Sweetheart,I too am free!And I am the first too,unless you have written to Blois,at our sweet tryst of letter-writing.
Raise those great black eyes of yours,fixed on my opening sentence,and keep this excitement for the letter which shall tell you of my first love.By the way,why always "first?"Is there,I wonder,a second love?
Don't go running on like this,you will say,but tell me rather how you made your escape from the convent where you were to take your vows.Well,dear,I don't know about the Carmelites,but the miracle of my own deliverance was,I can assure you,most humdrum.The cries of an alarmed conscience triumphed over the dictates of a stern policy --there's the whole mystery.The sombre melancholy which seized me after you left hastened the happy climax,my aunt did not want to see me die of a decline,and my mother,whose one unfailing cure for my malady was a novitiate,gave way before her.
So I am in Paris,thanks to you,my love!Dear Renee,could you have seen me the day I found myself parted from you,well might you have gloried in the deep impression you had made on so youthful a bosom.We had lived so constantly together,sharing our dreams and letting our fancy roam together,that I verily believe our souls had become welded together,like those two Hungarian girls,whose death we heard about from M.Beauvisage--poor misnamed being!Never surely was man better cut out by nature for the post of convent physician!
Tell me,did you not droop and sicken with your darling?
In my gloomy depression,I could do nothing but count over the ties which bind us.But it seemed as though distance had loosened them;Iwearied of life,like a turtle-dove widowed of her mate.Death smiled sweetly on me,and I was proceeding quietly to die.To be at Blois,at the Carmelites,consumed by dread of having to take my vows there,a Mlle.de la Valliere,but without her prelude,and without my Renee!
How could I not be sick--sick unto death?
How different it used to be!That monotonous existence,where every hour brings its duty,its prayer,its task,with such desperate regularity that you can tell what a Carmelite sister is doing in any place,at any hour of the night or day;that deadly dull routine,which crushes out all interest in one's surroundings,had become for us two a world of life and movement.Imagination had thrown open her fairy realms,and in these our spirits ranged at will,each in turn serving as magic steed to the other,the more alert quickening the drowsy;the world from which our bodies were shut out became the playground of our fancy,which reveled there in frolicsome adventure.
The very /Lives of the Saints/helped us to understand what was so carefully left unsaid!But the day when I was reft of your sweet company,I became a true Carmelite,such as they appeared to us,a modern Danaid,who,instead of trying to fill a bottomless barrel,draws every day,from Heaven knows what deep,an empty pitcher,thinking to find it full.
My aunt knew nothing of this inner life.How could she,who has made a paradise for herself within the two acres of her convent,understand my revolt against life?A religious life,if embraced by girls of our age,demands either an extreme simplicity of soul,such as we,sweetheart,do not possess,or else an ardor for self-sacrifice like that which makes my aunt so noble a character.But she sacrificed herself for a brother to whom she was devoted;to do the same for an unknown person or an idea is surely more than can be asked of mortals.
For the last fortnight I have been gulping down so many reckless words,burying so many reflections in my bosom,and accumulating such a store of things to tell,fit for your ear alone,that I should certainly have been suffocated but for the resource of letter-writing as a sorry substitute for our beloved talks.How hungry one's heart gets!I am beginning my journal this morning,and I picture to myself that yours is already started,and that,in a few days,I shall be at home in your beautiful Gemenos valley,which I know only through your deions,just as you will live that Paris life,revealed to you hitherto only in our dreams.
Well,then,sweet child,know that on a certain morning--a red-letter day in my life--there arrived from Paris a lady companion and Philippe,the last remaining of my grandmother's valets,charged to carry me off.When my aunt summoned me to her room and told me the news,I could not speak for joy,and only gazed at her stupidly.
"My child,"she said,in her guttural voice,"I can see that you leave me without regret,but this farewell is not the last;we shall meet again.God has placed on your forehead the sign of the elect.You have the pride which leads to heaven or to hell,but your nature is too noble to choose the downward path.I know you better than you know yourself;with you,passion,I can see,will be very different from what it is with most women."She drew me gently to her and kissed my forehead.The kiss made my flesh creep,for it burned with that consuming fire which eats away her life,which has turned to black the azure of her eyes,and softened the lines about them,has furrowed the warm ivory of her temples,and cast a sallow tinge over the beautiful face.
Before replying,I kissed her hands.
"Dear aunt,"I said,"I shall never forget your kindness;and if it has not made your nunnery all that it ought to be for my health of body and soul,you may be sure nothing short of a broken heart will bring me back again--and that you would not wish for me.You will not see me here again till my royal lover has deserted me,and I warn you that if I catch him,death alone shall tear him from me.I fear no Montespan."She smiled and said:
"Go,madcap,and take your idle fancies with you.There is certainly more of the bold Montespan in you than of the gentle la Valliere."I threw my arms round her.The poor lady could not refrain from escorting me to the carriage.There her tender gaze was divided between me and the armorial bearings.
