You may possibly wonder why all this was not told you last night.But I was not then master enough of myself to know what could or ought to be revealed.For the truth of every thing here related,I can appeal more particu larly to the testimony of Colonel Fitzwilliam,who from our near relationship and constant intimacy,and still more as one of the executors of my father's will,has been unavoidably acquainted with every particular of these transactions.If your abhorrence of me should make my assertions valueless,you cannot be prevented by the same cause from confiding in my cousin;and that there may be the possibility of consulting him,I shall endeavour to find some opportunity of putting this letter in your hands in the course of the morning.I will only add,God bless you.
Fitzwilliam Darcy.
Chapter 36
If Elizabeth,when Mr Darcy gave her the letter,did not expect it to contain a renewal of his offers,she had formed no expectation at all of its contents.But such as they were,it may be well supposed how eagerly she went through them,and what a contrariety of emotion they excited.Her feelings as she read were scarcely to be defined.With amazement did she first understand that he believed any apology to be in his power;and steadfastly was she persuaded that he could have no explanation to give,which a just sense of shame would not conceal.With a strong prejudice against every thing he might say,she began his account of what had happened at Netherfield.She read,with an eagerness which hardly left her power of comprehension,and from impatience of knowing what the next sentence might bring,was incapable of attending to the sense of the one before her eyes.His belief of her sister's insensibility,she instantly resolved to be false,and his account of the real,the worst objections to the match,made her too angry to have any wish of doing him justice.He expressed no regret for what he had done which satisfied her;his style was not penitent,but haughty.It was all pride and insolence.
But when this subject was succeeded by his account of Mr Wickham,when she read,with somewhat clearer attention,a relation of events which,if true,must overthrow every cherished opinion of his worth,and which bore so alarming an affinity to his own history of himself,her feelings were yet more acutely painful and more difficult of definition.Astonishment,apprehension,and even horror,oppressed her.She wished to discredit it entirely,repeatedly exclaiming,‘This must be false!This cannot be!This must be the grossest falsehood!’-and when she had gone through the whole letter,though scarcely knowing any thing of the last page or two,put it hastily away,protesting that she would not regard it,that she would never look in it again.
In this perturbed state of mind,with thoughts that could rest on nothing,she walked on;but it would not do;in half a minute the letter was unfolded again,and collecting herself as well as she could,she again began the mortifying perusal of all that related to Wickham,and commanded herself so far as to examine the meaning of every sentence.The account of his connexion with the Pemberley family was exactly what he had related himself;and the kindness of the late Mr Darcy,though she had not before known its extent,agreed equally well with his own words.So far each recital confirmed the other;but when she came to the will,the difference was great.What Wickham had said of the living was fresh in her memory,and as she recalled his very words,it was impossible not to feel that there was gross duplicity on one side or the other;and,for a few moments,she flattered herself that her wishes did not err.But when she read,and re read with the closest attention,the particulars immediately following of Wickham's resigning all pretensions to the living,of his receiving,in lieu,so considerable a sum as three thousand pounds,again was she forced to hesitate.She put down the letter,weighed every circumstance with what she meant to be impartiality-deliberated on the probability of each statement-but with little success.On both sides it was only assertion.Again she read on.But every line proved more clearly that the affair,which she had believed it impossible that any contrivance could so represent as to render Mr Darcy's conduct in it less than infamous,was capable of a turn which must make him entirely blameless throughout the whole.
