How then may hope be wholly eradicated from the heart of man? My fortitude, after some time, began to revive; I glowed with the desire of convincing the world I was capable of suffering what man had never suffered before; perhaps of at last emerging from this load of wretchedness triumphant over my enemies. So long and ardently did my fancy dwell on this picture, that my mind at length acquired a heroism which Socrates himself certainly never possessed.
Age had benumbed his sense of pleasure, and he drank the poisonous draught with cool indifference; but I was young, inured to high hopes, yet now beholding deliverance impossible, or at an immense, a dreadful distance. Such, too, were the other sufferings of soul and body, I could not hope they might be supported and live.
About noon my den was opened. Sorrow and compassion were painted on the countenances of my keepers. No one spoke; no one bade me good morrow. Dreadful indeed was their arrival; for, unaccustomed to the monstrous bolts and bars, they were kept resounding for a full half-hour before such soul-chilling, such hope-murdering impediments were removed. It was the voice of tyranny that thundered.
My night-table was taken out, a camp-bed, mattress, and blankets were brought me; a jug of water set down, and beside it an ammunition loaf of six pounds' weight. "That you may no more complain of hunger," said the town-major, "you shall have as much bread as you can eat." The door was shut, and I again left to my thoughts.
What a strange thing is that called happiness! How shall I express my extreme joy when, after eleven months of intolerable hunger, Iwas again indulged with a full feast of coarse ammunition bread?
The fond lover never rushed more eagerly to the arias of his expecting bride, the famished tiger more ravenously on his prey, than I upon this loaf. I ate, rested; surveyed the precious morsel;ate again; and absolutely shed tears of pleasure. Breaking bit after bit, I had by evening devoured all my loaf.
Oh, Nature! what delight hast thou combined with the gratification of thy wants! Remember this, ye who gorge, ye who rack invention to excite appetite, and yet which you cannot procure! Remember how simple are the means that will give a crust of mouldy bread a flavour more exquisite than all the spices of the East, or all the profusion of land or sea! Remember this, grow hungry, and indulge your sensuality.
Alas! my enjoyment was of short duration. I soon found that excess is followed by pain and repentance. My fasting had weakened digestion, and rendered it inactive. My body swelled, my water-jug was emptied; cramps, colics, and at length inordinate thirst racked me all the night. I began to pour curses on those who seemed to refine on torture, and, after starving me so long, to invite me to gluttony. Could I not have reclined on my bed, I should indeed have been driven, this night, to desperation; yet even this was but a partial relief; for, not yet accustomed to my enormous fetters, Icould not extend myself in the same manner I was afterwards taught to do by habit. I dragged them, however, so together as to enable me to sit down on the bare mattress. This, of all my nights of suffering, stands foremost. When they opened my dungeon next day they found me in a truly pitiable situation, wondered at my appetite, brought me another loaf; I refused to accept it, believing I nevermore should have occasion for bread; they, however, left me one, gave me water, shrugged up their shoulders, wished me farewell, as, according to all appearance, they never expected to find me alive, and shut all the doors, without asking whether I wished or needed further assistance.
Three days had passed before I could again eat a morsel of bread;and my mind, brave in health, now in a sick body became pusillanimous, so that I determined on death. The irons, everywhere round my body, and their weight, were insupportable; nor could Iimagine it was possible I should habituate myself to them, or endure them long enough to expect deliverance. Peace was a very distant prospect. The King had commanded that such a prison should be built as should exclude all necessity of a sentinel, in order that I might not converse with and seduce them from what is called their duty: and, in the first days of despair, deliverance appeared impossible;and the fetters, the war, the pain I felt, the place, the length of time, each circumstance seemed equally impossible to support. Athousand reasons convinced me it was necessary to end my sufferings.
I shall not enter into theological disputes: let those who blame me imagine themselves in my situation; or rather let them first actually endure my miseries, and then let them reason. I had often braved death in prosperity, and at this moment it seemed a blessing.
Full of these meditations, every minute's patience appeared absurdity, and resolution meanness of soul; yet I wished my mind should be satisfied that reason, and not rashness, had induced the act. I therefore determined, that I might examine the question coolly, to wait a week longer, and die on the fourth of July. In the meantime I revolved in my mind what possible means there were of escape, not fearing, naked and chained, to rush and expire on the bayonets of my enemies.
The next day I observed, as the four doors were opened, that they were only of wood, therefore questioned whether I might not even cut off the locks with the knife that I had so fortunately concealed: and should this and every other means fail, then would be the time to die. I likewise determined to make an attempt to free myself of my chains. I happily forced my right hand through the handcuff, though the blood trickled from my nails. My attempts on the left were long ineffectual; but by rubbing with a brick, which I got from my seat, on the rivet that had been negligently closed, I effected this also.
