“I had not thought of this for us when I asked you to marry me.I had thought of life going on at Twelve Oaks as it had always done,peacefully,easily,unchanging.We are alike,Melanie,loving the same quiet things,and I saw before us a long stretch of uneventful years in which to read,hear music and dream.But not this!Never this!That this could happen to us all,this wrecking of old ways,this bloody slaughter and hate!Melanie,nothing is worth it—States'Rights,nor slaves,nor cotton.Nothing is worth what is happening to us now and what may happen,for if the Yankees whip us the future will be one of incredible horror.And,my dear,they may yet whip us.
“I should not write those words.I should not even think them.But you have asked me what was in my heart,and the fear of defeat is there.Do you remember at the barbecue,the day our engagement was announced,that a man named Butler,a Charlestonian by his accent,nearly caused a fight by his remarks about the ignorance of Southerners?Do you recall how the twins wanted to shoot him because he said we had few foundries and factories,mills and ships,arsenals and machine shops?Do you recall how he said the Yankee fleet could bottle us up so tightly we could not ship out our cotton?He was right.We are fighting the Yankees'new rifles with Revolutionary War muskets,and soon the blockade will be too tight for even medical supplies to slip in.We should have paid heed to cynics like Butler who knew,instead of statesmen who felt—and talked.He said,in effect,that the South had nothing with which to wage war but cotton and arrogance.Our cotton is worthless and what he called arrogance is all that is left.But I call that arrogance matchless courage.If—”
But Scarlett carefully folded up the letter without finishing it and thrust it back into the envelope,too bored to read further.Besides,the tone of the letter vaguely depressed her with its foolish talk of defeat.After all,she wasn't reading Melanie's mail to learn Ashley's puzzling and uninteresting ideas.She had had to listen to enough of them when he sat on the porch at Tara in days gone by.
All she wanted to know was whether he wrote impassioned letters to his wife.So far he had not.She had read every letter in the writing box and there was nothing in any one of them that a brother might not have written to a sister.They were affectionate,humorous,discursive,but not the letters of a lover.Scarlett had received too many ardent love letters herself not to recognize the authentic note of passion when she saw it.And that note was missing.As always after her secret readings,a feeling of smug satisfaction enveloped her,for she felt certain that Ashley still loved her.And always she wondered sneeringly why Melanie did not realize that Ashley only loved her as a friend.Melanie evidently found nothing lacking in her husband's messages but Melanie had had no other man's love letters with which to compare Ashley's.
“He writes such crazy letters,”Scarlett thought.“If ever any husband of mine wrote me such twaddle-twaddle,he'd certainly hear from me!Why,even Charlie wrote better letters than these.”
She flipped back the edges of the letters,looking at the dates,remembering their contents.In them there were no fine deive passages of bivouacs and charges such as Darcy Meade wrote his parents or poor Dallas McLure had written his old-maid sisters,Misses Faith and Hope.The Meades and the McLures proudly read these letters all over the neighborhood,and Scarlett had frequently felt a secret shame that Melanie had no such letters from Ashley to read aloud at sewing circles.
It was as though when writing Melanie,Ashley tried to ignore the war altogether,and sought to draw about the two of them a magic circle of timelessness,shutting out everything that had happened since Fort Sumter was the news of the day.It was almost as if he were trying to believe there wasn't any war.He wrote of books which he and Melanie had read and songs they had sung,of old friends they knew and places he had visited on his Grand Tour.Through the letters ran a wistful yearning to be back home at Twelve Oaks,and for pages he wrote of the hunting and the long rides through the still forest paths under frosty autumn stars,the barbecues,the fish fries,the quiet of moonlight nights and the serene charm of the old house.
She thought of his words in the letter she had just read:“Not this!Never this!”and they seemed the cry of a tormented soul facing something he could not face,yet must face.It puzzled her for,if he was not afraid of wounds and death,what was it he feared?Unanalytical,she struggled with the complex thought.
“The war disturbs him and he—he doesn't like things that disturb him....Me,for instance....He loved me but he was afraid to marry me because—for fear I'd upset his way of thinking and living.No,it wasn't exactly that he was afraid.Ashley isn't a coward.He couldn't be when he's been mentioned in dispatches and when Colonel Sloan wrote that letter to Melly all about his gallant conduct in leading the charge.Once he's made up his mind to something,no one could be braver or more determined but—He lives inside his head instead of outside in the world and he hates to come out into the world and—Oh,I don't know what it is!If I'd just understood this one thing about him years ago,I know he'd have married me.”
