I understood this,but it made matters no better for me.I was now ready to accept any faith if only it did not demand of me a direct denial of reason--which would be a falsehood.And I studied Buddhism and Mohammedanism from books,and most of all I studied Christianity both from books and from the people around me.
Naturally I first of all turned to the orthodox of my circle,to people who were learned:to Church theologians,monks,to theologians of the newest shade,and even to Evangelicals who profess salvation by belief in the Redemption.And I seized on these believers and questioned them as to their beliefs and their understanding of the meaning of life.
But though I made all possible concessions,and avoided all disputes,I could not accept the faith of these people.I saw that what they gave out as their faith did not explain the meaning of life but obscured it,and that they themselves affirm their belief not to answer that question of life which brought me to faith,but for some other aims alien to me.
I remember the painful feeling of fear of being thrown back into my former state of despair,after the hope I often and often experienced in my intercourse with these people.
The more fully they explained to me their doctrines,the more clearly did I perceive their error and realized that my hope of finding in their belief an explanation of the meaning of life was vain.
It was not that in their doctrines they mixed many unnecessary and unreasonable things with the Christian truths that had always been near to me:that was not what repelled me.I was repelled by the fact that these people's lives were like my own,with only this difference--that such a life did not correspond to the principles they expounded in their teachings.I clearly felt that they deceived themselves and that they,like myself found no other meaning in life than to live while life lasts,taking all one's hands can seize.I saw this because if they had had a meaning which destroyed the fear of loss,suffering,and death,they would not have feared these things.But they,these believers of our circle,just like myself,living in sufficiency and superfluity,tried to increase or preserve them,feared privations,suffering,and death,and just like myself and all of us unbelievers,lived to satisfy their desires,and lived just as badly,if not worse,than the unbelievers.
No arguments could convince me of the truth of their faith.
Only deeds which showed that they saw a meaning in life making what was so dreadful to me--poverty,sickness,and death--not dreadful to them,could convince me.And such deeds I did not see among the various believers in our circle.On the contrary,I saw such deeds done [Footnote:this passage is noteworthy as being one of the few references made by Tolstoy at this period to the revolutionary or "Back-to-the-People"movement,in which many young men and women were risking and sacrificing home,property,and life itself from motives which had much in common with his own perception that the upper layers of Society are parasitic and prey on the vitals of the people who support them.--A.M.]by people of our circle who were the most unbelieving,but never by our so-called believers.
And I understood that the belief of these people was not the faith I sought,and that their faith is not a real faith but an epicurean consolation in life.
I understood that that faith may perhaps serve,if not for a consolation at least for some distraction for a repentant Solomon on his death-bed,but it cannot serve for the great majority of mankind,who are called on not to amuse themselves while consuming the labour of others but to create life.
