Keira was ready and waiting outside Orin's B&B bright and early the next morning. The last thing her broken heart needed was an Irish-style breakfast, so she'd made certain that there was no time for one, waking up with just enough time to shower and dress.
She stood on the street corner, her arms wrapped around her middle, feeling wounded by Zach's betrayal. She wasn't sure how she was going to get through today; all she wanted to do was curl up in bed and sleep. But when she saw Shane's car approaching, she felt a sudden sense of relief, as though her loneliness was melting away.
He pulled to a halt, mounting the curb beside the B&B, and Keira got in the passenger side.
"Morning," Shane said, stiffly.
Keira looked over at him, at his drawn expression, and suddenly remembered what he had told her yesterday about how he was going to pay his respects to someone, about how she wasn't the person he wanted to talk about it to. Her instinct was to ask him how he was, check in to see whether he needed anything, but the breakup had knocked her confidence, and Shane's rejection of her support yesterday stung more as a result. So instead of attempting to connect with him, she just stared absentmindedly out the window.
"Morning."
Shane pulled away from the curb and they began the drive. Keira wallowed in her misery, watching the dreary greens and grays that passed by through the window.
She wasn't sure how much time had passed before Shane finally spoke.
"You're quiet," he said.
"So are you," she replied, her gaze still fixed out the window.
"I suppose I am."
They fell into silence again. Keira hated it, the way their free and easy banter had been replaced by a huge, swelling nothingness.
"I spent the evening at a graveside," Shane replied by way of explanation. "What about you?"
"I'm just tired."
"There's something else."
She looked over at him at last. "It's none of your business," she said, echoing his sentiments from yesterday.
She didn't mean to be snappy, but talking about the breakup was the last thing she wanted to do right now. What she really wanted was a long chat with Bryn or her mom. Usually they'd be the first people she turned to when seeking comfort, but Bryn had been jogging when she called, and said she didn't have any time to chat, so she hadn't even had the chance to tell her about Zach. And with her mom there was a high likelihood that she'd use it as an I told you so moment. Keira hadn't been in the mood for that. Now speaking to anyone back in New York City was impossible because it was the middle of the night there. Keira hadn't felt so lonely since coming to Ireland as she did now. She could've done with offloading to Shane, but clearly neither of them was in the right place for that right now.
She turned her attention back to the view through the window and could feel Shane's eyes watching her. He didn't press it, though, and they fell back into their uneasy silence.
Unlike the other two trips, this one was much longer, and it gave Keira ample time to dwell in her misery. She decided that Shane was either respecting her lack of a desire to communicate or was too angry with her to want to try. Though his usual banter was conspicuously absent, he did keep looking over at her with a look of anguish.
Finally he spoke.
"Keira, are you annoyed with me for leaving you to attend the festival alone?" he asked.
She shot him a daggered look. "I'm not a kid, Shane. It's not like I'm giving you the silent treatment for rejecting me." She realized as she said it that that was actually half of the reason why she wasn't speaking to him. The realization took her by surprise. She folded her arms. "Why couldn't you, anyway?"
"I told you," Shane replied. His hands tightened on the steering wheel. "I had to pay my respects to someone. Someones, actually."
Keira couldn't help her curiosity. "Who?"
Shane took a deep inhalation, then let the breath go slowly. "I don't want to burden you with my stuff."
"I don't mind," Keira replied. Then, picking at the hem of her shirt, added, "It would take my mind off my own stuff."
Shane looked over at her. "Let's make a deal. I'll burden you, if you burden me."
Keira folded into herself. She wasn't ready to speak about the breakup. But on the other hand, she did want to know what was going on with Shane. Maybe it was a sacrifice worth making.
"Deal," she said finally.
Shane looked back out the windshield. The road ahead was narrow, but long and empty. It felt like they were the only two people in the world.
His hands still on the steering wheel, Shane briefly glanced over at Keira in the passenger seat. "None of this is going in your piece, okay?"
Keira held her hands in truce position. "Completely off the record," she confirmed, realizing once again as she said it just how much better suited Joshua would have been for this job. Nothing would be off the record for him. "So it must be to do with love, then," she said aloud as it dawned on her.
Shane nodded. "You're not going to like this. It goes against everything you stand for."
