glasses, arabesques, ormolu, and scagliola.
