Edmund was at this time particularly full of cares;his mind being deeply occupied in the consideration of two important events now at hand,which were to fix his fate in life-ordination and matrimony-events of such a serious character as to make the ball,which would be very quickly followed by one of them,appear of less moment in his eyes than in those of any other person in the house.On the 23rd he was going to a friend near Peterborough in the same situation as himself,and they were to receive ordination in the course of the Christmas week.Half his destiny would then be determined-but the other half might not be so very smoothly wooed.His duties would be established,but the wife who was to share,and animate,and reward those duties might yet be unattainable.He knew his own mind,but he was not always perfectly assured of knowing Miss Crawford's.There were points on which they did not quite agree;there were moments in which she did not seem propitious,and though trusting altogether to her affection,so far as to be resolved (almost resolved)on bringing it to a decision within a very short time,as soon as the variety of business before him were arranged,and he knew what he had to offer her-he had many anxious feelings,many doubting hours as to the result.His conviction of her regard for him was sometimes very strong;he could look back on a long course of encouragement,and she was as perfect in disinterested attachment as in everything else.But at other times doubt and alarm intermingled with his hopes,and when he thought of her acknowledged disinclination for privacy and retirement,her decided preference of a London life-what could he expect but a determined rejection,unless it were an acceptance even more to be deprecated,demanding such sacrifices of situation and employment on his side as conscience must forbid?
The issue of all depended on one question.Did she love him well enough to forego what had used to be essential points-did she love him well enough to make them no longer essential?And this question,which he was continually repeating to himself,though oftenest answered with a ‘Yes’,had sometimes its ‘No’.
Miss Crawford was soon to leave Mansfield,and on this circumstance the ‘no’and the ‘yes’had been very recently in alternation.He had seen her eyes sparkle as she spoke of the dear friend's letter,which claimed a long visit from her in London,and of the kindness of Henry,in engaging to remain where he was till January,that he might convey her thither;he had heard her speak of the pleasure of such a journey with an animation which had ‘no’in every tone.But this had occurred on the first day of its being settled,within the first hour of the burst of such enjoyment,when nothing but the friends she was to visit,was before her.He had since heard her express herself differently-with other feelings-more chequered feelings;he had heard her tell Mrs Grant that she should leave her with regret;that she began to believe neither the friends nor the pleasures she was going to were worth those she left behind;and that though she felt she must go,and knew she should enjoy herself when once away,she was already looking forward to being at Mansfield again.Was there not a ‘yes’in all this?
With such matters to ponder over,and arrange,and re-arrange,Edmund could not,on his own account,think very much of the evening,which the rest of the family were looking forward to with a more equal degree of strong interest.Independent of his two cousins'enjoyment in it,the evening was to him of no higher value than any other appointed meeting of the two families might be.In every meeting there was a hope of receiving farther confirmation of Miss Crawford's attachment;but the whirl of a ballroom perhaps was not particularly favourable to the excitement or expression of serious feelings.To engage her early for the two first dances,was all the command of individual happiness which he felt in his power,and the only preparation for the ball which he could enter into,in spite of all that was passing around him on the subject,from morning till night.
Thursday was the day of the ball:and on Wednesday morning,Fanny,still unable to satisfy herself,as to what she ought to wear,determined to seek the counsel of the more enlightened,and apply to Mrs Grant and her sister,whose acknowledged taste would certainly bear her blameless;and as Edmund and William were gone to Northampton,and she had reason to think Mr Crawford likewise out,she walked down to the Parsonage without much fear of wanting an opportunity for private discussion;and the privacy of such a discussion was a most important part of it to Fanny,being more than half ashamed of her own solicitude.
