Before Achilles' tent. Enter THERSITES, solus THERSITES How now, Thersites! what lost in the labyrinth of thy fury! Shall the elephant Ajax carry it thus?
He beats me, and I rail at him: O, worthy satisfaction! would it were otherwise; that I could beat him, whilst he railed at me. 'Sfoot, I'll learn to conjure and raise devils, but I'll see some issue of my spiteful execrations. Then there's Achilles, a rare enginer! If Troy be not taken till these two undermine it, the walls will stand till they fall of themselves. O thou great thunder-darter of Olympus, forget that thou art Jove, the king of gods and, Mercury, lose all the serpentine craft of thy caduceus, if ye take not that little, little less than little wit from them that they have! which short-armed ignorance itself knows is so abundant scarce, it will not in circumvention deliver a fly from a spider, without drawing their massy irons and cutting the web. After this, the vengeance on the whole camp! or rather, the bone-ache! for that, methinks, is the curse dependent on those that war for a placket. I have said my prayers and devil Envy say Amen. What ho! my Lord Achilles!
Enter PATROCLUS PATROCLUS Who's there? Thersites! Good Thersites, come in and rail. THERSITES If I could have remembered a gilt counterfeit, thou wouldst not have slipped out of my contemplation: but it is no matter; thyself upon thyself! The common curse of mankind, folly and ignorance, be thine in great revenue! heaven bless thee from a tutor, and discipline come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy direction till thy death! then if she that lays thee out says thou art a fair corse, I'll be sworn and sworn upon't she never shrouded any but lazars.
Amen. Where's Achilles? PATROCLUS What, art thou devout? wast thou in prayer? THERSITES Ay: the heavens hear me!
Enter ACHILLES ACHILLES Who's there? PATROCLUS Thersites, my lord. ACHILLES Where, where? Art thou come? why, my cheese, my digestion, why hast thou not served thyself in to my table so many meals? Come, what's Agamemnon? THERSITES Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me, Patroclus, what's Achilles? PATROCLUS Thy lord, Thersites: then tell me, I pray thee, what's thyself? THERSITES Thy knower, Patroclus: then tell me, Patroclus, what art thou? PATROCLUS Thou mayst tell that knowest. ACHILLES O, tell, tell. THERSITES I'll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am Patroclus' knower, and Patroclus is a fool. PATROCLUS You rascal! THERSITES Peace, fool! I have not done. ACHILLES He is a privileged man. Proceed, Thersites. THERSITES Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool;
Thersites is a fool, and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool. ACHILLES Derive this; come. THERSITES Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles;
Achilles is a fool to be commanded of Agamemnon;
Thersites is a fool to serve such a fool, and Patroclus is a fool positive. PATROCLUS Why am I a fool? THERSITES Make that demand of the prover. It suffices me thou art. Look you, who comes here? ACHILLES Patroclus, I'll speak with nobody.
Come in with me, Thersites.
Exit THERSITES Here is such patchery, such juggling and such knavery! all the argument is a cuckold and a whore; a good quarrel to draw emulous factions and bleed to death upon. Now, the dry serpigo on the subject! and war and lechery confound all!
Exit Enter AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, DIOMEDES, and AJAX AGAMEMNON Where is Achilles? PATROCLUS Within his tent; but ill disposed, my lord. AGAMEMNON Let it be known to him that we are here.
He shent our messengers; and we lay by Our appertainments, visiting of him:
Let him be told so; lest perchance he think We dare not move the question of our place, Or know not what we are. PATROCLUS I shall say so to him.
Exit ULYSSES We saw him at the opening of his tent:
He is not sick. AJAX Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart: you may call it melancholy, if you will favour the man; but, by my head, 'tis pride: but why, why? let him show us the cause. A word, my lord.
Takes AGAMEMNON aside NESTOR What moves Ajax thus to bay at him? ULYSSES Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him. NESTOR Who, Thersites? ULYSSES He. NESTOR Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument. ULYSSES No, you see, he is his argument that has his argument, Achilles. NESTOR All the better; their fraction is more our wish than their faction: but it was a strong composure a fool could disunite. ULYSSES The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily untie. Here comes Patroclus.
Re-enter PATROCLUS NESTOR No Achilles with him. ULYSSES The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy: his legs are legs for necessity, not for flexure. PATROCLUS Achilles bids me say, he is much sorry, If any thing more than your sport and pleasure Did move your greatness and this noble state To call upon him; he hopes it is no other But for your health and your digestion sake, And after-dinner's breath. AGAMEMNON Hear you, Patroclus:
We are too well acquainted with these answers:
But his evasion, wing'd thus swift with scorn, Cannot outfly our apprehensions.
