Before he went away, Nimrod instructed Owen and Crass to go to the yard at once: they would there find Payne the carpenter, who was making Philpot's coffin, which would be ready for Crass to varnish by the time they got there.
Misery told Owen that he had left the coffin plate and the instructions with Payne and added that he was not to take too much time over the writing, because it was a very cheap job.
When they arrived at the yard, Payne was just finishing the coffin, which was of elm.All that remained to be done to it was the pitching of the joints inside and Payne was in the act of lifting the pot of boiling pitch off the fire to do this.
As it was such a cheap job, there was no time to polish it properly, so Crass proceeded to give it a couple of coats of spirit varnish, and while he was doing this Owen wrote the plate, which was made of very thin zinc lacquered over to make it look like brass:
JOSEPH PHILPOT
Died September 1st 19--
Aged 56 years.
The inquest was held on the following Monday morning, and as both Rushton and Hunter thought it possible that Barrington might attempt to impute some blame to them, they had worked the oracle and had contrived to have several friends of their own put on the jury.There was, however, no need for their alarm, because Barrington could not say that he had himself noticed, or called Hunter's attention to the state of the rope; and he did not wish to mention the names of the others without their permission.The evidence of Crass and the other men who were called was to the effect that it was a pure accident.
None of them had noticed that the rope was unsound.Hunter also swore that he did not know of it - none of the men had ever called his attention to it; if they had done so he would have procured a new one immediately.
Philpot's landlady and Mr Rushton were also called as witnesses, and the end was that the jury returned a verdict of accidental death, and added that they did not think any blame attached to anyone.
The coroner discharged the jury, and as they and the witnesses passed out of the room, Hunter followed Rushton outside, with the hope of being honoured by a little conversation with him on the satisfactory issue of the case; but Rushton went off without taking any notice of him, so Hunter returned to the room where the court had been held to get the coroner's certificate authorizing the interment of the body.
This document is usually handed to the friends of the deceased or to the undertaker acting for them.When Hunter got back to the room he found that during his absence the coroner had given it to Philpot's landlady, who had taken it with her.He accordingly hastened outside again to ask her for it, but the woman was nowhere to be seen.
Crass and the other men were also gone; they had hurried off to return to work, and after a moment's hesitation Hunter decided that it did not matter much about the certificate.Crass had arranged the business with the landlady and he could get the paper from her later on.Having come to this conclusion, he dismissed the subject from his mind: he had several prices to work out that afternoon - estimates from some jobs the firm was going to tender for.
That evening, after having been home to tea, Crass and Sawkins met by appointment at the carpenter's shop to take the coffin to the mortuary, where Misery had arranged to meet them at half past eight o'clock.Hunter's plan was to have the funeral take place from the mortuary, which was only about a quarter of an hour's walk from the yard; so tonight they were just going to lift in the body and get the lid screwed down.
It was blowing hard and raining heavily when Crass and Sawkins set out, carrying the coffin - covered with a black cloth - on their shoulders.They also took a small pair of tressels for the coffin to stand on.Crass carried one of these slung over his arm and Sawkins the other.
On their way they had to pass the `Cricketers' and the place looked so inviting that they decided to stop and have a drink - just to keep the damp out, and as they could not very well take the coffin inside with them, they stood it up against the brick wall a little way from the side of the door: as Crass remarked with a laugh, there was not much danger of anyone pinching it.The Old Dear served them and just as they finished drinking the two half-pints there was a loud crash outside and Crass and Sawkins rushed out and found that the coffin had blown down and was lying bottom upwards across the pavement, while the black cloth that had been wrapped round it was out in the middle of the muddy road.Having recovered this, they shook as much of the dirt off as they could, and having wrapped it round the coffin again they resumed their journey to the mortuary, where they found Hunter waiting for them, engaged in earnest conversation with the keeper.The electric light was switched on, and as Crass and Sawkins came in they saw that the marble slab was empty.
The corpse was gone.
`Snatchum came this afternoon with a hand-truck and a corfin,'
explained the keeper.`I was out at the time, and the missis thought it was all right so she let him have the key.'
Hunter and Crass looked blankly at each other.
`Well, this takes the biskit!' said the latter as soon as he could speak.
`I thought you said you had settled everything all right with the old woman?' said Hunter.
`So I did,' replied Crass.`I seen 'er on Friday, and I told 'er to leave it all to me to attend to, and she said she would.I told 'er that Philpot said to me that if ever anything 'appened to 'im I was to take charge of everything for 'er, because I was 'is best friend.And I told 'er we'd do it as cheap as possible.'
`Well, it seems to me as you've bungled it somehow,' said Nimrod, gloomily.`I ought to have gone and seen 'er myself, I was afraid you'd make a mess of it,' he added in a wailing tone.`It's always the same; everything that I don't attend to myself goes wrong.'
