I'm holding the closing exercises,' says he, 'of a forty-eight-hour fast.'
"The second night he was on the job he walks down from his corner to the cigar-case and calls for cigarettes.The customers at the tables all snicker out loud to show their acquaintance with history.The boss is on.
"'An'--let's see--oh, yes--'An anachronism,' says the boss.
'Cigarettes was not made at the time when halberdiers was invented.'
"'The ones you sell was,' says Sir Percival.'Caporal wins from chronology by the length of a cork tip.' So he gets 'em and lights one, and puts the box in his brass helmet, and goes back to patroling the Rindslosh.
"He made a big hit, 'specially with the ladies.Some of 'em would poke him with their fingers to see if he was real or only a kind of a stuffed figure like they burn in elegy.And when he'd move they'd squeak, and make eyes at him as they went up to the slosh.He looked fine in his halberdashery.He slept at $2 a week in a hall-room on Third Avenue.He invited me up there one night.He had a little book on the washstand that he read instead of shopping in the saloons after hours.'I'm on to that,' says I, 'from reading about it in novels.All the heroes on the bum carry the little book.It's either Tantalus or Liver or Horace, and its printed in Latin, and you're a college man.
And I wouldn't be surprised,' says I, 'if you wasn't educated, too.'
But it was only the batting averages of the League for the last ten years.
"One night, about half past eleven, there comes in a party of these high-rollers that are always hunting up new places to eat in and poke fun at.There was a swell girl in a 40 H.-P.auto tan coat and veil, and a fat old man with white side-whiskers, and a young chap that couldn't keep his feet off the tail of the girl's coat, and an oldish lady that looked upon life as immoral and unnecessary.'How perfectly delightful,' they says, 'to sup in a slosh.' Up the stairs they go;
and in half a minute back down comes the girl, her skirts swishing like the waves on the beach.She stops on the landing and looks our halberdier in the eye.
"'You!' she says, with a smile that reminded me of lemon sherbet.I was waiting up-stairs in the slosh, then, and I was right down here by the door, putting some vinegar and cayenne into an empty bottle of tabasco, and I heard all they said.
"'It,' says Sir Percival, without moving.'I'm only local colour.Are my hauberk, helmet, and halberd on straight?'
"'Is there an explanation to this?' says she.'Is it a practical joke such as men play in those Griddle-cake and Lamb Clubs? I'm afraid I don't see the point.I heard, vaguely, that you were away.For three months I--we have not seen you or heard from you.'
"'I'm halberdiering for my living,' says the stature.'I'm working,'
says he.'I don't suppose you know what work means.'
"'Have you--have you lost your money?' she asks.
"Sir Percival studies a minute.
"'I am poorer,' says he, 'than the poorest sandwich man on the streets --if I don't earn my living.'
"'You call this work?' says she.'I thought a man worked with his hands or his head instead of becoming a mountebank.'
"'The calling of a halberdier,' says he, 'is an ancient and honourable one.Sometimes,' says he, 'the man-at-arms at the door has saved the castle while the plumed knights were cake-walking in the banquet-halls above.'
"'I see you're not ashamed,' says she, 'of your peculiar tastes.I wonder, though, that the manhood I used to think I saw in you didn't prompt you to draw water or hew wood instead of publicly flaunting your ignominy in this disgraceful masquerade.'
"Sir Percival kind of rattles his armour and says: 'Helen, will you suspend sentence in this matter for just a little while? You don't understand,' says he.'I've got to hold this job down a little longer.'
"'You like being a harlequin--or halberdier, as you call it?' says she.
"'I wouldn't get thrown of the job just now,' says he, with a grin, 'to be appointed Minister to the Court of St.James's.'
"And then the 40-H.P.girl's eyes sparked as hard as diamonds.
"'Very well,' says she.'You shall have full run of your serving-man's tastes this night.' And she swims over to the boss's desk and gives him a smile that knocks the specks off his nose.
"'I think your Rindslosh,' says she, 'is as beautiful as a dream.It is a little slice of the Old World set down in New York.We shall have a nice supper up there; but if you will grant us one favour the illusion will be perfect--give us your halberdier to wait on our table.'
"That hits the boss's antiology hobby just right.'Sure,' says he, 'dot vill be fine.Und der orchestra shall blay "Die Wacht am Rhein"
all der time.' And he goes over and tells the halberdier to go upstairs and hustle the grub at the swells' table.
"'I'm on the job,' says Sir Percival, taking off his helmet and hanging it on his halberd and leaning 'em in the corner.The girl goes up and takes her seat and I see her jaw squared tight under her smile.
'We're going to be waited on by a real halberdier,' says she, 'one who is proud of his profession.Isn't it sweet?'
"'Ripping,' says the swell young man.'Much prefer a waiter,' says the fat old gent.'I hope he doesn't come from a cheap museum,' says the old lady; 'he might have microbes in his costume.'
"Before he goes to the table, Sir Percival takes me by the arm.
'Eighteen,' he says, 'I've got to pull off this job without a blunder.
You coach me straight or I'll take that halberd and make hash out of you.' And then he goes up to the table with his coat of mail on and a napkin over his arm and waits for the order.
"'Why, it's Deering!' says the young swell.'Hello, old man.What the--'
"'Beg pardon, sir,' interrupts the halberdier, 'I'm waiting on the table.'
"The old man looks at him grim, like a Boston bull.'So, Deering,' he says, 'you're at work yet.'
"'Yes, sir,' says Sir Percival, quiet and gentlemanly as I could have been myself, 'for almost three months, now.' 'You haven't been discharged during the time?' asks the old man.'Not once, sir,' says he, 'though I've had to change my work several times.'
