‘No;considering our situation,it was not strange.Our first care has been to keep the matter secret.-You knew nothing of me or my family,and therefore there could be no occasion for ever mentioning my name to you;and as he was always particularly afraid of his sister's suspecting anything,that was reason enough for his not mentioning it.’
She was silent.Elinor's security sunk;but her self-command did not sink with it.
‘Four years you have been engaged,’said she with a firm voice.
‘Yes;and heaven knows how much longer we may have to wait.Poor Edward!It puts him quite out of heart.’Then taking a small miniature from her pocket,she added,‘To prevent the possibility of mistake,be so good as to look at this face.It does not do him justice,to be sure,but yet I think you cannot be deceived as to the person it was drew for.I have had it above these three years.’
She put it into her hands as she spoke,and when Elinor saw the painting,whatever other doubts her fear of a too hasty decision or her wish of detecting falsehood might suffer to linger in her mind,she could have none of its being Edward's face.She returned it almost instantly,acknowledging the likeness.
‘I have never been able,’continued Lucy,‘to give him my picture in return,which I am very much vexed at,for he has been always so anxious to get it!But I am determined to set for it the very first opportunity.’
‘You are quite in the right,’replied Elinor calmly.They then proceeded a few paces in silence.Lucy spoke first.
‘I am sure,’said she,‘I have no doubt in the world of your faithfully keeping this secret,because you must know of what importance it is to us not to have it reach his mother;for she would never approve of it,I dare say.I shall have no fortune,and I fancy she is an exceeding proud woman.’
‘I certainly did not seek your confidence,’said Elinor;‘but you do me no more than justice in imagining that I may be depended on.Your secret is safe with me;but pardon me if I express some surprise at so unnecessary a communication.You must at least have felt that my being acquainted with it could not add to its safety.’
As she said this,she looked earnestly at Lucy,hoping to discover something in her countenance-perhaps the falsehood of the greatest part of what she had been saying;but Lucy's countenance suffered no change.
‘I was afraid you would think I was taking a great liberty with you,’said she,‘in telling you all this.I have not known you long to be sure,personally at least,but I have known you and all your family by deion a great while;and as soon as I saw you,I felt almost as if you was an old acquaintance.Besides,in the present case,I really thought some explanation was due to you after my making such particular inquiries about Edward's mother;and I am so unfortunate that I have not a creature whose advice I can ask.Anne is the only person that knows of it,and she has no judgment at all;indeed,she does me a great deal more harm than good,for I am in constant fear of her betraying me.She does not know how to hold her tongue,as you must perceive;and I am sure I was in the greatest fright in the world t'other day,when Edward's name was mentioned by Sir John,lest she should out with it all.You can't think how much I go through in my mind from it altogether.I only wonder that I am alive after what I have suffered for Edward's sake these last four years.Everything in such suspense and uncertainty,and seeing him so seldom-we can hardly meet above twice a-year.I am sure I wonder my heart is not quite broke.’
Here she took out her handkerchief;but Elinor did not feel very compassionate.
‘Sometimes.’continued Lucy,after wiping her eyes,‘I think whether it would not be better for us both,to break off the matter entirely.’As she said this,she looked directly at her companion.‘But then,at other times,I have not resolution enough for it.I cannot bear the thoughts of making him so miserable,as I know the very mention of such a thing would do.And on my own account too-so dear as he is to me-I don't think I could be equal to it.What would you advise me to do in such a case,Miss Dashwood?What would you do yourself?’
‘Pardon me,’replied Elinor,startled by the question;‘but I can give you no advice under such circumstances.Your own judgment must direct you.’
‘To be sure,’continued Lucy,after a few minutes'silence on both sides,‘his mother must provide for him some time or other;but poor Edward is so cast down about it!Did not you think him dreadful low-spirited when he was at Barton?He was so miserable when he left us at Longstaple,to go to you,that I was afraid you would think him quite ill.’
‘Did he come from your uncle's then when he visited us?’
‘Oh yes;he had been staying a fortnight with us.Did you think he came directly from town?’
‘No,’replied Elinor,most feelingly sensible of every fresh circumstance in favour of Lucy's veracity.‘I remember he told us that he had been staying a fortnight with some friends near Plymouth.”She remembered,too,her own surprise at the time,at his mentioning nothing farther of those friends,at his total silence with respect even to their names.
‘Did not you think him sadly out of spirits?’repeated Lucy.
‘We did indeed,particularly so when he first arrived.’
‘I begged him to exert himself for fear you should suspect what was the matter;but it made him so melancholy,not being able to stay more than a fortnight with us,and seeing me so much affected.-Poor fellow!-I am afraid it is just the same with him now;for he writes in wretched spirits.I heard from him just before I left Exeter;’taking a letter from her pocket and carelessly showing the direction to Elinor.‘You know his hand,I dare say,a charming one it is;but that is not written so well as usual.He was tired,I dare say,for he had just filled the sheet to me as full as possible.’
