I at fust thawt I'd stay & becum a Marter to British Outraje, as sich a course mite git my name up & be a good advertisement fur my Show, but it occurred to me that ef enny of the Seventy Onesters shood happen to insert a barronet into my stummick it mite be onplesunt, & I was on the pint of runnin orf when the Prince hisself kum up & axed me what the matter was.Sez I, "Albert Edard, is that you?" & he smilt & sed it was.Sez I, "Albert Edard, hears my keerd.I cum to pay my respecks to the futer King of Ingland.The Kurnal of the Seventy Onesters hear is ruther smawl pertaters, but of course you ain't to blame fur that.He puts on as many airs as tho he was the Bully Boy with the glass eye.""Never mind," sez Albert Edard, "I'm glad to see you, Mister Ward, at all events," & he tuk my hand so plesunt like & larfed so sweet that I fell in love with him to onct.He handid me a segar & we sot down on the Pizarro & commenst smokin rite cheerful."Wall," sez I, "Albert Edard, how's the old folks?""Her Majesty & the Prince are well," he sed.
"Duz the old man take his Lager beer reglar?" I inquired.
The Prince larfed & intermatid that the old man didn't let many kegs of that bevridge spile in the sellar in the coarse of a year.We sot & tawked there sum time abowt matters & things, &bimeby I axed him how he liked bein Prince as fur as he'd got.
"To speak plain, Mister Ward," he sed, "I don't much like it.
I'm sick of all this bowin & scrapin & crawlin & hurrain over a boy like me.I would rather go through the country quietly &enjoy myself in my own way, with the other boys, & not be made a Show of to be garped at by everybody.When the PEPLE cheer me I feel pleesed, fur I know they meen it; but if these one-horse offishuls cood know how I see threw all their moves & understan exackly what they air after, & knowd how I larft at 'em in private, thayd stop kissin my hands & fawnin over me as thay now do.But you know, Mr.Ward, I can't help bein a Prince, & Imust do all I kin to fit myself fur the persishun I must sumtime ockepy.""That's troo," sez I; "sickness and the docters will carry the Queen orf one of these dase, sure's yer born."The time hevin arove fur me to take my departer I rose up &sed: "Albert Edard, I must go, but previs to doin so I will obsarve that you soot me.Yure a good feller, Albert Edard, &tho I'm agin Princes as a gineral thing, I must say I like the cut of your Gib.When you git to be King try and be as good a man as yure muther has bin! Be just & be Jenerus, espeshully to showmen, who hav allers bin aboozed sins the dase of Noah, who was the fust man to go into the Menagery bizniss, & ef the daily papers of his time air to be beleeved Noah's colleckshun of livin wild beests beet ennything ever seen sins, tho I make bold to dowt ef his snaiks was ahead of mine.Albert Edard, adoo!" I tuk his hand which he shook warmly, & givin him a perpetooal free pars to my show, & also parses to take hum for the Queen & old Albert, I put on my hat and walkt away.
"Mrs.Ward," I solilerquized, as I walkt along, "Mrs.Ward, ef you could see your husband now, just as he prowdly emerjis from the presunts of the futur King of Ingland, you'd be sorry you called him a Beest jest becaws he cum home tired 1 nite and wantid to go to bed without takin orf his boots.You'd be sorry for tryin to deprive yure husband of the priceliss Boon of liberty, Betsy Jane!"Jest then I met a long perseshun of men with gownds onto 'em.
The leader was on horseback, & ridin up to me he sed, "Air you Orange?"Sez I, "Which?"
"Air you a Orangeman?" he repeated, sternly.
"I used to peddle lemins," sed I, "but I never delt in oranges.
They are apt to spile on yure hands.What particler Loonatic Asylum hev you & yure frends escaped frum, ef I may be so bold?" Just then a suddent thawt struck me & I sed, "Oh yure the fellers who air worryin the Prince so & givin the Juke of Noocastle cold sweats at nite, by yure infernal catawalins, air you? Wall, take the advice of a Amerykin sitterzen, take orf them gownds & don't try to get up a religious fite, which is 40times wuss nor a prize fite, over Albert Edard, who wants to receive you all on a ekal footin, not keerin a tinker's cuss what meetin house you sleep in Sundays.Go home & mind yure bisness & not make noosenses of yourselves." With which observashuns I left 'em.
I shall leeve British sile 4thwith.
1.25.PICCOLOMINI.
Gents,--I arroved in Cleveland on Saturday P.M.from Baldinsville jest in time to fix myself up and put on a clean biled rag to attend Miss Picklehomony's grate musical sorry at the Melodeon.The krowds which pored into the hall augured well for the show bizniss, & with cheerful sperrets I jined the enthoosiastic throng.I asked Mr.Strakhosh at the door if he parst the perfession, and he sed not much he didn't, whereupon I bawt a preserved seat in the pit, & obsarving to Mr.
Strakhosh that he needn't put on so many French airs becawz he run with a big show, and that he'd better let his weskut out a few inches or perhaps he'd bust hisself some fine day, I went in and squatted down.It was a sad thawt to think that in all that vast aujience Scacely a Sole had the honor of my acquaintance."& this ere," sed I Bitturly, "is Fame! What sigerfy my wax figgers and livin wild beasts (which have no ekels) to these peple? What do thay care becawz a site of my Kangeroo is worth dubble the price of admission, and that my Snaiks is as harmlis as the new born babe--all of which is strictly troo?" I should have gone on ralein at Fortin and things sum more, but jest then Signer Maccarony cum out and sung a hairey from some opry or other.He had on his store close & looked putty slick, I must say.Nobody didn't understand nothin abowt what he sed, and so they applawdid him versiferusly.Then Signer Brignoly cum out and sung another hairey.He appeared to be in a Pensiv Mood & sung a Luv song Isuppose, tho he may have been cussin the aujince all into a heep for aut I knewd.Then cum Mr.Maccarony agin and Miss Picklehomony herself.Thay sang a Doit together.
