Only a few weeks ago I was exhibitin in East Skowhegan, in a b'ildin which had form'ly bin ockepyied by a pugylist--one of them fellers which hits from the shoulder, and teaches the manly art of self defens.And he cum and said he was goin in free, in consekence of previ'sly ockepyin sed b'ildin, with a large yeller dog.I sed, "To be sure, sir, but not with those yeller dogs." He sed, "Oh, yes."I sed, "Oh, no." He sed, "Do you want to be ground to powder?" Ised, "Yes, I do, if there is a powder-grindist handy." When he struck me a disgustin blow in my left eye, which caused that concern to at once close for repairs; but he didn't hurt me any more.Iwent for him.I went for him energet'cally.His parents live near by, and I will simply state that 15 minits after I'd gone for him, his mother, seein the prostrate form of her son approachin the house on to a shutter carrid by four men, run out doors, keerfully looked him over, and sed, "My son, you've been foolin round a thrashin masheen.You went in at the end where they put the grain in, come out with the straw, and then got up in the thingumajig and let the hosses tred on you, didn't you, my son?"You can jedge by this what a disagreeable person I am when I'm angry.
But to resoom about helth.I cum of a helthy fam'ly.
The Wards has allus been noted for helthiness.
The fust of my ancestors that I know anything about was Abijah Ward and his wife, Abygil Ward who came over with the Pilgrims in the "Mayflower." Most of the Pilgrims was sick on the passige, but my ancestor wasn't.Even when the tempist raged and the billers howled, he sold another Pilgrim a kag of apple sass.The Pilgrim who bo't it was angry when he found that under a few layers of sass the rest was sawdust, and my ancestor sed he wouldn't have b'leeved such wickedness could exist, when he ascertained that the bill sed Pilgrim gave him was onto a broken bank, and wasn't wuth the price of a glass of new gin.It will be thus seen that my fust ancestor had a commercial mind.
My ancestors has all bin helthy people, tho' their pursoots in life has been vari's.
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7.15.A FRAGMENT.
[Among the papers, letters and miscellanea left on the table of poor Ward was found the fragment which follows.Diligent search failed to discover any beginning or end to it.The probability is that it consists of part of a paper intended to describe a comic trip round England.To write a comic itinerary of an English tour was one of the author's favorite ideas; and another favorite one was to travel on the Continent and compile a comic "Murray's Guide." No interest attaches to this mere scrap other than that it exemplifies what the writer would have attempted had his life been longer.]
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At North Berwick there was a maniacal stampede toward the little house by the railside, where they sell such immense quantities of sponge-cake, which is very sweet and very yellow, but which lies rather more heavily on the stomach than raw turnips, as Iascertained one day from actual experience.This is not stated because I have any spite against this little house by the railside.
Their mince-pies are nobly made, and their apple-pies are unsurpassed.Some years ago there used to be a very pretty girl at this house, and one day, while I was struggling rapidly with a piece of mince-pie, I was so unfortunate as to wink slightly at her.The rash act was discovered by a yellow-haired party, who stated that she was to be his wife ere long, and that he "expected" he could lick any party who winked at her.A cursory examination of his frame convinced me that he could lick me with disgustin ease, so Itold him it was a complaint of the eyes."They are both so," Iadded, "and they have been so from infancy's hour.See here!" And I commenced winking in a frightful manner.I escaped, but it was inconvenient for me for some time afterwards, because whenever Ipassed over the road I naturally visited the refreshment house, and was compelled to wink in a manner which took away the appetites of other travellers, and one day caused a very old lady to state, with her mouth full of sponge-cake, that she had cripples and drunkards in her family, but thanks to the heavens above, no idiots without any control over their eyes, looking sternly at me as she spoke.
That was years ago.Besides, the wink was a pure accident.I trust that my unblemished character--but I will not detain you further with this sad affair.
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There have been several editions of the Works of Artemus Ward.
The Following appeared in THE COMPLETE WORKS OF ARTEMUS WARD, A New Impression; Chatto & Windus, London 1922Additional short pieces by A.Ward.
7.16.BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES.
7.17.A.WARD'S FIRST UMBRELLA.
7.18.AN AFFECTING POEM.
7.19.MORMON BILL OF FARE.
A comtemporary review 7.20."THE BABES IN THE WOOD."Spurious pieces 7.21.MR.WARD ATTENDS A GRAFFICK (SOIREE.)7.22.A.WARD AMONG THE MORMONS.--REPORTED BY HIMSELF--OR SOMEBODY ELSE.
7.16.BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES.
Frends and Feller Passingers.--I'm e'en a most tiard ov statin my convicshuns regarden them Mormoness plooralyties, which sits theirselves round Mister Yung's grate table when the dinner-bell booms merryly thruout the long and short ov this ere land.
Heavy figgerin isn't my berthrite; it's the nobil contemplativ what's the pecoolar offshute of these massiv brane.
"But how many wives has he?"
Wall, all A.W.nose abowt it is thet his luvly contemplativ wun day used up the MulteplyKashun tabul in kountin the long Stockins on a close line in Brigham's back yard--and he soddingly had to leave, fer the site made him dizzy.It was too mutch for him.
-- Yures abstractid, WARTEMUS DARD.
7.17.A.WARD'S FIRST UMBRELLA.
[A friend of Artemus Ward's sends the following, with the request that it may be included in the present edition.]
The solumncholies hev bin on-to A.W.now and agin, as it dus to most ov the four-lorned human naturs in this Vayl of Tares.She's tickled me considerabull sumtims--only it was the wrong wa.Most human naturs git tickled the wrong wa sumtims.
