Scarcely had I been six weeks in this city before I had an adventure which I shall here relate; for, myself excepted, all the persons concerned in it are now dead. Intrigues properly belong to novels.
This book is intended for a more serious purpose, and they are therefore here usually suppressed. It cannot be supposed I was a woman-hater. Most of the good or bad fortune I experienced originated in love. I was not by nature inconstant, and was incapable of deceit even in amours. In the very ardour of youth Ialways shunned mere sensual pleasures. I loved for more exalted reasons, and for such sought to be beloved again. Love and friendship were with me always united; and these I was capable of inciting, maintaining, and deserving. The most difficult of access, the noblest, and the fairest, were ever my choice: and my veneration for these always deterred me from grosser gratifications.
By woman I was formed; by the faith of woman supported under misfortunes; in the company of woman enjoyed the few hours of delight my life of sorrows has experienced. Woman, beautiful and well instructed, even now, lightens the burden of age, the world's tediousness and its woes; and, when these are ended, I would rather wish mine eyes might be closed by fair and virgin hands, than, when expiring, fixed on a hypocritical priest.
My adventures with women would amply furnish a romance: but enough of this, I should not relate the present, were it not necessary to my story.
Dining one public day with Lord Hyndford, I was seated beside a charming young lady of one of the best families in Russia, who had been promised in marriage, though only seventeen, to an old invalid minister. Her eyes soon told me she thought me preferable to her intended bridegroom. I understood them, lamented her hard fate, and was surprised to hear her exclaim, "Oh, heavens! that it were possible you could deliver me from my misfortune: I would engage to do whatever you would direct."The impression such an appeal must make on a man of four and twenty, of a temperament like mine, may easily be supposed. The lady was ravishingly beautiful; her soul was candour itself, and her rank that of a princess; but the court commands had already been given in favour of the marriage; and flight, with all its inseparable dangers, was the only expedient. A public table was no place for long explanations. Our hearts were already one. I requested an interview, and the next day was appointed, the place the Trotzer garden, where I passed three rapturous hours in her company: thanks to her woman, who was a Georgian.
To escape, however, from Moscow, was impossible. The distance thence to any foreign country was too great. The court was not to remove to Petersburg till the next spring, and her marriage was fixed for the first of August. The misfortune was not to be remedied, and nothing was left us but patience perforce. We could only resolve to fly from Petersburg when there, the soonest possible, and to take refuge in some corner of the earth, where we might remain unknown of all. The marriage, therefore, was celebrated with pomp, though I, in despite of forms, was the true husband of the princess. Such was the state of the husband imposed upon her, that to describe it, and not give disgust, were impossible.
The princess gave me her jewels, and several thousand roubles, which she had received as a nuptial present, that I might purchase every thing necessary for flight; my evil destiny, however, had otherwise determined. I was playing at ombre with her, one night, at the house of the Countess of Bestuchef, when she complained of a violent headache, appointed me to meet her on the morrow, in the Trotzer gardens, clasped my hand with inexpressible emotion, and departed.
Alas! I never beheld her more, till stretched upon the bier!
She grew delirious that very night, and so continued till her death, which happened on the sixth day, when the small-pox began to appear.
During her delirium she discovered our love, and incessantly called on me to deliver her from her tyrant. Thus, in the flower of her age, perished one of the most lovely women I ever knew, and with her fled all I held most dear.
All my plans were now to be newly arranged. Lord Hyndford alone was in the secret, for I hid no secrets from him: he strengthened me in my first resolution, and owned that he himself, for such a mistress, might perhaps have been weak enough to have acted as I had done.
Almost as much moved as myself, he sympathised with me as a friend, and his advice deterred me from ending my miseries, and descending with her, whom I have loved and lost, to the grave. This was the severest trial I had ever felt. Our affection was unbounded, and such only as noble hearts can feel. She being gone, the whole world became a desert. There is not a man on earth, whose life affords more various turns of fate than mine. Swiftly raised to the highest pinnacle of hope, as suddenly was I cast headlong down, and so remarkable were these revolutions that he who has read my history will at last find it difficult to say whether he envies or pities me most. And yet these were, in reality, but preparatory to the evils that hovered over my devoted head. Had not the remembrance of past joys soothed and supported me under my sufferings, I certainly should not have endured the ten years' torture of the Magdeburg dungeon, with a fortitude that might have been worthy even of Socrates.
Enough of this. My blood again courses swifter through my veins as I write! Rest, gentle maiden, noble and lovely as thou wert! For thee ought Heaven to have united a form so fair, animated as it was, by a soul so pure, to ever-blooming youth and immortality.
My love for this lady became well-known in Moscow; yet her corpulent overgrown husband had not understanding enough to suppose there was any meaning in her rhapsodies during her delirium.
Her gifts to me amounted in value to about seven thousand ducats.
