As I was walkin along, amoosin myself by stickin my penknife into the calves of the footmen who stood waitin by the swell-coaches (not one of whom howled with angwish), I was accosted by a man of about thirty-five summers, who said, "I have seen that face somewheres afore!"He was a little shabby in his wearin apparil.His coat was one of those black, shiny garments, which you can always tell have been burnished by adversity; but he was very gentlemanly.
"Was it in the Crimea, comrade? Yes, it was.It was at the stormin of Sebastopol, where I had a narrow escape from death, that we met."I said, "No, I wasn't at Sebastopol; I escaped a fatal wound by not bein there.It was a healthy old fortress," I added.
"It was.But it fell.It came down with a crash.""And plucky boys they was who brought her down," I added; "and hurrah for 'em!"The man graspt me warmly by the hand, and said he had been in America, Upper Canada, Africa, Asia Minor, and other towns, and he'd never met a man he liked as much as he did me.
"Let us," he added, "let us to the shrine of Bachus!"And he dragged me into a public house.I was determined to pay, so I said, "Mr.Bachus, giv this gen'l'man what he calls for."We conversed there in a very pleasant manner till my dinner-time arrove, when the agreeable gentleman insisted that I should dine with him."We'll have a banquet, Sir, fit for the gods!"I told him good plain vittles would soot me.If the gods wanted to have the dispepsy, they was welcome to it.
We had soop and fish, and a hot jint, and growsis, and wines of rare and costly vintige.We had ices, and we had froots from Greenland's icy mountins and Injy's coral strands; and when the sumptoous reparst was over, the agree'ble man said he'd unfortnitly left his pocket-book at home on the marble centre-table.
"But, by Jove!" he said, "it was a feast fit for the gods!"I said, "Oh, never mind," and drew out my puss; tho' I in'ardly wished the gods, as the dinner was fit for 'em, was there to pay for it.
I come of a very clever fam'ly.
The agree'ble gentleman then said, "Now, I will show you our Club.It dates back to the time of William the Conquerer.""Did Bill belong to it?" I inquired.
"He did."
"Wall," I said, "if Billy was one of 'em, I need no other endorsement as to its respectfulness, and I'll go with you, my gay trooper boy!" And we went off arm-in-arm.
On the way the agree'ble man told me that the Club was called the Sloshers.He said I would notice that none of 'em appeared in evenin dress.He said it was agin the rools of the club.In fack, if any member appeared there in evenin dress he'd be instantly expeld."And yit," he added, "there's geneyus there, and lorfty emotions, and intelleck.You'll be surprised at the quantities of intelleck you'll see there."We reached the Sloshers in due time, and I must say they was a shaky-looking lot, and the public house where they convened was certingly none of the best.
The Sloshers crowded round me, and said I was welcome.
"What a beautiful brest-pin you've got," said one of 'em.
"Permit me," and he took it out of my neckercher."Isn't it luvly," he said, parsin it to another, who parsed it to another.
It was given me by my Aunt, on my promisin her I'd never swear profanely; and I never have, except on very special occasions.Isee that beautiful boosum pin a parsin from one Slosher to another, and I'm reminded of them sad words of the poit, "parsin away! parsin away!" I never saw it no more.
Then in comes a athletic female, who no sooner sees me than she utters a wild yell, and cries:
"At larst! at larst! My Wilyim, from the seas!"I said, "not at all, Marm.Not on no account.I have heard the boatswain pipe to quarters--but a voice in my heart didn't whisper Seu-zan! I've belayed the marlin-spikes on the upper jibpoop, but Seu-zan's eye wasn't on me, much.Young woman, Iam not you're Saler boy.Far different.""Oh yes, you are!" she howled, seizin me round the neck."Oh, how I've lookt forwards to this meetin!""And you'll presently," I said, "have a opportunity of lookin backwards to it, because I'm on the point of leavin this institution."I will here observe that I come of a very clever family.A very clever fam'ly, indeed.
"Where," I cried, as I struggled in vain to release myself from the eccentric female's claws, "where is the Capting--the man who was into the Crimea, amidst the cannon's thunder? I want him."He came forward, and cried, "What do I see? Me Sister! me sweet Adulaide! and in teers! Willin!" he screamed, "and you're the serpent I took to my boosum, and borrowed money of, and went round with, and was cheerful with, are you?--You ought to be ashamed of yourself."Somehow my coat was jerked off, the brest-pocket of which contained my pocket-book, and it parsed away like the brest pin.
Then they sorter quietly hustled me into the street.
It was about 12 at night when I reached the Green Lion.
"Ha! ha! you sly old rascal, you've been up to larks!" said the lan'lord, larfin loudly, and digging his fist into my ribs.
I said, "Bigsby, if you do that agin, I shall hit you! Much as Irespect you and your excellent faml'y, I shall disfiger your beneverlent countenance for life!""What has ruffled your spirits, friend?" said the lan'lord.
"My spirits has been ruffled," I ansered in a bittur voice, "by a viper who was into the Crimea.What good was it," I cried, "for Sebastopol to fall down without enwelopin in its ruins that viper?"I then went to bed.I come of a very clever fam'ly.
Artemus Ward.
5.6.THE TOWER OF LONDON.
MR.PUNCH, My dear Sir,--I skurcely need inform you that your excellent Tower is very pop'lar with peple from the agricultooral districks, and it was chiefly them class which I found waitin at the gates the other mornin.
I saw at once that the Tower was established on a firm basis.In the entire history of firm basisis I don't find a basis more firmer than this one.
"You have no Tower in America?" said a man in the crowd, who had somehow detected my denomination.
