PHIDIPPIDES
And who says so?
STREPSIADES
Socrates, the Melian, and Chaerephon, who knows how to measure the jump of a flea.
PHIDIPPIDES
Have you reached such a pitch of madness that you believe those bilious fellows?
STREPSIADES
Use better language, and do not insult men who are clever and full of wisdom, who, to economize, never shave, shun the gymnasia and never go to the baths, while you, you only await my death to eat up my wealth.But come, come as quickly as you can to learn in my stead.
PHIDIPPIDES
And what good can be learnt of them?
STREPSIADES
What good indeed? Why, all human knowledge.Firstly, you will know yourself grossly ignorant.But await me here awhile.
(He goes back into his house.)
PHIDIPPIDES
Alas! what is to be done? Father has lost his wits.Must I have him certificated for lunacy, or must I order his coffin?
STREPSIADES (returning with a bird in each hand)Come! what kind of bird is this? Tell me.
PHIDIPPIDES
A pigeon.
STREPSIADES
Good! And this female?
PHIDIPPIDES
A pigeon.
STREPSIADES
The same for both? You make me laugh! In the future you must call this one a pigeonnette and the other a pigeon.
PHIDIPPIDES
A pigeonnette! These then are the fine things you have just learnt at the school of these sons of Earth!
STREPSIADES
And many others; but what I learnt I forgot at once, because Iam to old.
PHIDIPPIDES
So this is why you have lost your cloak?
STREPSIADES
I have not lost it, I have consecrated it to Philosophy.
PHIDIPPIDES
And what have you done with your sandals, you poor fool?
STREPSIADES
If I have lost them, it is for what was necessary, just as Pericles did.But come, move yourself, let us go in; if necessary, do wrong to obey your father.When you were six years old and still lisped, I was the one who obeyed you.I remember at the feasts of Zeus you had a consuming wish for a little chariot and I bought it for you with the first obolus which I received as a juryman in the courts.
PHIDIPPIDES
You will soon repent of what you ask me to do.
STREPSIADES
Oh! now I am happy! He obeys.(loudly) Come, Socrates, come!
Come out quick! Here I am bringing you my son; he refused, but Ihave persuaded him.
SOCRATES
Why, he is but a child yet.He is not used to these baskets, in which we suspend our minds.
PHIDIPPIDES
To make you better used to them, I would you were hung.
STREPSIADES
A curse upon you! you insult your master!
SOCRATES
"I would you were hung!" What a stupid speech! and so emphatically spoken! How can one ever get out of an accusation with such a tone, summon witnesses or touch or convince? And yet when we think, Hyperbolus learnt all this for one talent!
STREPSIADES
Rest undisturbed and teach him.He has a most intelligent nature.Even when quite little he amused himself at home with making houses, carving boats, constructing little chariots of leather, and understood wonderfully how to make frogs out of pomegranate rinds.
Teach him both methods of reasoning, the strong and also the weak, which by false arguments triumphs over the strong; if not the two, at least the false, and that in every possible way.
SOCRATES
The Just and Unjust Discourse themselves shall instruct him.Ishall leave you.
STREPSIADES
But forget it not, he must always, always be able to confound the true.
(Socrates enters the Thoughtery; a moment later the JUST and the UNJUST DISCOURSE come out; they are quarrelling violently.)JUST DISCOURSE
Come here! Shameless as you may be, will you dare to show your face to the spectators?
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Take me where you will.I seek a throng, so that I may the better annihilate you.
JUST DISCOURSE
Annihilate me! Do you forget who you are?
UNJUST DISCOURSE
I am Reasoning.
JUST DISCOURSE
Yes, the weaker Reasoning."
UNJUST DISCOURSE
But I triumph over you, who claim to be the stronger.
JUST DISCOURSE
By what cunning shifts, pray?
UNJUST DISCOURSE
By the invention of new maxims.
JUST DISCOURSE
....which are received with favour by these fools.
(He points to the audience.)
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Say rather, by these wise men.
JUST DISCOURSE
I am going to destroy you mercilessly.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
How pray? Let us see you do it.
JUST DISCOURSE
By saying what is true.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
I shall retort and shall very soon have the better of you.
First, maintain that justice has no existence.
JUST DISCOURSE
Has no existence?
UNJUST DISCOURSE
No existence! Why, where is it?
JUST DISCOURSE
With the gods.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
How then, if justice exists, was Zeus not put to death for having put his father in chains?
JUST DISCOURSE
Bah! this is enough to turn my stomach! A basin, quick!
UNJUST DISCOURSE
You are an old driveller and stupid withal.
1And you a degenerate and shameless fellow.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Hah! What sweet expressions!
JUST DISCOURSE
An impious buffoon.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
You crown me with roses and with lilies.
JUST DISCOURSE
A parricide.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Why, you shower gold upon me.
JUST DISCOURSE
Formerly it was a hailstorm of blows.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
I deck myself with your abuse.
JUST DISCOURSE
What impudence!
UNJUST DISCOURSE
What tomfoolery!
JUST DISCOURSE
It is because of you that the youth no longer attends the schools.
The Athenians will soon recognize what lessons you teach those who are fools enough to believe you.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
You are overwhelmed with wretchedness.
JUST DISCOURSE
And you, you prosper.Yet you were poor when you said, "I am the Mysian Telephus," and used to stuff your wallet with maxims of Pandeletus to nibble at.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Oh! the beautiful wisdom, of which you are now boasting!
JUST DISCOURSE
Madman! But yet madder the city that keeps you, you, the corrupter of its youth!
UNJUST DISCOURSE
It is not you who will teach this young man; you are as old and out of date at Cronus.
JUST DISCOURSE
Nay, it will certainly be I, if he does not wish to be lost and to practise verbosity only.
UNJUST DISCOURSE (to PHIDIPPIDES)
Come here and leave him to beat the air.
JUST DISCOURSE
You'll regret it, if you touch him.
