Chapter 34
When they were gone,Elizabeth,as if intending to exasperate herself as much as possible against Mr Darcy,chose for her employment the examination of all the letters which Jane had written to her since her being in Kent.They contained no actual complaint,nor was there any revival of past occurrences,or any communication of present suffering.But in all,and in almost every line of each,there was a want of that cheerfulness which had been used to characterize her style,and which,proceeding from the serenity of a mind at ease with itself,and kindly disposed towards every one,had been scarcely ever clouded.Elizabeth noticed every sentence conveying the idea of uneasiness with an attention which it had hardly received on the first perusal.Mr Darcy's shameful boast of what misery he had been able to inflict gave her a keener sense of her sister's sufferings.It was some consolation to think that his visit to Rosings was to end on the day after the next,and a still greater that in less than a fortnight she should herself be with Jane again,and enabled to contribute to the recovery of her spirits by all that affection could do.
She could not think of Darcy's leaving Kent without remembering that his cousin was to go with him;but Colonel Fitzwilliam had made it clear that he had no intentions at all,and agreeable as he was,she did not mean to be unhappy about him.
While settling this point,she was suddenly roused by the sound of the door bell,and her spirits were a little fluttered by the idea of its being Colonel Fitzwilliam himself,who had once before called late in the evening,and might now come to inquire particularly after her.But this idea was soon banished,and her spirits were very differently affected,when,to her utter amazement,she saw Mr Darcy walk into the room.In an hurried manner he immediately began an inquiry after her health,imputing his visit to a wish of hearing that she were better.She answered him with cold civility.He sat down for a few moments,and then getting up walked about the room.Elizabeth was surprized,but said not a word.After a silence of several minutes,he came towards her in an agitated manner,and thus began:
‘In vain have I struggled.It will not do.My feelings will not be repressed.You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.’
Elizabeth's astonishment was beyond expression.She stared,coloured,doubted,and was silent.This he considered sufficient encouragement and the avowal of all that he felt and had long felt for her immediately followed.He spoke well,but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed,and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride.His sense of her inferiority-of its being a degradation-of the family obstacles which judgment had always opposed to inclination,were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding,but was very unlikely to recommend his suit.
In spite of her deeply rooted dislike,she could not be insensible to the compliment of such a man's affection,and though her intentions did not vary for an instant,she was at first sorry for the pain he was to receive;till,roused to resentment by his subsequent language,she lost all compassion in anger.She tried,however,to compose herself to answer him with patience,when he should have done.He concluded with representing to her the strength of that attachment which,in spite of all his endeavours,he had found impossible to conquer;and with expressing his hope that it would now be rewarded by her acceptance of his hand.As he said this,she could easily see that he had no doubt of a favourable answer.He spoke of apprehension and anxiety,but his countenance expressed real security.Such a circumstance could only exasperate farther,and,when he ceased,the colour rose into her cheeks,and she said,
‘In such cases as this,it is,I believe,the established mode to express a sense of obligation for the sentiments avowed,however unequally they may be returned.It is natural that obligation should be felt,and if I could feel gratitude,I would now thank you.But I cannot-I have never desired your good opinion,and you have certainly bestowed it most unwillingly.I am sorry to have occasioned pain to any one.It has been most unconsciously done,however,and I hope will be of short duration.The feelings which,you tell me,have long prevented the acknowledgment of your regard,can have little difficulty in overcoming it after this explanation.’
Mr Darcy,who was leaning against the mantelpiece with his eyes fixed on her face,seemed to catch her words with no less resentment than surprize.His complexion became pale with anger,and the disturbance of his mind was visible in every feature.He was struggling for the appearance of composure,and would not open his lips,till he believed himself to have attained it.The pause was to Elizabeth's feelings dreadful.At length,in a voice of forced calmness,he said,
‘And this is all the reply which I am to have the honour of expecting!I might,perhaps,wish to be informed why,with so little endeavour at civility,I am thus rejected.But it is of small importance.’
‘I might as well inquire,’replied she,‘why,with so evident a design of offending and insulting me,you chuse to tell me that you liked me against your will,against your reason,and even against your character?Was not this some excuse for incivility,if I was uncivil?But I have other provocations.You know I have.Had not my own feelings decided against you,had they been indifferent,or had they even been favourable,do you think that any consideration would tempt me to accept the man who has been the means of ruining,perhaps for ever,the happiness of a most beloved sister?’
As she pronounced these words,Mr Darcy changed colour;but the emotion was short,and he listened without attempting to interrupt her while she continued.