"Everything I stand for?" Keira said, frowning. "What do you mean by that?"
Shane cleared his throat and stared straight ahead through the windshield. "You made a comment about teenage sweethearts the other day."
"About how it always ends badly? You were offended by that?"
He nodded. "It was more the sound of complete contempt in your voice. The disdain. Like you could never believe it ever working out for two people."
"That's because I don't think it can," Keira replied. "In my experience, anyway. I mean the only people I know who married young divorced young as well. And if they stayed together it was only because their religion frowned upon their separating." She paused then. "Are you about to tell me you're with your teenage sweetheart?"
Keira was struck by how much the thought troubled her. She had never actually asked Shane whether he was in a relationship. She'd just assumed by his behavior that he wasn't. There was no ring on his finger, either, so he wasn't committed in that way, but what if there was some sweet girl waiting for him at home? One he left every year to come to the festival and party? The thought made her stomach roil.
"Sort of," Shane replied.
The sensation Keira felt then was akin to panic. Were all men cheaters? Did they all stray the second their girlfriends were out of eyeshot? How could someone sort of be with someone else, anyway?
Beside her, Shane seemed to deflate.
"She died," he said simply.
Keira felt a wave of guilt crash over her for ever doubting him, for letting her mind go immediately to her own place of hurt and paranoia.
"I'm so sorry," she gasped. "Recently?"
He shook his head. "No. It was a long time ago."
"What happened?"
"We met at school," Shane began. "Fell in love straightaway, although neither of us knew that's what it was when we were twelve." He smiled wistfully to himself. "We got older, started dating. Perfect is the only way I can describe it. I proposed before school was even over. She fell pregnant that night." Another smile, this time accompanied by a blush. "We were married at eighteen. Then one night, when she was eight months pregnant, the baby stopped kicking. We went to hospital. It had died." He gripped the steering wheel even tighter. "As she gave birth to our stillborn son, she died too. I lost them both in one night." He glanced at her sadly. "That's what I mean by sort of. 'Til death do us part. It just came a lot sooner than either of us expected. But she's still here." He touched his heart.
Keira felt cold all over. She'd never heard a story so tragic. "What was her name?" she asked gently. "If you don't mind telling me."
"Deirdre," Shane replied. "And I named the boy John, after her late father. I'm sure it's what she would have wanted."
Keira didn't know what to say anymore. She felt terrible, so filled with grief and empathy it felt like she might burst. What an awful experience to go through at such a young age. No wonder he'd been so annoyed at her high school sweetheart comment.
"That's whose graves you were visiting last night?" she asked, just as gently.
Shane nodded.
"Because it was the anniversary?" Keira asked. The thought that her words had been salt rubbed in the wound horrified her.
"No," he replied. "I only go when the urge takes me. It's usually several times a year, even now. I had that urge yesterday."
"Did something prompt it?"
He looked across at her then. "Guilt."
"Guilt?" Keira repeated. Then she realized what he must mean. His hook-up with Tessa. Being with another woman must have stirred up all kinds of emotions inside of him. At least, she thought that must be what he meant, though there was something else in his eyes that seemed unreadable.
"We're here," Shane said suddenly.
Keira startled. She'd almost completely forgotten they were in the car, driving to another location, so lost had she become in Shane's story.
They pulled up in the parking lot of a beautiful, stately home. It was a gorgeous old red brick building covered in crawling ivy. It hadn't been what she'd been expecting at all, although she realized now she hadn't even bothered to check her itinerary, or ask Shane where he was taking her today. She'd been so wrapped up in Zach she had completely forgotten.
"This is a bit fancy," she said.
"Muckross House," Shane told her. "It has gardens, lakes, and the grounds are now part of the Killarney National Park."
Keira looked out the windshield at the surrounding mountains. They looked blue in the thin daylight, like the backdrop of a watercolor painting.
"Want to go for a stroll?" Shane asked.
His tone was far more gentle than Keira had heard from him thus far. She didn't want to admit it, but it soothed her greatly. Maybe it wasn't Bryn's or her mom's comfort she sought to get her through the breakup. Maybe she wasn't looking for the care of a confidant but the touch of someone new and exciting.
