`I ought, and I wish to remain,' answered she, `to cheer Edgar and take care of the baby, for two things, and because the Grange is my right home.But I Bell you he wouldn't let me! Do you think he could bear to see me grow fat and merry; and could bear to think that we were tranquil, and not resolve on poisoning our comfort? Now, I have the satisfaction of being sure that he detests me, to the point of its annoying him seriously to have me within earshot or eyesight: I notice, when I enter his presence, the muscles of his countenance are involuntarily distorted into an expression of hatred; partly arising from his knowledge of the good causes I have to feel that sentiment for him, and partly from original aversion.It is strong enough to make me feel pretty certain that he would not chase me over England, supposing I contrived a clear escape; and therefore I must get quite away.I've recovered from my first desire to be killed by him:
I'd rather he'd kill himself! He has extinguished my love effectually, and so I'm at my ease.I can recollect yet how I loved him; and can dimly imagine that I could still be loving him, if--no, no! Even if he had doted on me, the devilish nature would have revealed its existence somehow.Catherine had an awfully perverted taste to esteem him so dearly, knowing him so well.Monster! would that he could be blotted out of creation, and out of my memory!'
`Hush, hush! He's a human being,' I said.`Be more charitable:
there are worse men than he is yet!'
`He's not a human being,' she retorted; `and he has no claim on my charity.I gave him my heart, and he took and pinched it to death, and flung it back to me.People feel with their hearts, Ellen: and since he has destroyed mine, I have not power to feel for him: and I would not, though he groaned from this to his dying day, and wept tears of blood for Catherine! No, indeed, indeed, I wouldn't!' And here Isabella began to cry; but, immediately dashing the water from her lashes, she recommenced.
`You asked, what has driven me to flight at last? I was compelled to attempt it, because I had succeeded in rousing his rage a pitch above his malignity.
Pulling out the nerves with red-hot pincers requires more coolness than knocking on the head.He was worked up to forget the fiendish prudence he boasted of, and proceeded to murderous violence.I experienced pleasure in being able to exasperate him; the sense of pleasure woke my instinct of self-preservation, so I fairly broke free; and if ever I come into his hands again he is welcome to a signal revenge.
`Yesterday, you know, Mr Earnshaw should have been at the funeral.
He kept himself sober for the purpose--tolerably sober: not going to bed mad at six o'clock and getting up drunk at twelve.Consequently he rose, in suicidal low spirits, as fit for the church as for a dance; and instead, he sat down by the fire and swallowed gin or brandy by tumblerfuls.
`Heathcliff--I shudder to name him! has been a stranger in the house from last Sunday till today.Whether the angels have fed him, or his kin beneath, I cannot tell; but he has not eaten a meal with us for nearly a week.He has just come home at dawn, and gone upstairs to his chamber; locking himself in--as if anybody dreamt of coveting his company!
There he has continued, praying like a Methodist: only the deity he implored in senseless dust and ashes; and God, when addressed, was curiously confounded with his own black father! After concluding these precious orisons--and they lasted generally till he grew hoarse and his voice was strangled in his throat--he would be off again; always straight down to the Grange!
I-wonder Edgar did not send for a constable, and give him into custody!
For me, grieved as I was about Catherine, it was impossible to avoid regarding this season of deliverance from degrading oppression as a holiday.
`I recovered spirits sufficient to hear Joseph's eternal lectures without weeping, and to move up and down the house less with the foot of a frightened thief than formerly.You wouldn't think that I should cry at anything Joseph could say; but he and Hareton are detestable companions.
I'd rather sit with Hindley, and hear his awful talk, than with ``t' little maister'' and his staunch supporter, that odious old man! When Heathcliff is in, I'm often obliged to seek the kitchen and their society, or starve among the damp uninhabited chambers; when he is not, as was the case this week, I establish a table and chair at one comer of the house fire, and never mind how Mr Earnshaw may occupy himself; and he does not interfere with my arrangements.He is quieter now than he used to be, if no one provokes him: more sullen and depressed, and less furious.Joseph affirms he's sure he's an altered man: that the Lord has touched his heart, and he is saved ``so as by fire''.I'm puzzled to detect signs of the favourable change:
but it is not my business.
`Yester-evening I sat in my nook reading some old books till late on towards twelve.It seemed so dismal to go upstairs, with the wild snow blowing outside, and my thoughts continually reverting to the kirkyard and the new-made grave! I dared hardly lift my eyes from the page before me, that melancholy scene so instantly usurped its place.Hindley sat opposite, his head leant on his hand; perhaps meditating on the same subject.He had ceased drinking at a point below irrationality, and had neither stirred nor spoken during two or three hours.There was no sound through the house but the moaning wind, which shook the windows every now and then, the faint crackling of the coals, and the click of my snuffers as I removed at intervals the long wick of the candle.Hareton and Joseph were probably fast asleep in bed.It was very, very sad: and while I read I sighed, for it seemed as if all joy had vanished from the world, never to be restored.
