Perceiving at my departure from Montmorency I should in future bea fugitive upon the earth, I hesitated about permitting her to come tome and partake of the wandering life to which I saw myselfcondemned.I felt the nature of our relation to each other was aboutto change, and that what until then had on my part been favor andfriendship, would in future become so on hers.If her attachment wasproof against my misfortunes, to this I knew she must become a victim,and that her grief would add to my pain.Should my disgrace weaken heraffections, she would make me consider her constancy as a sacrifice,and instead of feeling the pleasure I had in dividing with her my lastmorsel of bread, she would see nothing but her own merit infollowing me wherever I was driven by fate.
I must say everything; I have never concealed the vices either of mypoor mamma or myself; I cannot be more favorable to Theresa, andwhatever pleasure I may have in doing honor to a person who is dear tome, I will not disguise the truth, although it may discover in heran error, if an involuntary change of the affections of the heart beone.I had long perceived hers to grow cooler towards me, and that shewas no longer for me what she had been in our younger days.Of thisI was the more sensible, as for her I was what I had always been.Ifell into the same inconvenience as that of which I had felt theeffect with mamma, and this effect was the same now I was withTheresa.Let us not seek for perfection, which nature neverproduces; it would be the same thing with any other woman.Themanner in which I had disposed of my children, however reasonable ithad appeared to me, had not always left my heart at ease.Whilewriting my Traite de l'Education, I felt I had neglected duties withwhich it was not possible to dispense.Remorse at length became sostrong that it almost forced from me a public confession of my faultat the beginning of my Emilius, and the passage is so clear, that itis astonishing any person should, after reading it, have had thecourage to reproach me with my error.My situation was however stillthe same, or something worse, by the animosity of my enemies, whosought to find me in a fault.I feared a relapse, and unwilling to runthe risk, I preferred abstinence to exposing Theresa to a similarmortification.I had besides remarked that a connection with women wasprejudicial to my health; this double reason made me formresolutions to which I had sometimes but badly kept, but for thelast three or four years I had more constantly adhered to them.It wasin this interval I had remarked Theresa's coolness; she had the sameattachment to me from duty, but not the least from love.Ourintercourse naturally became less agreeable, and I imagined that,certain of the continuation of my cares wherever she might be, shewould choose to stay at Paris rather than to wander with me.Yet shehad given such signs of grief at our parting, had required of mesuch positive promises that we should meet again, and, since mydeparture, had expressed to the Prince de Conti and M.de Luxembourgso strong a desire of it, that, far from having the courage to speakto her of separation, I scarcely had enough to think of it myself; andafter having felt in my heart how impossible it was for me to dowithout her, all I thought of afterwards was to recall her to me assoon as possible.I wrote to her to this effect, and she came.Itwas scarcely two months since I had quitted her; but it was ourfirst separation after an union of so many years.We had both of usfelt it most cruelly.What emotion in our first embrace! O howdelightful are the tears of tenderness and joy! How does my heartdrink them up! Why have not I had reason to shed them more frequently?
On my arrivel at Motiers I had written to Lord Keith, marshal ofScotland, and governor of Neuchatel, informing him of my retreatinto the states of his Prussian majesty, and requesting of him hisprotection.He answered me with his well-known generosity, and inthe manner I had expected from him.He invited me to his house.I wentwith M.Martinet, lord of the manor of Val-de-Travers, who was ingreat favor with his excellency.The venerable appearance of thisillustrious and virtuous Scotchman, powerfully affected my heart,and from that instant began between him and me the strongattachment, which on my part still remains the same, and would be soon his, had not the traitors, who have deprived me of all theconsolations of life, taken advantage of my absence to deceive his oldage and depreciate me in his esteem.
George Keith, hereditary marshal of Scotland, and brother to thefamous General Keith, who lived gloriously and died in the bed ofhonor, had quitted his country at a very early age, and was proscribedon account of his attachment to the house of Stuart.With thathouse, however, he soon became disgusted by the unjust andtyrannical spirit he remarked in the ruling character of the Stuartfamily.He lived a long time in Spain, the climate of which pleasedhim exceedingly, and at length attached himself, as his brother haddone, to the service of the King of Prussia, who knew men and gavethem the reception they merited.His majesty received a great returnfor this reception, in the services rendered him by Marshal Keith, andby what was infinitely more precious, the sincere friendship of hislordship.The great mind of this worthy man, haughty and republican,could stoop to no other yoke than that of friendship, but to this itwas so obedient, that with very different maxims he saw nothing butFrederic the moment he became attached to him.The king charged themarshal with affairs of importance, sent him to Paris, to Spain, andat length, seeing he was already advanced in years, let him retirewith the government of Neuchatel, and the delightful employment ofpassing there the remainder of his life in rendering the inhabitantshappy.