She shook the thoughts away immediately. Hadn't she just told Zach about how unclassy it was to jump straight into bed with someone new as soon as a relationship ended? How could she now be having such similar desires? And hadn't Shane just told her about how much anguish and guilt he felt over being with other women? Not to mention he was her tour guide, paid for by her company! It was beyond inappropriate even to entertain the thought of hooking up with him. But there was a pull there, Keira had to admit.
They got out of the car. Keira saw something on the lawns and squinted.
"Is that a duck?" she asked, and a small giggle escaped her throat.
"Looks like it," Shane replied, smiling in response to the smile she'd finally managed to crack. "Must have wandered up here from the lake."
"Oh look, ducklings!" Keira cried, as a row of fluffy yellow chicks followed their mother, winding through the grass.
Keira cooed over the sight, then realized Shane was looking at her. This time his expression wasn't one she'd seen before from him. She saw something there in his eye, a twinkle. No, it was more like a burning. She wondered what William Barry would make of a look like that.
"I wanted to tell you how pretty you looked this morning," Shane said suddenly. "But you seemed so sad."
Keira was shocked to hear such words from him. He thought she was pretty?
"I was sad," she replied. "I still am."
Shane nodded. "I can tell. We made a deal, remember?"
Keira hesitated. It felt too dangerous to talk about romance and relationships, because she knew where her mind would go, what desires would be unleashed once she admitted to herself that she was back on the market. But the other side of her felt pulled toward that place, toward that slightly dangerous admission and the excitement that might result from it.
"Zach," she began. "My boyfriend. He's not my boyfriend anymore."
Shane looked genuinely sad for her. Keira could almost sense the way he wanted to comfort her, touch her and show her kindness. But he held back and she was grateful.
They began to walk again, ambling through the beautiful grounds of the old Victorian mansion.
"He cheated on me," Keira said after a long moment of silence. "I was supposed to go to his sister's wedding but I got put on this assignment. So he slept with one of the bridesmaids."
Shane gave her a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry. That sucks."
Keira pulled her arms tightly about her, as though trying to cradle the pain inside her ribcage.
"If it makes you feel any better," Shane said, "I'm really glad you came on the assignment."
Keira froze then. What was he saying? He'd acted so far like she was the most infuriating person he'd ever met. He'd even gone off with Tessa at the festival. Those weren't the actions of someone who cared!
"It's fun to have some company," he added quickly. Then with a shrug, he said, "I'm away from home as well. I tend to get a bit homesick over the festival, so it's nice to have a friendly face."
Keira realized then that she didn't know anything about Shane as a person. All she knew was his views on romance, and that his general outlook on life seemed to differ so much from hers. They'd jumped right into the debating, discussing the heavy stuff, and had never even had simple chitchat about their homes, their families, their friends, what they cared about.
"I don't know what to say to make it better," Shane said. "But I know it will get better."
She nodded and felt a little choked up. She'd felt a pull toward Shane before, even when he was being an infuriating jerk. Now she felt like a magnet was attracting her to him, making her move closer into his orbit.
"I would suggest a pint," he said with a sheepish grin. "But I have a feeling you won't like that."
She laughed and shook her head. "I'm already getting a beer belly," she laughed, patting her stomach.
"How about brunch then?" Shane said, and he pointed at a sign that told them there were tea rooms on the grounds.
"That sounds nice," Keira said. She hadn't had any breakfast and was quite hungry now.
They strolled along the path, following the sign to the tearooms, and went inside. It was a beautiful little building, probably the old caretaker's cottage now converted into a quaint cafe.
They sat at a small round table, their knees so close they were almost touching. Keira wondered suddenly if having brunch with Shane wasn't the most sensible idea. It was a bit like a date, she realized, only far more confusing.
They both ordered poached eggs on rye bread with coffees and juice. Keira tried to picture Joshua here, in this rustic tea room, with its delicate porcelain crockery. He would have stuck out like a sore thumb! Keira realized that she herself fit in much more here than she would ever have anticipated.
The food arrived and they began eating quietly. Keira noticed that Shane's expression was downcast, and it suddenly occurred to her that she'd been moaning on about her breakup when he had become a widower at the age of eighteen. He knew about love and loss far more than she did, had been through far worse than she now was. He must be thinking she was such a brat.
"I'm sorry for being so mopey," Keira blurted.
Shane shook his head. "No need. You're going through something rubbish."
Keira shifted in her seat. "But it must seem so juvenile to you. After everything you've been through."
"You mean because of Deirdre?" he said. There was a small smile on his lips. "You can say her name, you know. I wouldn't have told you about it if I didn't want to ever talk about it out loud."
Keira nodded, feeling suddenly privileged, like he'd let her in on one of his darkest secrets and she hadn't even realized the significance of it. "Yes. I mean after Deirdre."
"You might have noticed that after Deirdre I wasn't exactly a hermit," Shane said. "It's not like she's the only woman I've been with. I've had other girlfriends, some long term, some short. Caroline was my next big love."
"Oh God, what happened to her?" Keira asked, fearing the worst. Tuberculosis or the like.
"She cheated on me," Shane replied.
It wasn't the response Keira was expecting. That Shane had been through the same thing as her felt like another thing to pull them together. "Even though she knew about what you'd been through with Deirdre?"
Shane nodded. "Some people really can't see how their actions will affect others."
"That's remarkably diplomatic of you," Keira replied.
Shane just shrugged. "Well, I just think we're all a bit guilty of that."
Keira didn't think Shane's words were pointed, but it certainly applied to her situation. Zach had undermined their entire relationship by sleeping with Julia but she hadn't been exactly guilt free, either. She'd found it impossible to see his point of view about her work commitments, about the way she was always running off and prioritizing other things ahead of him. His actions had ended their relationship, but hers had shaken it in the first place.
"You said you missed your family earlier," Keira said. "How come you don't see them?"
"They just live quite far away from Lisdoonvarna," Shane replied. "Actually, they live kind of near here."
"You should take the day off," Keira suggested. "Go and see them!"
Shane shook his head. "I don't think I'd get hired again next year if anyone found out I'd shirked on my responsibilities. And I really need the money."
Keira felt bad for him. To miss people and be so close was the worst. She felt that in many ways with Bryn, with the way she was just on the other end of the phone and yet the time difference meant they couldn't talk.
"I have an idea," Keira said suddenly, her eyebrows rising. "Your job is to show me the real Irish life, right? Well, why don't you show me your hometown. Your family."
Shane almost spit his mouthful of coffee out. "I don't know if I'm quite ready to introduce you to my parents," he joked.
Keira rolled her eyes. "Shane, come on. I'm giving you a chance here. Using a loophole."
He didn't look convinced. "It's another hour drive from here. I don't know if we'd be able to get back in time for the festival this evening."
Keira thought about the woefully inadequate amount of interviews in her notebook, and the draft she had yet to send to Nina, of the pages of words she'd screwed up and thrown away because she no longer wanted to rip apart the people she'd interviewed. Missing a night of the festival would be pretty reckless. Unless…
"Are your parents still married?" she asked.
"Forty years going strong," Shane replied, smiling.
"Do you think they'd let me interview them?"
Shane looked surprised. "Well, they both love talking so I suppose so."
"There," Keira said triumphantly. "Your parents can be my interviewees for the evening. I have enough material to describe the festival and Ireland as a whole, it's the interviews I'm lacking on."
Shane seemed to suddenly brighten at the realization that she was serious, that this was really happening.
"Okay. Great! I'll call them now and let them know we're coming."
Keira smiled as he got up from the table and went outside to make the call. The only problem with this plan was that she was supposed to be tearing the myth of love and romance apart. But something had started changing in her. Her walls were beginning to come down. She was softening to Ireland, to the people, to the romance of it all. Especially now that Zach had broken up with her.
A thought hit her then. Elliot had wanted the piece to be firsthand, narrative driven, but what if she pursued a new direction, of the cynical New Yorker who suffers a breakup in the middle of a festival of love? What if she put her personal life, rather than just her views, front and center of the piece?
Just then Shane reappeared at the door. "You ready? My family are so excited to meet you."
"They are?" she asked, standing up and grabbing her purse.
She went to the door and followed Shane out.
"They're always happy when there's another woman in the house," he said over his shoulder as they walked back to the car.
"What do you mean another woman?" Keira asked, curious.
Shane grinned. "Oh, you'll find out soon enough."
